Scattered Thoughts

Introduced to a new band by a friend, they're called Waterparks
Been listening to their newest album a lot the past few days, it's called Greatest Hits

It's been getting really hard for me to do activities I want or need to do. Even the fun things I can't bring myself to do. I want to do them but the amount of mental energy needed to get up and prepare for them is just too much for me to handle at the moment— or at least that's what it feels like. Probably the depression and I have a very hard time talking about that aspect for reasons (some reasons that I know and some reasons that I don't know lmao)



*Bonus*
I resent the party scene with a part of me that's hard to see
It turned my starry friends to uninspireds lacking symmetry

21 Questions— Waterparks
My moods dictated by our conversations
And when you don't text back I get too frustrated
I want you all to myself this time

I'll forget you if you need me to
Like nothing ever happened



So much resentment these days. Well it was always there really but when you're in the house 24/7 with people you resent you notice it a whole lot more. Been on my mind. Sometimes I feel stupid— it could be so much worse than it is, I know that for sure— but I still feel the need to complain about it in my head. And here it seems. I am aware that all problems are valid regardless of how they measure up to the problems of others— I think I understand it a little more too now, accept it a bit even. But I still fall into that old pattern of thinking at times. I've heard a few times that in a seven year period every single cell in your body is replaced and therefore you are quite literally a different person. For this to be true your brain cells would also have to be replaced, and recently I've been wondering how memories would be transferred from the old cells to the new ones. I know brain cells can die but as far as I know maybe the ones that contain memories never die, or when they do that's when the memory is forgotten. I could probably look it up somewhere I guess. More to say but the words aren't falling anymore— who reversed gravity?

@ThePizza you've been in my thoughts too :)

Kind of cliche but it's starting to feel without purpose I guess. Still hard for me to say out loud that I think my depression is affecting me more on a certain day— can't bring myself to say the d word sometimes even to my own therapist which is counterintuitive but it's what's been happening

My parents keep questioning me about whether I think the therapy and OT are helping and if I'm making progress. I asked my mom and she said she's asking to make sure that progress is being made and stuff because that's what the therapy is for and we are paying for it. Hearing them question if I'm making progress makes ME question making progress and it sucks

The day's gone to shit

Overheard conversations about things I should already know
And I do know but it's not implemented
I want it to be implemented

It's time to get away from all this

Everything tends to snowball in one way or another

I'm so done when does it ever end

back and forth it ebbs and flows

an emotional outburst I guess we're all frustrated but this cut deep

or maybe that's just a weakness in me.

(Royal by Waterparks)

'Cause I work myself to death
Don't believe me? Ask Geoff
And I'm doing alright
But is alright enough?
'Cause I'm living my dreams
But I live at home
'Cause everything is on the down low for now

You won't like what you see
So keep your eyes off of me
I fall in love with everything
That wants nothing to do with me
I know that there's no dealing
With the way I'm feeling
I'm so out of touch with everyone
And everything's a blur to me

@ThePizza

No such thing as too many ducks :)