Study stress, various anxieties and coping mechanism log

Hi, so it turns out I have an assignment due Sunday, and I'm reviewing the materials right now. I also have two group meetings this weekend, or maybe tonight.

I'm feeling very anxious right now - brainstorming on how to write my assignment and worrying about the potential hiccups. Again, all I want to do is to curl up into a ball in bed and cry.

If there isn't a group meeting tonight, then I can focus solely on my assignment. But yeah, I'm really not feeling my best right now, it's doom and gloom in my head. I'm tired.

Ngl, I feel nothin' today - just disassociating to survive the day, especially when I open my documents to work on.

It's festive szn her, so there has been quite a number of house visitations but I skip most of them because well, sensory overload and anxiety from leaving the house (meaning, I'm away from my desk and I feel guilty for not working on my assignments) even though I'd get nothing done at home anyway.

Right now, I'm trying to reframe my assignment write-up as an opportunity to work quietly at the comfort of my home (yes i'm very privileged) , and as an opportunity to learn - like I said, I clocked this logically but emotionally I'm still uncomfortably on edge.

I took sometime during one of the house visitation to read the book "Reclaiming your body" by Scurlock-Durana.

Here's an excerpt that I'm working on (easy read, then done y'all):

"Most of us are aware of the inner critical voice that can plague us with doubting, chiding, even insulting thoughts, often denigrating our self-worth or questioning our right to exist.

To begin, bring to mind one of your painful thoughts or limiting beliefs - perhaps one associated with the physical plane of resistance that you just held and loved, or notice any limiting or painful thought that is bothering you right now.

...Wherever the anchor of your pain or discomfort is, allow your internal healing presence, your energy hands, to come and cradle that place as we proceed, loving it as unconditionally as you can in this moment.

No agenda. Simply being present with it, holding it gently and witnessing it in the kind, unconditional way.

Now, silently repeating your limiting belief or painful thoughts, ask yourself, "Am I sure that this limiting belief is true?" Can you open to the possibility that this thought is not true at some level? Even though you may have a lot of data from past history to back up the fact that it might be true at some point, you really don't know whether it is still true.

So now ask yourself, "What would it feel like if I were open to the possibility that this painful thought or limiting belief is not true? What would it feel like?

And make this question very specific to whatever your painful thought is. E.g. "I am not good enough," you might say instead, "I'm open to the possibility that this thought of not being good enough is just not true. I'm open to the possibility that I'm good enough.

When you are ready, you can go a step farther and say, "I'm open to the possibility not only that I am good enough, but that who I am is a pleasure... is a pleasure.

Hello, I'm writing this from school lol. Remember I said my groupmates said it would be more convenient if I went for in-person lesson instead. So here I am, for the first lesson. I'm not sure if the school would be stringent about the number of students... we'll see. else, I'll just stay outside the classroom...

Okay, for the past two days, I hadn't touch my assigned project parts and I was quite anxious about it. So I postponed it to this morning. After I've done some simple research, I realised I wrote more than my groupmates... I'd always imagine myself as the least prepared person and end up over preparing.

I'm currently reading past assignment reports for another module while waiting got my class to start in about an hour's time.

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Another update: I'm on my second day of Prozac... The side effects I'm experiencing right now are 1. Diarrhoea, 2. Dry Mouth. Feelings wise, I mean look at me now - I'm on campus... I do feel anxious, just not as crippling as before... It's rather odd to me to feel the effects of Prozac on day 2 already... It might be placebo.

And if it's really Prozac working its effect, I'm afraid of other side effects such as worsening anxiety and depressive episodes... I can't have it happen because I have a upcoming series of submissions...

I've touched up my group assignments parts last night before the group meeting today. I slept at 7am today - because I was replying to assignment remarks etc, slept for awhile till noon, and now I'm anxious to start on another assignment. I feel emotionally drained, mentally fine tho.

I want to give up and cry now (for the upteempth time), overwhelmed all in all. I checked the shared document for the group assignment parts last night and I was the only one updating it, I guess that's my anxiety - thinking everyone's prepared and I'm the least prepped in the room.

I have to start on this assignment, because I know if I delay it - I'll panic even more so. It's a nice day outside and I just want to soak in that glorious sunny weather but in my head, it's gloom and doom... I wish I could just snap out of it, get out of my head.

I'm on day 6 of Prozac hmm yeah that's about it - I don't know if its the side effects or just me. Joting it here so I won't lose track of what day I'm on.

I don't know how today will go, I feel sick with anxiety and tired living with it.

I'm on day 23 of antidepressant, and still feel oddly emotionally vacant(????) - the meds have reduced the intensity of intrusive thoughts.

Update:

I've decided to drop one module to concentrate on the other two due to the lack of concentration side effects from the meds. Although I'm largely relieved by this decision, I catch myself cooking up stories about me undermining my potential and I should work harder for the other 2 modules else I'm really wasting this trade-off.

Anyway, I'm in class right now, and honestly dreading the group discussion later because I feel drained by the interaction though my groupmates are excellent.

Reading this entire thread is incredibly agonising but it reminded me how debilitating my cocktail of MMD and GAD really was. 

The incessant back and forth (my listed struggles versus coping strategies and actions) were ridiculously and involuntarily amplified, and I only realised this after I was put on meds. The thoughts were gone after and I could finally focus on the most minute task I struggled so hard to accomplish before.  

basically being on meds made me realised my brain chemistry was completely out of whack.  CBT could only help so much without meds which I vehemently rejected before bc of the possible complications but I was privileged enough that they worked very well on me. 

I know mental health is very nuanced, and treatments differ greatly from person to person so I hope people remain hopeful and open to treatments (though I swear it felt like I'm too utterly broken to be eventually 'fixed' at times).

at the same time, you would realistically fall into pits/abyss of despair which I understand and I will sit with you through it (even though I wouldn't resolve your pain but I will sit through it with you) like that one member who was virtually sat through my debilitating anxiety as I accessed my school portal and emails.

Wherever you are, you saved my life that day. Thank you. 

This user/thread original poster has since graduated.