Study stress, various anxieties and coping mechanism log

Submitted the first assignment for this semester and I have 2 due on 27 Aug. Honestly, I'm afraid I couldnt cut it for one of the two - I rewatched the recordings (which I should be proud of since it felt so intimidating for me to get started, but at the same time, it is what i should do like all student should and that it shouldnt feel intimidating at all).

I know this anxiety originates from the fear of failure, but it is only normal to fail, and at least I'm trying.

So today, my focus would be to pay attention to today's lectures - 6 hours total and then 2 hours to consolidate my parts for the report before a team meeting.

I'm going to experience moments of despair but I'm here to make a small promise myself to try my best to see myself through this imagined obstacles. *fingers crossed*

I can do this...

@yellowIdea7518 My groupmates just informed me that the assignment is a lot more complicated than expected. I'm in semi-panic mode now since I'm going to have to work on two assignments (The forementioned one being outside of my major) concurrently.

I try not to spiral because i can't afford to. I'm going to remind myself that all I can do for now:

1. Focus on (non-major/EXTREMELY foreign) module lecture later on at 3:30 - 6:30

2. Work on another (core module) assignment report before 8pm team meeting

3. Start on (non-core module but equally important) assignment after team meeting. Start on the example, then work on the assignment.

@yellowIdea7518 spiralled before the 3:30pm lecture (for the module I'm least confident in because it's not within my major), so I'm trying to reassure myself that:

1. I'm trying, and I will even if I had one too many visits with disappointment and failure.
2. I'm going to name the feelings I felt during my struggles, I am going to accept them and tell myself I can feel sad from being disappointed in myself, and I can still try. I will not allow the fear of failure debilitate me. I will confront the setbacks, like I've done before I'm going to take one step at a time, even as I fall back to ground zero, it's okay i'll try again...

I'm going to make it through...

Deadline is closer and I'm getting very antsy - at the brink of tears actually.
I'm afraid I couldn't successfuly finish my parts on the report plus I'm afraid my teammates will give up their parts on the report. Aside from that I'm juggling with other assignments which it's researched heavy but my teammates are absolutely lovely - taking a lot of initiatives... and I'm thankful but at the same time afraid to let them down.

I ask myself what is the next best thing to do for now instead of ruminating?
- Rewatch lectures to understand the assignment I'll be going through with my teammates on Sunday Evening.
- Don't worry about the report you're starting on tomorrow yet. leave that till tomorrow, you still have time.
- You'll be fine during the team discussion later at 9
- You'll finish up the assignment parts after rewatching the lectures

Tomorrow:
Do up your report parts and retouch Marcom assignment parts

What I've done well:
Completed my other module quiz
Pulled an all-nighter to complete model before report (hard-carried)

I'm feeling the burn-out now, but I can do it... I want to believe that I can...

It is another Monday again, and I'm having another breakdown. I have to retouch my reports parts later (I have confidence), and that's it but it is so hard now to focus on lectures, like I find myself repeating stories like "You're such a failure, you can't do it."

I'm wish to observe these thoughts and not buy into them, It's just been difficult...

So here's my to-do list for today and tomorrow.

23/08: Focus on the two lectures, retouch your report parts, it's just three small parts
24/08: Non-major module, report parts plus meet up.
25/08: Pay attention to lecture, do up your report parts

Here's one affirmation I'm trying to repeat.
Difficult doesn't mean impossible. I've done hard things before. I can do hard things now.
I dont have to feel capable. I dont have to be 'perfect' or 'good'. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I just have to try.

@yellowIdea7518
Trying so hard to not spiral... Trying to just observe my thoughts, but all I want to do now is to cry.

I've managed to seek some solace when I saw a group member helping out with my project parts...
And now, for the next lecture from 3:30 - 6:30, I feel like giving up again.
Here are some things I need to do:
- Touch up my report parts before 8
- Might use the time during lecture to do it
- If I miss out some parts of the lecture, I'll rewatch it after the 8pm group meeting to prepare for Tuesday's group meeting

Hello, a positive (for now) update - I have successfully submitted the report on 26 August. I remember still feeling on edge, but I know we did our best. There are other assignments to focus on now and the same cycle follows: I have to continue to put one foot infront of another - taking the hard days minute by minute.

Today: I have to focus on my two lectures, as well as rewatch the lecture i missed this morning (because yes, i felt like shit).
Today's affirmation: Yes, I could have done so much better if I'd shown up for the earlier lecture but I pulled myself up to focus on the remaining two. I will have to rewatched the earlier one after if I want to do well for that module.

Tomorrow: Focus on parts of the report (which you have create a skeleton during the weekends), and create a mock-up for another project.

I can do it today...

I am going to just document the feeling the non-core module elicits:

Anxiety (even when the prof is just going through normal lecture content and not assignment brief).
I found this article on how to make studying fun, 10 Ways to Have Fun While You Study - Oxford Royale Academy (oxford-royale.com), i will ref it whenever i need it...

Just going to acknowledge that the uncertainty of studying a non-core module brings about extremely high anxiety that can drain my energy to tend to Core modules (which I want to do well in too).
So in order to reduce the anxiety/uncertainties, I have to:

1. Attend and pay attention to weekly lectures
2. Revise during the weekends
3. Pay attention to assignment briefs
4. Plan out group meeting dates

Another dreadful monday.
I woke up at 5, dreading to attend the 830 lecture, which i didn't, and now I'm showing up for the 12pm lecture.
I'm reminding myself that today's to-do list is:

1. Focus on 12pm lecture
2. Focus on 330pm lecture
3. Pay attention to the assignment brief
4. Touch up on your report parts during breaks
5. Rewatch the lecture I missed this morning

---
That aside, I tried to surrender to my painful experiences yesterday and this morning - I decided to not fight against my emotions, and let it flow/overwhelm me... I guess break down to break through... I don't know if it is helpful but this would be my coping mechanism for mild painful experiences and I will need supervision/help from a professional to relive other more painful experiences in order for them to lose their hold on me.

So I'll update my day as I go along. 8 mins to 12pm lecture and I'm going to refill my bottle to make sure im taking care of myself (as I struggle w lectures and feelings they elicit today).

I had a mini meltdown 10 mins before my group meeting. I don't really know whats the reason for it, but suspect it might be me catastrophising again about all the project deadlines. LOL I wish i could take things in stride yknow, like Chill, it's not as bad as I'd imagine.

Today, clear up my project parts. Rewatched lecture later, and cry if i need to.

Tomorrow:
Focus on lecture
Sort out my report parts for group meeting after, chart out some new stuff to speed up the meeting.
Rewatch lecture if I have time before meeting

Thursday:
Do research for A2 for another module
Read the sample reports for group meeting later at night.

My anxiety is coming back and its been debilitating this afternoon.
So let's try this exercise I read on barry-davret.medium.com

1. Write down the specific outcome I worry about.
I worry my group members would MIA till the last three days before two submissions and leave me working frantically on the rest of the project.
2. On a scale of 1 to 10, how realistic is it?
It's a 6.
3. What steps can I take to mitigate the worry?
Focus on doing my best for my parts for now, by understand the concept and questions asked today and tomorrow.
4. Reassess the scare (scale 1 to 10) based on my mitigation plan.
It's a 5 now.
5. If the worst should happen, what is a viable backup plan?
I would have to set a cut-off date for the details of the report and video in order to get enough information from them to work on it. If the worst happens where they only start on their parts one week before submission. I will have to spell out my limitations. If it gets delayed to 3 days before submission, I would have to speak with the lecturer, and ask for a peer review assessment. I would still have three days to complete the project, given that the other projects for other modules are submitted.

What can I do now?
Focus on understand the questions asked for my parts, write them the answers as I go along. I can do this. I still have time. I can make mistakes, as long as I show efforts to learn from it.

To myself: I just have to show up, even after I feel defeated because of some mistakes I've made. I'm still learning, and I don't have to be perfect...

Yet another monday with three lectures to attend, followed by a group meeting later. Cried this morning (mainly because of anxiety about the foreign module project, emailed the lecturer to discuss the alternative if mates are not contributing.

Despite the little emotional hiccups, I managed to attend this morning lecture, albeit an hour late. Here I type my to-do list:
1. Focus on 2 lectures today
2. Refine project parts after lecture
3. Work-out

@yellowIdea7518

@yellowIdea7518

You are doing great! Keep working!!

Wishing you luck

@gracefulPurple9181

Thank you for cheering me on :)! Will need it to survive the upcoming semester.

Hello, I survived that semester. I did well for most modules... people tell me to celebrate that win but all I felt was pain. I had made calls to helplines to see me through assignments. It took me 3 days to make a minor change to an assignment which was vetted by the lecturer.

Now, I think it's best to leave university despite meeting great groupmates, my mental health is deteriorating faster than I thought. I'm still seeing a counsellor, and will be seeking further psychiatric assessment in 3 weeks time. I understand that I have no noble reasons to be feeling this way, it makes me feel like a freak - crying over studies (like cmon, suck it up) that I have the intellectual ability but zero mental capacity to complete lol.

I read a couple of thread sharing the same struggles in university. I don't know what I am supposed to do? I returned to school a year ago to finish my remaining credits - I have 5 more to go, and now I'm considering dropping out because the breakdowns are more frequent than last semester. I'm still trying to get back to the healthy habits I built during semester break - go on walks, exercise, meditate, journal, make coffee... but when school comes into the picture - I froze and become emotionally detached from everything...

I worked my hardest to survive last semester, I just don't know if I should leave school or not

So, a listener nudged me to make another effort to try out this semester, and I did - submitted an assignment link and clear up some school admin stuff. I was unsure if I could live through another crazy round of breakdowns but if I were to choose between breakdowns vs regrets... I'd chosen breakdowns.

I don't know if I'll survive this semester, but at least I got some school stuff done today...

Attending another lecture today, I'm honestly very anxious, I don't know how I'll survive the 2 hour lol. I'm aware that it's not so difficult, I'm reacting to past traumas - and I can choose to not carry my past to the present.

Lecture turned out okay, not as bad as I thought. now, time to reward myself with a tv series, and maybe a workout after.

Feeling bad about having bingewatched 8 episodes, but managed to clock in a 7km run, and prepared dinner for the fam 😐

I missed today's lecture, and the group chat for one of my modules has been buzzing about the upcoming assignments. Sometimes it buzzes over the weekend. All in all, I'm emotionally overwhelmed again - I feel like shutting down and cry...

I know to break down my assignments to smaller tasks, and to plan my time around it. Honestly, I don't know how to take care of my emotional mind right now. I know I'm going to spiral if I don't catch myself... Jeez, come on, why is it so tough? Why do I make it unnecessary tough for myself... Such a wuss. I might spend some time to cry it out etc because I am scared, scared to bleed into everyone with my stupid reactions to the unpleasant emotions

Beating myself up doesn't help, if I want to study, I will have to make it happen by showing up - no matter how small the effort. For now, it's sort of crippling lol, I have made plans for tomorrow, don't know if I will follow through... I'll just let myself tune out for today...

Had a nice break today and read some books on content marketing. I remember feeling like I'm retrieving the self that I once embodied pre-trauma, pre-self destruction.

Hello, the past few days have been a blur, mainly because I was numbing myself with YouTube vids lol. Haven't got to watch the five lectures I have missed, and read up on assignment briefs. What I managed to get done:

- installed some progs at a deal

- bought some stuff for upcoming assignment

- tidied my desk

- worked out

I'm rewatching the lectures right now and I'm anxiety stricken... All I want to do is to shut down my laptop and cry because I'm guilty and ashamed for not approaching lectures head-on, on their actual dates. :"(

I'm almost finish with lecture 1 out of 5, and most of the assignments are due in 2 weeks...

I know it's stupid but I think I might have put off two of my very efficient groupmates by opting for online classes instead of in-person because travelling would eat into some of my budget set aside for my upcoming psyche treatments lol.

I do understand to just suck it up, think of ways to add value to the team, and stop whining about the inconvenience I've caused the both.

Posting this to-do list for the week (late start - big sad):

Catch up on lectures (ideally 5/5 by eod)

1. Blogging content and web design

2. Research on upcoming assignment (start google docs for research findings)

3. Read up on all A1 marking criteria

4. Start working on two assignments

I'm done catching up with 3/5 lectures... Although I did made some progress, it does not feel celebratory. I remember ending that lecture with my head spinning, and I feel incredibly out of place?

My anxiety has spiked, and I don't know what to do with myself - either to soldier on to lecture 4/5 or to take a break. I remember telling myself to watch an episode of my fav tv series after completing 3/5 lectures, but now I feel it's unwarranted.

I feel so crushed right now lol, as much as I'd like to embrace this 'overreaction', I'm so tired of getting so riled up and yet paralysed by it.

Update: I have finished 5/5 lectures.

Now, I'm left with the following before Sunday:

1. Research on upcoming assignment (start google docs for research findings)

2. Read up on all A1 marking criteria

3. Start working on two assignments

Watching Queer Eye S6E7 to relax and let out a good cry over Jamie's compassion for animals and people... Although my brain's telling me to cover more school work.

Anyway, at least I'm not crying over my problems, but over the existence of a very lovely human being 😭😭

Hi, so it turns out I have an assignment due Sunday, and I'm reviewing the materials right now. I also have two group meetings this weekend, or maybe tonight.

I'm feeling very anxious right now - brainstorming on how to write my assignment and worrying about the potential hiccups. Again, all I want to do is to curl up into a ball in bed and cry.

If there isn't a group meeting tonight, then I can focus solely on my assignment. But yeah, I'm really not feeling my best right now, it's doom and gloom in my head. I'm tired.

I'm still working on my assignment, honestly it feels not THAT daunting for now that I have a rough idea. What I'm concerned about is my groupmates for one of my modules selected in-person class, while I opted for online because I have severe anxiety when it comes to travelling to campus... which I haven't told them as well as the need to save money for my psych visits.

I understand it causes them inconvenience in terms of discussion, and I try my best to make up for it in terms of the quality of my write-up. I spoke to them just now and they are still convincing me to attend in-person lesson else they'll have to report me to the lecturer (jokingly). I worked with them before, and I never miss any discussion and does quality work (despite my crippling anxiety and breakdowns before discussions).

But that worry is for later, now I have to focus on my assignment due on Sunday.

My addled brain managed to finish up the draft for the assignment due on Sunday - it needs some minor editing, but otherwise I'm quite satisfied with the content (of course, self-doubt does creep in from time to time, even now).

I'm thinking of resting for awhile now, and have dinner with my family before I continue with the edits. Although I'm very apprehensive right now when things go right atm... Afraid of jinxing it.

So I submitted my assignment early, at 4am yesterday. I remember feeling utterly stupid for overthinking my topic, but at the same time, I usually produce better write-up when I do. I'm not sure if I can handle criticism lol if this write-up turned out shit, but my grades wouldn't be affected since this assignment is a WIP opportunity.

Fast forward to today, I caught a documentary, that touches on education behind bars - I admire the tenacity of the inmates while this wuss here cries everyday because she has school to attend and participate in lol. I decided that since I have submitted my assignment, I could take a break and go out with the fam.

I was relatively calm first half of the trip, then I started getting anxious over my (another) group meeting at 9pm. And when my parents suggested to go to a place (I had previous breakdowns at), I freaked out, was angry at them for suggesting a place they saw me had my breakdowns at. (Not proud lol, they are not at fault). Then I cried lololol and talked to a listener on her. I cried back at home too, dialled up a helpline number to talk about the outburst.

I proceed to watch some videos from School of Life before the meeting starts. It turns out that my new groupmates for the new modules are very competent, which brings relief but also worries that I couldn't pull my weight.

Ngl, I still feel extremely on edge... while yknow I mask myself as "normal" to attend lectures and group meetings.

I'm winding down tonight although my thoughts are saying that I'll regret for taking this break because the only thing I managed to get done was attending that group meeting earlier on. Submitting that assignment was yesterday's (although at 4am).

I have a lot to do but yeah i'm emotionally drained (no surprise) from all that crying today lol

And erm, I will have to start on some assignments tomorrow, and I'm feeling apprehensive about the upcoming psychiatrist appointment...

Ngl, I feel nothin' today - just disassociating to survive the day, especially when I open my documents to work on.

It's festive szn her, so there has been quite a number of house visitations but I skip most of them because well, sensory overload and anxiety from leaving the house (meaning, I'm away from my desk and I feel guilty for not working on my assignments) even though I'd get nothing done at home anyway.

Right now, I'm trying to reframe my assignment write-up as an opportunity to work quietly at the comfort of my home (yes i'm very privileged) , and as an opportunity to learn - like I said, I clocked this logically but emotionally I'm still uncomfortably on edge.

I took sometime during one of the house visitation to read the book "Reclaiming your body" by Scurlock-Durana.

Here's an excerpt that I'm working on (easy read, then done y'all):

"Most of us are aware of the inner critical voice that can plague us with doubting, chiding, even insulting thoughts, often denigrating our self-worth or questioning our right to exist.

To begin, bring to mind one of your painful thoughts or limiting beliefs - perhaps one associated with the physical plane of resistance that you just held and loved, or notice any limiting or painful thought that is bothering you right now.

...Wherever the anchor of your pain or discomfort is, allow your internal healing presence, your energy hands, to come and cradle that place as we proceed, loving it as unconditionally as you can in this moment.

No agenda. Simply being present with it, holding it gently and witnessing it in the kind, unconditional way.

Now, silently repeating your limiting belief or painful thoughts, ask yourself, "Am I sure that this limiting belief is true?" Can you open to the possibility that this thought is not true at some level? Even though you may have a lot of data from past history to back up the fact that it might be true at some point, you really don't know whether it is still true.

So now ask yourself, "What would it feel like if I were open to the possibility that this painful thought or limiting belief is not true? What would it feel like?

And make this question very specific to whatever your painful thought is. E.g. "I am not good enough," you might say instead, "I'm open to the possibility that this thought of not being good enough is just not true. I'm open to the possibility that I'm good enough.

When you are ready, you can go a step farther and say, "I'm open to the possibility not only that I am good enough, but that who I am is a pleasure... is a pleasure.