Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
My heart hurts
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To several offline friends:
You never deserved this distance and I'm sorry. I want to reach out so bad— I am not here right now and with no explanation I know many of you will assume I don't miss you. But I do. And it hurts me every day to think about you. The memories we have together, I hold onto them dearly.
I wish things were different. That they had been différent. One day we'll talk again, yeah? One day I'll make it happen
@mytwistedsoul
You've all been in my thoughts these past days. I've been wishing you the best. Things really did come up all at once and smack you in the face didn't they? That's a hard situation to try and make sense of and fix up. If it is okay I'd like to give a gentle reminder that your words matter, Logan. You are welcome to write here and are valid as an individual, even though the circumstances are so complicated. I myself have felt the toll of the depression and its affects and though my pain is not the same as yours, I think I understand the general weariness that goes along with it and I am so sorry you have to experience it. I do hope that you will be able to communicate better with RQ and begin to figure things out and establish a better relationship with her. <3
@ThePizza Thank you. Thank you for your kindness and your gentle reminder. Things did happen all at once. I think that maybe we got caught off guard, too much all at once and we got sucker punched.
Our pain may not be the same, but in the long run I don't think that it matters. Pain is pain and I'm sorry that as a teenager you're dealing with it. Being a teenager is hard enough without things adding to it. I'm sure everything with this pandemic hasn't helped. So much has changed. Life shouldn't be so hard all the time, for anyone, regardless of their age.
I hope your depression eases, even if it's a little and you can find joy and peace. Even in small doses, those little moments help and spark a small ember of hope. Hold tight to that.
To everyone who frequents here or has in the past, thank you.
Started the second semester of school last week. The school I go to does block schedule so I've started new classes. It's been nice to have a fresh start. I've been doing pretty well overall so far but today I definitely slipped backwards again. Hopefully it doesn't snowball like it has in the past. It shouldn't if I make sure to get my work done tomorrow.
Haven't had a meeting with my therapist in a while, which feels odd since normally I have it once a week. She's had to cancel a few times, which I can tell my parents aren't super happy about but I don't hold it against her. Stuff happens and she did just have a baby a few months ago, which I'm sure is a factor. Plus I don't think I would be considered a high risk client (I think that's what it's called?).
I do have a meeting this week though. I really want to try and talk about stuff I don't usually talk about. I've been getting more comfortable sharing things but there's honestly still so much I haven't gotten into yet. We're definitely a good match I just have a hard time in general talking about some things. There are definitely a few topics in particular I can think of that I think I haven't brought up because of feelings of embarrassment/shame. There's also the issue of bringing up stuff about parents/my family. There are so many little moments that feel toxic and I think I should bring up but it's hard to remember how to describe them when I'm not in the moment you know? And then I worry that I'm overreacting and it's not something I need to talk about.
Probably one main thing I really want to bring up is feeling so tired and sad all the time, yet also that heavy disconnection. I still don't know if I'm experiencing dissociation, derealisation, and/or depersonalization; whatever it is, it sucks, and I want to snap out of it. It frustrates me to feel like this and it frustrates me how difficult I find it to accurately describe the feeling. I don't think I've ever been able to do it justice. I just find it so hard to articulate.
There are also the moments where everything just feels— uncomfortable. The physical sensations I feel, the clothes I'm wearing, the way my body is shaped— not just the usual either, it's more like it feels weird to have appendages and skin if that makes any sense. It certainly doesn't make any sense to me lmao. I've definitely been wondering if I really am worse off than everyone thinks.
Friends. Painful subject. Would like to talk through it but there's too much to explain at the moment. Idk. I'm feel like I'm an a$$hole and I'm worried I'll lose them.
Death would scare me a whole lot less if we knew for certain there was an afterlife. The thought of consciousness just permanently ceasing is terrifying to me and a bit hard to wrap my head around at the same time. Yikes.
I really thought I would be so productive in regards to my mental and physical health during this time period. Boy did that not go as planned. But honestly what did I expect? I never meet the plan. Just like how I always plan to be super productive on weekends with my homework— it never freaking happens.
Note to self: revisit Robopocalypse and Robogenesis
There are parental controls on my phone. I can't make in-app purchases, download apps, stuff like that without my parents typing in a code. Honestly I wouldn't really care if not for the music. They have to put in the password for me to buy music. And of course they make me tell them what music I want; in the past I've basically gotten tons of songs from a certain band, so they'll ask to listen to a few of the songs first. Which basically means if I want to buy music they will look into the music first. Which yeah makes sense to a point. Personally I feel like I'm past that point though you know? I think this policy is more reasonable for kids who are younger than me. It's not that the music I want to buy is horrendously inappropriate or anything, it's just dark or depressing, or has swears or maybe a little bit of suggestive content. Which— being how I am the latter is frustrating as hell but that's another story. Point being, sure it's not all clean but it's not terrible either. It's not as if I've never heard a curse word or been exposed to inappropriate things (thank you, kids in public schools 🙄), and part of the reason I listen to stuff that is dark or depressing is as a coping method. That kind of music just happens to really reasonate with me so yeah I'm gonna listen to it. Any music I haven't bought on my phone I have to listen to on YouTube, which sucks because that takes up more energy on my phone's part and isn't as good as using the music app. Also it's annoying because I can't close out of safari without the music stopping, and all the ads. I'm just too hesitant to ask about buying the songs I want though. Sure I could ask but I'm worried that if they disapprove of songs then I've revealed that I do listen to those songs. Maybe they're willing to trust me on this now, I'm not sure. I'm just really worried about taking that risk.
I feel weird discussing/complaining about that because it kinda seems like such a typical kid thing to do and idk I just hate that. But I mean we all have random worries and annoyances that we want to vent about every once in a while right? I'm not being weird about this? Cool.
I'm ready to move on from feeling sh!tty all the time. How hard is it to just sit here and be? Very hard apparently. I keep thinking to myself, "I just need a break from things, just a nice break where I can sort out my feelings and habits and pull my life together." But the break comes in one form or another and nothing really ever changes. Maybe because I can't truly have the type of break I envision: couple months without school or any responsibilities, where my friends are aware that I'm struggling which means I don't have to worry that they're thinking I'm pushing them away intentionally or abandoning them. Even with breaks I've still had school or chores to think about, and they were only a few days to a week long at most. I mean there was winter break but somehow most of those major holidays never feel like a break.
I've noticed that for a while now I've been slipping into my head more and more to daydream basically. Idk seems like something to continue to be aware of probably
Nothing outside of me feels real but nothing inside me feels real either so where does that leave me? It leaves me feeling like everything is fake or a dream or something— again I have such a hard time articulating this. Nothing I say about it is ever quite right
@ThePizza Hey M - it's really nice to read your words. You did really great sharing things here. I'm glad you're getting more comfortable sharing things with your therapist. I understand how hard it can be to open up. It's like you're sharing your deepest - darkest thoughts and feelings with someone
There's - um - ways around the music. If you have a laptop. You can convert youtube video's to just audio files that you could download from your laptop to your phone. No purchase needed - I think you just need dropbox - thats just like a storage thing and then you can just transfer things. But maybe I shouldn't have told you that. Idk - You're young but yet not a kid anymore. And music is a great way to express what you feel. I'm sorry if it comes across as being a bad influence
I can understand being tired of feeling the way you do. You've been dealing with depression for a pretty long time. Those breaks are harder I think because it's like you're allways playing catch up with stuff you pushed off
I hope things keep getting better for you. Try not to get discouraged - everything seems to take time and the time seems to vary from moment to moment. Articulate is such a cool word isn't it? It is hard to do that - sometimes I feel like I could write a novel just trying to explain things. I think you did really good here though :)
Take care M - Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
