The Grove of a Spruce Tree 🌲

(Since I see that a lot of people put up trigger warnings around here, I thought I would add some here: trigger warning: a bit of a graphic description of a neurological condition, severe anxiety, nightmares, awful self-hate. If you are triggered by these things, please skip from the first line to the part after the second line)

This is my first entry, and I’m not exactly sure what to talk about 😅

So I guess I’ll talk about the negatives and positive parts of my day just to start it off. Hopefully future entries will be more ✨extravagant✨ than this, but here we go…

First, we’ll start with the negatives…

Negatives:

- My dad was being beyond annoying today. He usually aggravates me by pestering me to do different activities with him, such as learning Hebrew, computer programming, and the such. But today, each time he caught me taking a break, he would literally come up to my face and tell me that I need to be productive. Like, okay! I mean, I can’t be working 24/7 on whatever you want me to work on. I have a life toooo 🥲

- My neurological condition feels like it’s worsening, and it’s been pretty progressive. I’ll describe it very vaguely - it really has to do will my extremities numbing without any outside stimulus, such as leaning or sitting for too long. It really scares me, and really powered up my anxiety so bad and I’m having nightmares. It’s mainly about anticipating my future, and being afraid of myself. That’s what happens when you have so much self-hate that you don’t know what to do with yourself…

Now it’s time for the positives! 😊

Positives:

- I was actually able to focus really well today. I got a majority of my schoolwork done, and I was able to exercise. It was so much fun, and I feel like a was able to accomplish something! ✨

- I found this really great meme forum bread (bread? 🍞) that really made my day. It was created by @emotionalTalker2660 and I really recommend it! Press here if you are interested. It changed the course of my day for the better, and I feel so much lighter! So thank you, Talker, for creating this! 😊

- I actually have a feeling that I will get a good night’s sleep tonight because I feel soooo happy and lighthearted! It’s so unusual for me, and I hope it lasts 🥳

And that’s it for today! Have a good night everyone! 👋

I’ll keep this entry brief, since I have to head to bed in around 10 minutes. But I actually have a lot to talk about! 😊

Today had it’s ups and downs. The good thing was my neuro condition didn’t affect me too much today, and I was able to get an appropriate amount of exercise. I did have some headaches, but that’s normal for me so that didn’t bring down my day too much. I actually played chess for the first time in around a week and I really enjoyed it! I’m not the best at the game, but I’m not looking to be a grandmaster or anything. I just want to have something that can distract me from my thoughts, which was really effective. I also met some really great people on this site! I won’t list names because I have an awful memory for these kinds of things, but it was a really great experience. I was having some difficulty focusing on my schoolwork today, and after being on the site for a bit, I was able to refocus myself and eventually finish all my work. Yayyy! My dad wasn’t being such a pain today, which is also awesome! I was unfortunately plagued by some pretty bad flashbacks, but eventually, I was able to de-stress myself and continue on with my day. So I would say today was overall a pretty great day! 😊

I’ll end my entry here for now! Goodnight! ❤️

@selflessSpruce1515

Hiyaa Spruce, look who found ze space too! 👀

Thankyou for the donuts, you donut even know how much I love them. 😛

I'll be a frequent visitor ofcourse, but here's something for you now. ❤

Today has actually been a really good day, and it’s great that I was able to experience a day like that. I was really depressed all weekend, so having a positive day makes me feel so confident.

I didn’t mention it here, but I actually started writing my own book! It’s going really well so far. I’m bouncing ideas off of a listener here at 7 Cups, and I’m so excited to see how it will end up. Here’s a quick summary:

The book is about a boy who was born from a long line of villains in a place called the Dark World. During this time, the world is divided into two parts—the Dark and Light World. However, this boy was different from the rest of his kind; he was actually born with goodness and passion in his heart. He was considered different, and locked away from the world. But his desire for freedom from his dark fate and change in this world for the better leads him to desire a path to the Light World. Obstacles will be in his way, but it’s the power of friendship and a good-will, he will be able to defeat the Royalty of Darkness and become victorious.

So yessss, this is so excitinggggg! I’ll keep updating on how the story goes as time progresses. But for now, I finished the prologue and will probably begin the 1st chapter today. 😊

On to other news…my neuro condition had been playing me yet again, but I’m not losing hope yet! I’m going to the doctor on Thursday to see what’s going on with me because I need answers. 🥲 I’m really confused with why my arms and legs keep numbing up, but I hope that everything will be okay!

Also, tomorrow, I’m officially re-enrolling into my old school, which makes me really happy and really nervous at the same time. I’ll make this year a gap year because covid really messed things up in my world and I couldn’t focus on school. I’ll be going into 11th grade again, so I have to sign some extra forms on that which is fine. And I’ll be with a whole new crowd, which could be positive or negative depending on how they will behave towards me. But I’m hoping that all will be well! 🙏

That was one of the longest entries in a while, and it has everything I wanted to spurt out for today. 😌 Have a good day/night everyone! 👋

For anyone who may be reading this: I wanted to let you all know that I won't really be participating in group chats very often because I've been feeling pretty left out. It's really because of these really tight cliques that formed, and it doesn't make it easy to participate without being ignored or criticized. I'm not calling out any particular people, but I just wanted to explain why you may not see me in group chats too often anymore.

Thanks for understanding, and I would prefer if no one responds to this message unless it is positive and supportive! ❤️

Also, I will be reserving some time with my family Thursday through Sunday since my mom will be off from work, and I want to be there for her since her chronic condition began worsening this past week. Thank you all again for understanding, and if I don't get to talk to any if you, see you on Monday! ❤️

Dang, it's been so long since I added more trees to this grove 😭

Okay, so now I'll start doing it daily again because it's important to me, and also I don't want to be pestered by others. (I'm talking to you, Anga 😀)

So...I can't think of anything to write for now, so please stand by while enjoying this wonderful inspirational quote from me:

I feel like just up-fronting talking about what's on my mind. I'm not so good at this, so bear with me people ❤️

Well, April is always a sensitive time for me. Even though nothing traumatic really happened to me during these times, I've found that April has just been an off month for me. It always confuses me why it's the case, but it's been this way since I was 7 or 8. I try to cheer myself up, but it's never enough. I get tired too easily, both mentally and physically, and it provides even more unnecessary anxiety.

I feel like I lost a lot of motivation since the start of the month, and it's hard to get up in the morning. You all see me as this energetic spruce tree, but you all don't *really* know me. Only I know me, and it's hard when others compliment me on certain things. I just feel like I don't deserve a lot of this, but that's just my self-hate talking. I've hated myself for 9 years now, and it's hard to stay optimistic.

There are so many people on here who have been pretty good distractions to my miserable life, and you all have no idea how much that means to me. Today, I laughed for 15 minutes straight in the group chats, not just because something hilarious was mentioned, but because I was actually having *fun*. It's literally one of the few times I actually smile, which is sad but true. I have a lot of obstacles in front of me, both mentally and physically, and having you all with me means the world.

Because of that, I would like to give a shout out to some amazing people here:

@Angelx28 - Hey hey, Anga! You're the first person who always comes to mind when I come on here because you are literally like my long lost sister. You are the sweetest person in the universe, and even when times are tough, you always try to make me smile. With your typos and encouraging words, you are one of the few people that make me continuously laugh in the group chats, and I really really really appreciate it! And I think you might have made the record for the most typoetic nicknames for anyone on here. I'll list all 9 of them, as I have them on my pinger:

@coldbreeze00 - Oh goodness, Breeze! It's like we're attached at the hip, as we always seem to be in the same group chatroom together. You are the second person who always makes me laugh, and you're the ultimate frebreeze cleaner. xD I'm your study alarm, trying to kick you out of the room just so you can study. But you end up not studying anyways, but having the few moments to laugh with you is totally worth it. Keep being you, my friend! You rock!

@Everlee - Forever lee!!! I have so much to say about you! You are such a sweetheart, and always comes up with the best puns and is my partner in crime in keeping Breeze out of the group chats or trap them xD And I recently found your forum thread, which is filled with hilarious conversations out of context and inspirational quotes which I love! You're such an amazing friend, and I hope that we get to bump into each other more and more in the group chats and forums! Yayyyy!

@emotionalTalker2260 - Last, but very much not least...Emo marshmallowwww! Emo is my long lost twin and such an amazing friend to me! Even though we don't bump into each other very much in group chats, spending time with you in forums is full of puns, typos, jokes, and moreeee! And you are my ultimate sock buddyyyyy! All hail the socksssss! 🧦🧦 Your pfp's are literally the best, and I want to know how you get them! You're awesomeeeee! Even when you are going through difficult times in your life, you never fail to make any of us laugh. Keep being you, Emo!

That's all for today! Love you all ❤️

@Angelx28 @Everlee @coldbreeze00

Omg, you guysssss! You all are literally the sweetest humans ever, and I just feel so loved ❤️ I’m glad you all found my grove and send so much support my way - it’s all mutual, for sure, and it’s literally making me cry (I’m a cry-baby, so I cry at just about everything xD. And yes, I’m actually crying 😀). I can’t thank you all for making my days a little brighter, and I hope that I can do the same for all of you. You deserve it ❤️❤️

It's not even noon yet in my world, and I just feel so unstable. My depressive stage started again after I was having a really good time, and it's just bringing me down... I guess I just need more encouragement and to watch cat videos again, because they always help. I'm tired and unmotivated after working tirelessly to get out of my last depressive stage, and now with the bad weather... it's hard.

But I'm trying to work through it - I'll wipe my tears and try to make this difficult month one of pleasant memories and laughs.

Thank you all for bearing with me during my mood swings - it isn't easy for me to be so social during my dark times, so I appreciate all of your patience and love. ❤️