The Day I Finally Met Little Me

Ive very recently had a brief encounter with a wonderful guy. It ended before it could even begin, was extremely volatile and sent my anxiety rocket into orbit. But I see it as a blessing from the very first second because it made me realise that I still have issues that I need to address and work on in therapy.

By the time I did manage to take a couple of days off to go for therapy and recuperate (I love my psychologist, but therapy always makes me feel so exhausted), my anxiety has gone down to a more acceptable level again.

A lot of things that I was finally able to say out loud my psychologist also mused. Shes happy that I put my foot down and put up boundaries when it was clearly invaded. What I can say here is that whole episode of my life made me feel like a child again, having to take care of the adults in my life, always having to be so careful, my voice not being heard, feeling weak and helpless.

My psychologists pretty eyes grew round. Would you like to visit your inner child?

I heard myself say okay. She told me to stretch and make myself comfortable as this might take a while. I did as she told me to, and I quickly closed my eyes. I dont know why but I was already shaking like a leaf and I felt a tear slowly streaking down my left cheek.

My psychologist lead me through a park, and across the bridge was little me, in dark jeans and white t-shirt. I was amused by this sight. Some things just dont change. It looked like she had been waiting for me. There was a concerned and serious look on her face that made me feel sad. A kid shouldnt have to look like that.

My psychologist let us hang out for a while, just me and Little Me. My psychologist asked if Little Me had something to say. She didnt. I guess this is something that hasnt changed, either. The air around us felt heavy, and the surrounding area was dark and completely in the shadows when the whole park before I crossed the bridge was light and beautiful.

What is she feeling?

Sad and alone. She wants to let go. This is when I turned into the Sunway Lagoon on legs that I actually am.

Would you like to say something to her?

I couldnt, I was too overwhelmed.

I guess my psychologist sensed this, coz I could hear her gently saying, Tell her its not her fault. Tell her everything will be okay. Tell her you will make better choices in life. After that I totally lost it and was drowning in snot like Alice In Wonderland drifted away in a sea of tears in a friggin bottle.

When it was time to say goodbye, Little Me still had that look on her face but it wasnt as severe as when I first arrived into her dark little corner. The vibe felt a little lighter and calm, and I didnt feel worried for leaving her there alone. I could finally see her as others saw her, strong and determined. And I felt ready to let go.

I still think of her, more than I think of him 😂🤣He made me feel like I was the one that needed help (which I do), but he doesnt see that he still has a lot of healing to do, too. I pray that there will be forgiveness in his heart for me for not being able to meet him where he is, and that he will one day soon get over his apparent unhealed trauma, too.

You had me at hello.