Soul searching in 2021

Anxiety and a quarter life crisis.

Deciding to put my thoughts somewhere since I also started journalling everyday. Felt that I could try it out as a form of release and maybe people on the forum may resonate or find some comfort.

Some background of why I'm on 7 cups was basically me looking for a way to reduce the anxiety I find myself facing almost everyday. Now I'm wondering if I always was an anxiety ridden person and it became more apparent when I came to the conclusion that I could no longer deal with it on my own anymore.

I left my job in public accounting/audit for an accountant postion pretty recently (2 months ago). I was never really happy there and the dissatisfaction started to build as more time went by. I started to have doubts about why I was just continuing to work without feeling any sort of will to continue anymore. It was getting harder to feel happy or satisfied even if I completed a task. Why do I even work overtime for people who don't care about me? Why do I work so hard when I don't really have any drive to have a career?

So I left my job for a new one that offered me some stability and a pretty reasonable pay although it does get busy around the start of every month.

At first I felt ok, the nerves and the jitters were to be expected. Everything was new and we are all working from home due to the pandemic. After the 2nd month, the anxiety decided to settle for a more permanent position in my life. I wake up every Monday - Friday with a racing heart and dry heaving. I spend the rest of the day quietly performing my tasks but the anxiety never abates completely. I spent more time hiding in my phone and overall just feeling really meh. I just keep waiting for the end of the day but feeling horrible that I can't seem to find any release of anxiety regardless. This was when I finally realised, well...looks like something is really wrong. I still feel purposeless, I still feel like I'm using up so much of my life for work that I will never care for.

Deciding to reach out to a therapist was pretty hard too and waiting for therapy, even harder. After my first session, I was asked about my purpose with my career. And I just....realised I can't answer this question. I never loved accounting and never felt much passion for any subject at school. Oh i did well academically anyway but left school and university with no love for any subject in particular.

All I wanted was to have a stable, happy, simple life. i didn't need to be a millionaire or a CEO. I just want to be happy. I just wanted peace. I thought I could do that by spending my time on things I did like outside of work.

But life isn't ever that easy...is it?.... And so this is where I'm deciding to start my soul searching...

Maybe I will never like this new job but I'm willing to stick it out for a year to learn what I can and that's ok. Maybe I end up not being able to stick it out and that's ok.

I just started therapy, I just started trying to be better. Its probably too soon to look for any results.... and that's ok. Keep going, keep learning and be kind to myself.

Stick to my exercise plan and I might not be able to keep up with it everyday. Hey that's ok.

Journal everyday and reduce using my phone as a coping tool. Spend time learning how to live my life more purposefully. That's definately not going to be easy but I can do hard things. I might falter some days and that's also ok.

Goodnight world. It'll still be a beautiful day to do hard things tomorrow too.