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Soul searching in 2021

lyf2021 March 14th, 2021

Anxiety and a quarter life crisis.

Deciding to put my thoughts somewhere since I also started journalling everyday. Felt that I could try it out as a form of release and maybe people on the forum may resonate or find some comfort.

Some background of why I'm on 7 cups was basically me looking for a way to reduce the anxiety I find myself facing almost everyday. Now I'm wondering if I always was an anxiety ridden person and it became more apparent when I came to the conclusion that I could no longer deal with it on my own anymore.

I left my job in public accounting/audit for an accountant postion pretty recently (2 months ago). I was never really happy there and the dissatisfaction started to build as more time went by. I started to have doubts about why I was just continuing to work without feeling any sort of will to continue anymore. It was getting harder to feel happy or satisfied even if I completed a task. Why do I even work overtime for people who don't care about me? Why do I work so hard when I don't really have any drive to have a career?

So I left my job for a new one that offered me some stability and a pretty reasonable pay although it does get busy around the start of every month.

At first I felt ok, the nerves and the jitters were to be expected. Everything was new and we are all working from home due to the pandemic. After the 2nd month, the anxiety decided to settle for a more permanent position in my life. I wake up every Monday - Friday with a racing heart and dry heaving. I spend the rest of the day quietly performing my tasks but the anxiety never abates completely. I spent more time hiding in my phone and overall just feeling really meh. I just keep waiting for the end of the day but feeling horrible that I can't seem to find any release of anxiety regardless. This was when I finally realised, well...looks like something is really wrong. I still feel purposeless, I still feel like I'm using up so much of my life for work that I will never care for.

Deciding to reach out to a therapist was pretty hard too and waiting for therapy, even harder. After my first session, I was asked about my purpose with my career. And I just....realised I can't answer this question. I never loved accounting and never felt much passion for any subject at school. Oh i did well academically anyway but left school and university with no love for any subject in particular.

All I wanted was to have a stable, happy, simple life. i didn't need to be a millionaire or a CEO. I just want to be happy. I just wanted peace. I thought I could do that by spending my time on things I did like outside of work.

But life isn't ever that easy...is it?.... And so this is where I'm deciding to start my soul searching...

Maybe I will never like this new job but I'm willing to stick it out for a year to learn what I can and that's ok. Maybe I end up not being able to stick it out and that's ok.

I just started therapy, I just started trying to be better. Its probably too soon to look for any results.... and that's ok. Keep going, keep learning and be kind to myself.

Stick to my exercise plan and I might not be able to keep up with it everyday. Hey that's ok.

Journal everyday and reduce using my phone as a coping tool. Spend time learning how to live my life more purposefully. That's definately not going to be easy but I can do hard things. I might falter some days and that's also ok.

smiley Goodnight world. It'll still be a beautiful day to do hard things tomorrow too.

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MidwesternCalmSeeker March 14th, 2021

Hi, there, @lyf2021 and thanks for sharing this. I, too, have turned to other activities to feel better about how I'm living my best life. It's a journey, but it is a good one to take. Glad to hear you are working on a path forward, and I hope you find many things to feel passionate about. Take care.

lyf2021 OP March 15th, 2021

Checking in for now

Making a quick post before I start my day. It took a lot more effort than usual, trying to calm myself and not just letting my anxiety take control. I haven't stopped feeling scared yet but its getting better.

Just wanted to also say how grateful I am for joining this forum. It made me realise that everyone has their struggles and there are a lot more brave people out there than I previously thought. I don't really mind if anyone wants to post here or reply to me. I appreciate it even that someone took the time to actually read this word vomit of mine. I'm from a country in Southeast Asia so while awareness of mental health is getting better, the older generation is still pretty old fashioned and they believe in a more tough love kind of approach. Although they care about my wellbeing, they'd probably just ask me just to take a break or feel better soon. I guess its still hard to find like minded peope who understand what I'm going through.

I'll probably check in a couple of times today when I feel my thoughts are getting too loud. Have a great day everyone ~

lyf2021 OP March 15th, 2021

Closure before I sleep - 15/3

It was kind of hot today but its cooled down enough tonight. So here I am keeping up with my new routine. It was a better day than last week. i was a little less anxious but still relatively aware of the anxiety in the background of the day. It took me a lot longer to pull myself together this morning but I am trying to put everything I learn into practise. I'll also try to use up my lunch hour fully to do some breathing exercises or just practise mindfullness techniques for a little while.

My energy usually starts to wane after 3 pm is what I also notice. I wonder how people do it. I'm usually so tired by the end of the day, I really have to discipline myself into keeping up with my evening routine. I can only imagine how I'm going to do all of this once the closing week starts again. I'm going to stop that though there since imagining how busy I am going to get in the future hasn't helped me yet.

Ruminating and being trapped in my head is still a pretty big problem for me. It gets hard to concentrate sometimes when all I can think about is "why do we all keep working for the corporate machine?". At the end of the day, we sacrifice so much of our health and time just to get a decent salary. Is this really all there is to life?

I guess it wouldn't be fair to myself if I also didn't acknowledge the fact that although I still ended up using my phone to cope, I'm using it a little less. I got some of my tasks done for today, nothing bad happened. I made myself some tea in the afternoon and I've successfully gone a month with only one cup of coffee a day.

I still havent been able to exercise everyday but I guess thats ok. I'll try again tomorrow when I'm feeling a little better. Might be too much to put that as part of my schedule on a Monday.

Oh I bought myself a new bag. I think it looks cute and it had free shipping ~ can't wait to get it. there are a couple more things in my cart I wanna get too but I'll save that for tomorrow or wednesday when I'm not as sleepy. smiley

Well i guess that's it from me. Goodnight everyone. Sleep well.

lyf2021 OP March 16th, 2021

Woke up today and wasn't feeling too great

Anxiety seems to be a constant companion and nothing I do seems to be working. It takes a lot of effort, deep breathing or listening to meditations to be able to reach a state where I'm at least calm enough to go about my day.

I guess I am just feeling down since I havent made any breakthroughs so far.....I hope I'll be ok today.

lyf2021 OP March 16th, 2021

Sleepy - 16/3

The anxiety calmed down after awhile and I started to feel a little better. Focus can still be pretty tough during the 2nd half of the day.

I haven't really had too much time to think about purpose yet but I've been listening to podcasts and some youtube videos about the concept of ikigai. the japanese concept of finding your purpose in life. It;s pretty interesting. A small part of me feels a little sad that I only discovered this now. I used to think that it should have been enough for me to just make money at my job and find happiness elsewhere. Now im starting to wonder if thats not enough for me to feel happy again. Maybe initially it was enough but as I get older I feel the pay off just isn't there. We work far too many hours and we never really feel that we can leave the work at the office and end up thinking about work at home. This realisation was probably where I hit the wall. At the same time, it's never too late to start thinking about these things, I still have a lot of life ahead of me. Better now than never.laugh

I still have some things left to do for work but I'm too tired to focus now. Might also be a side effect of me deciding to cut down on my coffee habit. Today was the first time in awhile that I didnt have a cup of coffee in the morning! Was a little sad by that ngl, I still love coffee. I'll aim to finish another chapter of my book in abit. smiley

As always here's hoping I'll sleep well and tomorrow is a brand new day. heart

2 replies
barncat March 16th, 2021

@lyf2021- I loved reading that you are searching for the purpose in life. Be prepared that this purpose is not written in stone! It is a fluid venture- and changes through different phases in one's life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts- it reminded me of the seasons of my life as I am looking back, and forwards also. Take care. Hugs.

1 reply
lyf2021 OP March 17th, 2021

@barncat

Thanks for your kind words! heart

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lyf2021 OP March 17th, 2021

17/3 - small breakthroughs

Today was the first time in awhile that I didn't feel that my heart was going crazy in my chest. Perhaps a sign that some habits are starting to catch on. It still takes a while for me to get ready in the mornings and my growing list of tasks are still there but I think I can at least get a couple of things done by today.

Just remember to breathe, things will slowly get better. smiley

Bye for now and have a great day everyone ~

lyf2021 OP March 17th, 2021

17/3 - Emptiness

I'm starting to wonder if I'm kind of depressed. There is a void there that can't seem to be filled no matter how much I try. Perhaps I'm over thinking this or maybe I am coming to a realisation that I have never been happy in life.

Work seems to keep piling up do matter how fast I do things...There really isnt any feeling of joy or satisfaction even if I so get things done.

I believe that I am kind of lost since I dont find my career aligning with any of my values. I want to spend more time with my friends and family. Learn more new things. Chase other pursuits like learning a new language or picking up a new skill.

I don't know how to do all that with a corporate job. I get off work at 630 pm - 7pm and every month, there will probably be a week where I need to work till 11 pm. People still seem to be fine getting off late and rolling in early the next morning. Here I am barely hanging on, even the weekends stopped feeling like it was enough a long time ago. We spend 5 days working our butts off and the other 2 just trying to recover from all that. What a world we live in.....

Im stuck here for the moment....I have an awareness of all this but I guess the next step is trying to free myself from this or at least come to terms with it.

Apart from that, I am learning more about meditation and mindfulness. People throw those words around a lot but I think with the right mind set I might learn something from it. I know now that I am just using it as a stop gap measure to cope with my anxiety and feelings of depression but I havent really learned how to be curious and think about why am I doing this.

One day at a time. Goodnight everyone and sleep well.

lyf2021 OP March 18th, 2021

18/3

I feel like I finally had a day where my anxiety didn't feel present in the background. I still started out a little shaky in the morning but it gradually got better as I just carried on during the day. Its feels refreshing. I felt calm for the first time in a long time.

In a way I feel that most of my rants about working in corporate has been me throwing an adult sized tantrum at the unfairness of it all....Life was never meant to be fair and we are all only human. For all I feel that things don't go they way I want it to I have to accept not being perfect and that I can sometimes be overwhelmed by all my worries.

I'll continue with my meditation practise and try incorporating mindfulness in more of my daily life. It might help me start to have a better understanding of myself and my values in life. I did come to realise that it also wouldn't help if all I used the skills I'm learning just as a coping skill for the anxiety and nothing more.

I got my parcel today! and its pretty cute, hope I get to use it soon. wink

As always peace out and happy friday!!!!!

lyf2021 OP March 20th, 2021

20/3

Just a quick one for today....not going to force myself to brain dump when I'm not feeling it.

There are still moments when I fall back into the anxiety pit but its taking less effort to climb back out now. There are still some days that are worse than other but I hope I can keep the momentum going.

Today I spending some time just wondering about my own personal values. Part of the reason why I feel so pressured by corporate life is that I've lost my way when it comes to what I value. Some where a long the way a career started to matter less and less. i still like doing my job well, but its fine if i dont climb the corporate ladder. i dont think I can handle that much stress anyway . indecision Look at me now, I not even in a management position and I already feel like this is my limit. I'm looking forward to my next appointment and deciding where to go from here with my therapist. It's early days yet but just maybe I can put a little more hope in finding myself there.

Spent a day with family and friends, now i'll just kick back and chill a little.

As always, signing off and goodnight everyone.

lyf2021 OP March 21st, 2021

21/3

Think my original post didnt get posted. Hmmmm....oh well.

Just wanted to say that i was feeling pretty bad for the most part of the day. Had a small dip back into the anxiety pit and had a pretty tough time crawling my way out.

I realise I was having an irrational fear of my emails for some reasons. Had to gather myself before actually opening it but then hey no one died. and i guess i realised how silly I was being...even if there was something urgent, there isnt any need for me to reply right away. I should learn to be let go of some of my misplaced responsibility on my work.

So yea, i feel a better now. I got somethings done...and hey I think I never thought about it but I have to give myself a pat on the back, ive been trying to learn mandarin and I finished one workbook! Wow, still kind of hard to believe I did that...Im going to start the 2nd one soon.

Welp one day at a time....here's hoping I have a better week.