Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
The poems I write are time capsules to me
I can edit in the moment but after that they're set in stone
@mytwistedsoul
This version of Trials is pretty cool too
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XqSA7aGiQXY
@ThePizza Oh wow M - you're right. I forgot how nice that song is and how cool the lyrics are. Thank you for sharing - thank you for reminding me :)
Fyi - I thought of you the other day - we allmost bought some baby ducks :) How's driving going?
@mytwistedsoul I like thatbthe first thing on here is the duck eating pizza lol
@mytwistedsoul
The duck is having a snack :) great way to start the page
Awee I can totally imagine little ducklings running around in the greenhouse! That would be really cute. I would love to raise a duck in the future 🦆 I also love cats but I'd have to be careful having them at the same time haha. I think if you get two pets at the same time when they're both young they usually bond though
It's still insane to me that I'm driving lol. Right now I have to drive with an adult in the car and I have to get a certain number of hours by next year. I definitely need a lot more practice but so far it's going alright. For once zoning out is working in my favor lmao, I don't feel overly anxious when I'm driving. But that's it like I'm still aware of the road and stuff I'm not completely out of it 🙃 that would be really bad
@ThePizza :) I think you're right about raising them together. There's all kinds of videos with cats and birds and even dogs with lions or cheetahs named Jason Statham ;) lol
I think it's really cool about you driving. Are you gonna get your own set of wheels or do you have to share with one of your parents for alittle? You sound like a good driver though - not being too anxious while driving is a good thing. It's just so cool 😁
School's been out for a couple weeks so that's been great. I still sorta feel busy though because there are a lot of things that I want to do or get done during the summer— we're gonna redo my room a bit, and there are so many little fun book/art things and small tasks I've been wanting or meaning to complete for a while but never got around to because of school. More like, I felt overwhelmed by schoolwork and told myself I would get to those things in the summer just to shorten my daily mental checklist a bit.
Started going to an occupational therapist for some sensory stuff and executive dysfunction. Knowing the distinction between laziness, procrastination, and executive dysfunction has been a little helpful at times. Recently I've noticed there are days where it's not even the executive dysfunction keeping me from doing something like usual, but I think my depression. Just general low moods and tiredness, not wanting to get up but also not enjoying sitting down and aimlessly spending time on my phone or drawing iPad either. That's the truth of what I'm doing but I hate how saying I'm using technology for long periods of time conjures up the image of the stereotypical teenager obsessed with their phone. Moving on from that topic now
Realistically, I'm not going back to my year round swim team this season, but I still haven't fully processed that yet. My therapist suggested I do some things to get closure with swimming, such as an official goodbye to friends and/or coaches, or a nice dinner. Leaving would have been hard enough without the circumstances brought about by the pandemic— it was so abrupt. I didn't get a last, normal meet in, I didn't get to say goodbye to people in person; considering how many years I spent on this sport with this team it feels very anticlimactic and unfinished. Ha I don't want to think about this anymore right now either lol— one more thing though, someone on my year round swim team made the US Olympic swim team so that's pretty awesome
I already have a ton of stuff going on but on top of it something just feels,,, off. Talked about it with my therapist so many times, brought it up with my psychiatrist and OT therapist briefly— nothing. Well, I guess a little more than just nothing but none of us know what it is and how to deal with it. Could be depersonalization? Derealization? Dissociation? As far as I know there's not really anything that would have caused those things. My therapist said it could also be a sort of ADHD fog (it's complicated but I technically have ADHD even though when I was tested I wasn't diagnosed) and we've tried some strategies but nothing really works. I never know how to explain it to people and when I try my explanations never feel accurate. I'm tired
Went to my neighborhood pool today to see how well I can still swim— I haven't been in a pool for about eight months, since the end of October. I was pretty nervous about it because I didn't want to run into any of the neighbors and have to answer questions about my swim situation, but luckily there was no one else there. I wasn't there for too long, about an hour, and I did some laps of different strokes and also spent some time just floating around lol. In general I love the feeling of being in the water, and I haven't done it in so long. I was surprised by how much of my technique I retained, but I am definitely out of shape haha. I struggled through a 200 easy freestyle, which would be only a fraction of the warmup in my usual practices. I'm going to try and go three times a week, in the mornings when the summer league team has their practices in the afternoon. I even saw a little green hummingbird, which was a nice surprise :) It hovered over the water for a few seconds before flying away. I remember years ago when I was much younger we used to have a few bird feeders in our backyard, and we would get this one type that was like all the seeds and things stuck together in a bell shape. I think a few hummingbirds came to that one. One time we saw a beautiful blue butterfly on it, and we thought it was stuck because it hadn't moved in a while and the birdseed was kinda sticky. My dad was on his way outside to try and get it loose somehow when it flew away. I guess it might have been attracted to whatever syrupy thing was holding the birdseed together lol. It was like a rice crispy treat.
It feels good to write here again
You did it once, why not do it again? Brushing it off shouldn't be this easy
Look what you started with that list, why do you deny others the same chance for change and companionship?
Oh how immovable I've become