Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
Let's write something nice—
Randomly searched up "how to adopt a duck" because I would love to do that in the future lol and I found a website for a nonprofit animal rescue shelter that has ducks and it's in a state that shares a border with my state ahhhhhh I could totally go there* 👀
*When Covid is better of course
I haven't been to swim practice since the very end of October. I've been dreaming a lot lately. Almost every single night involves at least a section of dream involving swimming.
Had an assignment in creative writing to make a list of events in our lives that are important/formative to us. One of mine was simply labeled "Campfire". Had another assignment, same class, to write a poem about where we're from, similar concept to the first assignment. I made my poem super vague and had the analogy of the events in my life being planets within the expanding universe that is me/my life/my experiences. I wrote about a few planets of a specific solar system and a campfire planet was one of them. You are important to me and I appreciate it more every day.
Self-isolation from friends has definitely been a big issue lately, especially since I haven't been to swim practice in a long time. The only person I consistently talk to is R. I would love to talk to so many other people but I don't have any conversational topics planned and I always freeze up when I try to contact them. It sucks. I'm scared I'll lose them because they don't realize that I do miss them.
I hate the little things that happen because they occur so often but I never know how to describe it to another person and I always wonder if I'm blowing things out of proportion or yes, being to sensitive as I've been called so many times. I just hate some of the tones of voices my parents use and the passive-aggressiveness of my mom. Everything is so loud. My dad doesn't respect one of my boundaries and I don't know if I should make a point of firmly insisting that he respects it or if I'm being too strict, too sensitive. Again there's that word. I've been called it so many times by my family.
I'm still having a really hard time with incorporating leisure activities into my daily routine. Actually there are a lot of routines I need to solidify that I'm having trouble with. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by it all. Parents told me to start with one thing first but they all affect each other and I don't know where to start. I have a really hard time prioritizing things. Which seems weird considering my academic achievements.
{Continue on subject of so called academic achievement later when I'm not actively falling asleep}
Rise Above https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AZrrynWeLfQ
Medicine (Band name has a curse in it— idk just thought I'd say so in case) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mDQ109ZtEJU
Thought Dump(?)
tired
upset
uncomfortable with how things are
it sucks
im not happy with it
I can't do anything about it for now because I got rid of everything when I was younger
i don't know who i am and I didn't know who I was then either. People always well not always but many people say they miss the good old days of when they were younger but I hate who I was back then too. How much of my life has been spent living a false identity? How much of it would have been changed if I had found myself earlier? IS there a self that is mine to find? Sometimes I don't think so. Is this a common thing for other people or is mine more extreme, majorly different than theirs? Who even knows? How can I trust anyone, how could I ever believe anyone is untrustworthy? I don't even know what I'm saying right now. Words pouring out because I'm desperate to communicate in more ways perhaps. Life feels so weird right now, but in such similar specific ways to the weirdness of before that I know it's not just because of quarantine. How long until I wake up? My therapist explained to me the seven levels of participation the lowest of which is just being awake, youre lying down and not doing anything but you're awake. Except I feel like I'm at level 0 for much of the time, sometimes down to -3 or -4 perhaps. I'm awake, yes, but I don't feel like it,,, I stand outside and look at the lawn and I have to remind myself that I am seeing things, I am processing the outside world and interpreting it as vision and II don't even know. I try to look up at the sky but it's too bright and I don't feel like I can lift my head high enough to see it. My eyes are open yet I don't feel like I'm seeing and I try to widen them further but it doesn't help. This is not an analogy or metaphor. I have physically stood outside and experienced those things very recently. I think it scares some a part of me that is tucked away somewhere. Why is everything so hard these days? Give me a break please. I am going to be so unprepared when i go back to in person school. My heart is racing, don't know why. Not many things feel like they matter anymore even though I know that they do and part of me agrees that they matter. The blanket of apathy suffocates all. Is there no end in sight? I don't feel like a person anymore but I'm not sure why, or what feeling like a person is supposed to be like. Uncomfortable. Fast pace fast mind. Dissapointing. I wish that i would pursue the subjects I love more fully but I never do and it makes me feel like I'm only pretending to like that subject. Which isn't true but I feel it all the same. Nothing and everything has changed and I feel so alone. But do i? It's calmed down quite a bit these days but for a very long time I never felt I was alone. In the shadow sense at least. Sometimes when I'm sorting through things in my room I find old papers and notebooks where past me wrote or drew the feelings of being alone and not enough. Strangely in a way I love finding these things because it feels like evidence that I was always having a rough time and it makes it seem more valid that I have diagnoses in a sense?? Like a "oh this isn't just recent it's been most or all of your life." Which makes me feel better about the whole "teenagers are just unhappy/moody/dramatic" type of stereotypes because if I have proof that I thought and acted and felt the same way as a child then that means it's not new behavior and it's not just some teenage stereotype thing.
@ThePizza Hey M - some pretty deep thoughts here. From what I understand - there's so much that goes into who we are. There's so much to take into consideration. If we're encouraged to explore things when we're little - if we're allowed to express things. But if we're given criticism or punished for things you kind of start to ignore those things and do and behave in ways that are acceptable to those who are around us.
There's things that might interest you - that maybe your parents disapprove of - so it gets set aside. Or maybe your friends made you feel uncomfortable. I think it's different too when you're out on your own away from the rules of living under someone else's roof. You have more freedom to do and try new things. From what I understand college - college is a time of discovery for alot of people. You'll be able to make your own choices and hopefully be able to spend more time on the things you want - rather then things you're sort of obligated to do - Idk. Maybe that doesn't make much sense
I feel for you M - it sounds as though you have the weight of your world on your shoulders. Um - I have no right to ask anything of you - but I hope maybe you'll try to explain how you're seeing the world to your therapist
I think it would be alittle scary having to go back to being in school. It was a shock when all this started with this lockdown stuff and now we have to move forward with out the safety of being in our homes - our rooms. It will take some time I'm sure - to get used to being out in the world again
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts M
@mytwistedsoul
I think I understand. In an environment such as college I can make choices without my parents necessarily being aware of them. Not that I'm thinking of doing anything in particular they would disapprove of it would just be nice to not have to worry about what their opinion about it is and if they'll be upset at me in any way. There are a lot of things I remember I did or said as a little kid that I don't like looking back on it, especially stuff where I know I acted a certain way just to fit in or meet someone's expectations. There are a lot of things I did in an attempt to be different I guess— idk just trying to go against all the societal expectations and stereotypes as I could, except now as I'm trying to unlearn those stereotypes and just do want I enjoy doing I find it difficult to do those things because I spent such a long time purposely rejecting it. Like idk I have this thing where I wear shorts like all the time even in the winter, and I mean where I live we don't get a ton of snow regularly or anything but it can definitely get down to the 20s or 30s in wintertime (Fahrenheit). And I've lived here my whole life so it's not like I'm from a place where it snowed a lot, I just don't find myself bothered by the cold very much and I actually think it's nice. So anyway I got this reputation of wearing athletic shorts all the time even when it's super cold outside and I just got rid of all my other types of shorts and pants because I never wore them. Maybe this explanation is getting a bit weird lol idk. So now I have basically one type of outfit to wear and I literally can't experient with different clothing styles if I want to because I just don't have the types of clothing for it. Honestly I kinda lost track of where I was going with this whole thing lmao
Thank you J I need the reminder to be gentle— it's so easy to forget you know? Or even sometimes just to ignore it because you feel like you don't deserve gentleness. In some ways I've gotten a lot better with that type of thing but there's definitely still a lot I need to work on
Oh yeah speaking of college, I mean this is kinda indirectly related but I've done my three sessions of behind the wheel instruction for driving ahhhh
Sometimes I think about the time when I happened across your this is me thread and that whole list of random stuff I gave you— I guess that was ages ago now wasn't it? Strange how much of an impact that sort of thing could have— okay I'm spacing out again haha but I guess what I'm trying to say is that Im glad I met you (oh no that's kinda sappy isn't it? Chocolate sauce for the post and panic sundae)
@ThePizza Exactly! Maybe you don't want to eat your vegetables or you want Skittles and a Coke for supper one night. Or maybe you want to decorate your space differently. Not that you're gonna get tattoo sleeves and three dozen piercings. Allthough - it would be your choice ya know?
I think we do alot of things when we're younger that we don't think too much of when we get older. We try to be our own people but yet we want so badly to fit in and belong somewhere. There's peer pressure and pressure from parents and for the most part - I don't think we look at things too closely until we get older. Our perspectives broaden and we see the world in a different way. We form our own opinions
Kind of sounds like a superpower - not being bothered by the cold. Thats pretty awesome! Maybe you could look at stuff online and see if a style catches your eye. Maybe look at different stuff if you get out some where. Allthough - there's nothing wrong with dressing in what your comfortable in
You're welcome :) it is hard to remember to be gentle. When everything else inside says you deserve what you get. I'm glad it's getting better for you there. You don't deserve it M
Three sessions! Awesome! It can be kind of nerve wracking can't it? You'll be mobile before you know it. Just allways wear your seat belt and no texting behind the wheel - ok? :)
I think about that list alot tbh. That's a part of who you are - the goodness inside you. That you took the time to make a list for a stranger to help them stop hurting themselves. You have a good heart M - don't ever doubt that. I'm glad I met you too - I hope and wish that things get better and easier for you. That life brings you what you want for yourself. I can really see you doing good things
A post and panic sundae sounds awesome! Extra chocolate sauce though ;) on account of the extra sap
Waving Through A Window from Dear Evan Hansen
I've learned to slam on the brake
Before I even turn the key
Before I make the mistake
Before I lead with the worst of me
Give them no reason to stare
No slipping up if you slip away
So I got nothing to share
No, I got nothing to say
Step out, step out of the sun
If you keep getting burned
Step out, step out of the sun
Because you've learned, because you've learned
On the outside, always looking in
Will I ever be more than I've always been?
'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass
I'm waving through a window
I try to speak, but nobody can hear
So I wait around for an answer to appear
While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass
I'm waving through a window, oh
Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?
We start with stars in our eyes
We start believing that we belong
But every sun doesn't rise
And no one tells you where you went wrong
Step out, step out of the sun
If you keep getting burned
Step out, step out of the sun
Because you've learned, because you've learned
On the outside, always looking in
Will I ever be more than I've always been?
'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass
Waving through a window
I try to speak, but nobody can hear
So I wait around for an answer to appear
While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass
Waving through a window, oh
Can anybody see, is anybody waving?
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?
Did I even make a sound?
Did I even make a sound?
It's like I never made a sound
Will I ever make a sound?
On the outside, always looking in
Will I ever be more than I've always been?
'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass
Waving through a window
I try to speak, but nobody can hear
So I wait around for an answer to appear
While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass
Waving through a window, oh
Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me? (oh)
Is anybody waving?
Waving, waving, whoa-oh, whoa-oh
@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul
Also V I don't remember all of your new username and same with Storm but anyway yeah thinking of all of you
I don't feel awake I don't know what the hell this is if I'm just tired or if I'm dissociating i don't know and I HATE IT SO MUCH
@ThePizza Hey M - was just thinking about you. I hope you're doing ok. You're in my thoughts
Be gentle with yourself