Study stress, various anxieties and coping mechanism log

Hello, I'm writing this from school lol. Remember I said my groupmates said it would be more convenient if I went for in-person lesson instead. So here I am, for the first lesson. I'm not sure if the school would be stringent about the number of students... we'll see. else, I'll just stay outside the classroom...

Okay, for the past two days, I hadn't touch my assigned project parts and I was quite anxious about it. So I postponed it to this morning. After I've done some simple research, I realised I wrote more than my groupmates... I'd always imagine myself as the least prepared person and end up over preparing.

I'm currently reading past assignment reports for another module while waiting got my class to start in about an hour's time.

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Another update: I'm on my second day of Prozac... The side effects I'm experiencing right now are 1. Diarrhoea, 2. Dry Mouth. Feelings wise, I mean look at me now - I'm on campus... I do feel anxious, just not as crippling as before... It's rather odd to me to feel the effects of Prozac on day 2 already... It might be placebo.

And if it's really Prozac working its effect, I'm afraid of other side effects such as worsening anxiety and depressive episodes... I can't have it happen because I have a upcoming series of submissions...

I missed out on my online lecture yesterday, and have been beating myself up for it. I spent yesterday numbing myself out by binge-watching video.

I just ended my counselling session and my counsellor introduces addressing emotions first (the guilt and dread), vs what I usually do that is to force myself to rewatch lecture in order to not feel those emotions after. I can address emotions by extending self-compassion and kindness to myself, like what would I say to a friend if they were to miss lecture. In that case, I would encourage a friend by saying: "You'll be okay if you had missed the lecture because it was overwhelming for you. I will be here to rewatch it with you, I'll be here when the discomfort resurfaces, don't be scared, I am here for you."

That's all for now.

My to-do list for today;

- Rewatch lecture

- Write up content for Sunday's submission

- Go for a walk

- Shower

- Grab lunch

- Listen to a new song

I have not rewatched the lecture, but I have submitted the content due tomorrow.

Right now, I have to do some research for one module, but honestly I;m so emotionally drained right now. I'm on prozac day 5, I feel anxious and sad lol. The upcoming submissions are seriously freaking me out, feeling more overwhelmed by my thoughts and anxiety than the actual workload. ;(

I missed on today's lecture too, planned to watch them both tomorrow...

I've touched up my group assignments parts last night before the group meeting today. I slept at 7am today - because I was replying to assignment remarks etc, slept for awhile till noon, and now I'm anxious to start on another assignment. I feel emotionally drained, mentally fine tho.

I want to give up and cry now (for the upteempth time), overwhelmed all in all. I checked the shared document for the group assignment parts last night and I was the only one updating it, I guess that's my anxiety - thinking everyone's prepared and I'm the least prepped in the room.

I have to start on this assignment, because I know if I delay it - I'll panic even more so. It's a nice day outside and I just want to soak in that glorious sunny weather but in my head, it's gloom and doom... I wish I could just snap out of it, get out of my head.

I'm on day 6 of Prozac hmm yeah that's about it - I don't know if its the side effects or just me. Joting it here so I won't lose track of what day I'm on.

I don't know how today will go, I feel sick with anxiety and tired living with it.

I'm on day 23 of antidepressant, and still feel oddly emotionally vacant(????) - the meds have reduced the intensity of intrusive thoughts.

Update:

I've decided to drop one module to concentrate on the other two due to the lack of concentration side effects from the meds. Although I'm largely relieved by this decision, I catch myself cooking up stories about me undermining my potential and I should work harder for the other 2 modules else I'm really wasting this trade-off.

Anyway, I'm in class right now, and honestly dreading the group discussion later because I feel drained by the interaction though my groupmates are excellent.

@yellowIdea7518

7 months later, I'm submitting my final assignment in uni (with 0 intrusive thoughts), and my grades are doing well too.

So hmm, I'm grateful to be alive. With both therapy and medication - I can't believe I can have a pleasant uni experience, even with diagnosed mdd and gad...

I know there's more to life than just studies, entering the workforce is an ENTIRE different game but I did better at work than in uni (I mean this entire thread's about my school trauma).

Glad to share a pleasant end to this phase of my life that I NEVER thought I could make it through 7 months ago...

@yellowIdea7518

Originally came back on here to update one of my listeners that I made it through... but ya can't find the old logs anymore.

Hope you're doing well, thank you for supporting me through one of my toughest emotional times...

@yellowIdea7518

It honestly took a village to tide me through tough times (debilitating anxiety and major depression), albeit minute to others...

Most of them are anonymous, so if you happen to chance upon this...

Thank you 😭

Reading this entire thread is incredibly agonising but it reminded me how debilitating my cocktail of MMD and GAD really was. 

The incessant back and forth (my listed struggles versus coping strategies and actions) were ridiculously and involuntarily amplified, and I only realised this after I was put on meds. The thoughts were gone after and I could finally focus on the most minute task I struggled so hard to accomplish before.  

basically being on meds made me realised my brain chemistry was completely out of whack.  CBT could only help so much without meds which I vehemently rejected before bc of the possible complications but I was privileged enough that they worked very well on me. 

I know mental health is very nuanced, and treatments differ greatly from person to person so I hope people remain hopeful and open to treatments (though I swear it felt like I'm too utterly broken to be eventually 'fixed' at times).

at the same time, you would realistically fall into pits/abyss of despair which I understand and I will sit with you through it (even though I wouldn't resolve your pain but I will sit through it with you) like that one member who was virtually sat through my debilitating anxiety as I accessed my school portal and emails.

Wherever you are, you saved my life that day. Thank you. 

This user/thread original poster has since graduated. 

@yellowIdea7518 that one member who virtually sat through*

@yellowIdea7518 and I feel so much for my past self. She worked exceptionally hard for school and through her pain as compared to the self who was later on meds and breezed through uni.

I grieve for her, on how uni would be so much more pleasant if it weren't for depression and anxiety. on the bright side, she KNEW how hard depressed and anxious members have to try to power/simply exist throughout the day. words wouldn't suffice.  

I am thankful the grit she had shown me despite her mental struggles. my post medicated self could never be THAT methodical. all in all, I'm glad meds and counselling has helped her...