Scattered Thoughts

Had the idea to record myself singing a song that I listened to to help me and send it to my friend for when they needed it. I hesitantly told them this plan— hesitantly because I was really worried they would find it to be too much or not want to use it.

They want to do it with me. They're a really great guitar player and they want to learn the chords so they can play the instrumentals while I sing it.

And yet my brain STILL has the audacity to think that they actually just hate me and would never ever like me because I'm a horrible person??? What?? When will it stop?? They literally want to work with me on a fun project and that's still not enough for my brain to accept that yes, they see me as a friend too??

Time again to escape to the land of make believe in my mind where wishful thinking comes true. And yet even here I get distracted. Do I truly have that little control over my thoughts? It certainly feels so at times

I remember reading a science fiction book a looong time ago and I think I figured out the name of the series and author, but I don't remember the title and I can't find a synopsis of the book I think it is ANYWHERE, and the online library seems to have either nothing or just the audiobook and I'd really rather read it in text form agh. I am feeling frustrated about that right now lol.

I went with my dad to my school's parking lot yesterday and practiced doing some left and right turns. Driving takes a lot of concentration— kind of like swimming actually, with so many small parts to remember at certain times— but it wasn't making me anxious the way I always expected it to. Then again I was in a small side parking lot with no other drivers; I'm sure I'll be more nervous with other people on the road haha.

Oh swimming. What am I going to do about that? My break from it so far has been really nice. I'm enjoying the time off and it's nice to not be exercising every day to the point where I'm in pain and having to yell at myself to push through. The break won't last forever though. The original plan was to return at the end of March/beginning of April, since that's when longcourse season starts. (Longcourse is the pool length of 50 meters as one lap, which they use in the Olympics, instead of the 25 yards in one lap of shortcourse, which is used by neighborhood pools most of the time for example.) My parents are okay if I want to quit swim and do something else as long as I get consistent exercise, so really the main obstacle is— me. I don't know what I want anymore. I have such good friends at swim. There are some people there that I've known for years. I joined back in 2013, and while the actual pool had been around before that the year round team was just created that year. So really I've been here on this team since the very beginning! Not only do I have really good friends, I just know a lot of people because I've been around for so long. Even if they don't know me, I know them by name or by recognizing their face. I've gone through several of the coaches, so a lot of them know me and still talk to me to some extent. I have friends in multiple groups, many who I was in a group with at some point prior but then they moved up to elite track (fastest track, I'm on challenge which is the middle track but is still competitive). It took me such a long time to convince myself to take this break. I struggled back and forth for so long, because I know how hard it is to go back to swimming after being gone for a while and because I've been doing it as part of my daily routine for so long that not going for an extended amount of time when I didn't have a conflicting camp or anything just felt— wrong. I did summer league for one year and enjoyed it, so my parents asked if I wanted to try year round that year and I did. That was seven years ago! Almost half my life I've spent involved with this sport. Now whenever someone talks about their soccer games or cross country or whatever sport they're trying to navigate with the virus, I feel sort of empty inside. I used to be a sport-involved person too. I used to be an athlete all year long. I used to exercise for massive amounts of time while still juggling school and other responsibilities. I guess it's just part of my identity and now not having it has left me feeling a little lost. So of course I would go back, right? I miss the sport, I miss the people, everyone on my team was so nice and respectful about my decision, and the beginning of longcourse is a good time to join because it's after the big finale meet of shortcourse, and when many people move groups, so we'll be easing back into things instead of going full speed on day one. But… I really don't know what I want anymore. And I don't know if I will end up going back. The choices of returning or quitting fully/taking a longer break both seem monumental and extremely painful to make. Going back to that commitment every day— I've grown used to not having it, grown used to what is essentially the addition of, what, four and a half hours to each day?? Because really when we were in full swing back before the virus and all, I would have a two hour practice that I would ideally attend six days a week, and one of those days the addition of one hour of yoga, and another two of those days the addition of 45 minutes of dryland. Plus the time of getting ready and showering afterward, and driving to and from practice— yeah, that all took up 3 to 4.5 hours of my day! And then I still had homework and chores and back in middle and elementary school I had extracurricular activites too. Well in most of elementary school I wasn't doing the two hour practices six days a week with additional dryland and yoga quite yet, that was more fifth grade and all throughout middle school up to current times. I think about the pain of going, the pain of never feeling good enough or fast enough or like I was putting in enough effort or strong enough. I think about the pain of becoming friends with new people that joined years after me and watching them quickly become faster than me, improve their times, and move on to elite track and become so fast. Some of these friends I'm still close with while others have had nothing to do with me since they moved up. The pain of adding in race after race, never getting the time standards I wanted while watching my friends drop huge amounts of time and get great standards and even some cuts at the same meet. Do you know how hard it is to swim a race for the first time ever, then watch a close friend also swim that same race for the first time ever and get— an absolutely ASTONISHING time? The time standard cards go, from slower to faster, B, BB, A, AA, AAA, AAAA. Then there are also champs cuts, sectional cuts, national cuts, even Olympic cuts for a small few. So I swim this race for the very first time, and get a B. At the age I was of this race and the group I was in, in general people had many BBs and were aiming for As, some even for AAs. I have not ever gotten a single A time, and as I've gotten older I've gotten less and less BB times (the time standards change by age). My friend swims the same exact race at the same meet also for the first time and gets a AA. That is HUGE. They're in elite track of course, though once we were in the same group. We met each other through swim. Dear R :) Thinking of all these painful moments almost makes the decision seem easy, but I have fond memories too. And so many emotional ties, good and bad— the thought of going through my life knowing I failed to achieve anything I wanted to achieve in swimming destroys me a little inside each time I think about it. I may just have to accept it. After all, only a few more years until I reach college and my swimming career on this team is over. That is so little time to change things the way I want to. And the virus set me back even more.

Though in all honesty the virus saved me a little too. Or rather, it prolonged the inevitable— my academic fall. Even in the last couple of weeks before lockdown began I could feel myself slipping in school. The fall was coming. I don't think it's something I could have escaped. Quarantine and virtual school has soften its blow quite a bit I think but I'm still struggling. Yet another thing that haunts me— my wasted potential in academics. Never good enough… so many painful times I remember. I suppose the funny thing is that everyone seems to think I'm an amazing student. Teachers say it all the time, that I participate and I'm a pleasure to have in class or whatever, that my parents should be proud of me. And I do know that they ARE proud. But am I? No. I don't recognize the student they claim is in their classroom. I see a person struggling to stay focused and guessing way too many times on a test. I see a person that tries not to cheat on homework by looking things up, but many times I have to just to have enough time to finish everything that's been assigned. I see a person making careless mistakes that costs them 100s on easy quizzes and assignments and even major tests. I see a person that genuinely feels lost at times with the material yet still somehow manages to get a good grade almost every time and gets an A average in the class, often a high A. I don't say these things to brag. I say this because I am desperately confused about what people see me as. I think about all the times I could have elaborated on an answer in the homework and how much more I could participate in class, but they all seem to think I'm enough. When I took my online class that was college level in abnormal psychology, I genuinely thought that I had not understood the instructions fully and done a terrible job on each and every assignment we were given. Every single time I felt as though I was turning in garbage out of desperation because hey at least I was turning it in on time right? Seven weeks of this course, so quite a few assignments. I don't know how, or why, but I got a 100 on EVERY. SINGLE. THING. What?! I GEUNINELY thought I was failing each and every time! I don't feel that my work deserved those grades!! So many other people did waaaay better than me, yet I still got 100s on everything? I'm so confused about that. Now that I think about it this is a good way to describe to people how I feel about my work in general.

If you're reading this far, thank you. Somehow writing this down in a place where others can see it is better than writing it somewhere no one else but me will see.

Clinging
The two of us are plummeting

So far down below

Nowhere else to go

So we hold each other close

Taking turns we peer into the darkness

And our nightmares come alive

A common path we travel, made different by the E's

Environment and Experience, compared each are unique

Sometimes the comparison brings us solace, other times it causes pain

I don't know if what we have will ever be the same, or is it what we had?

We've got our secrets, and there's no shame in that

Some things are just too painful to speak aloud no matter how much you're loved

In some circumstances, the pain will lessen, and these things we hide away within ourselves can finally be spoken about

Maybe not to each other, but someone trained to help

Either way, it's okay, to keep exact details inside

But it's such a shame that things closer to the surface have to be carbonized too

Turned to diamonds, sharp things we carry inside ourselves that are strong and impossible to break

Would it help you to take this even further? To say the light shines through your diamonds of pain and lights you with its brilliance? That though they hurt the diamonds only add to your beauty?

To me that seems hollow. It's just never sat right with me

But I say it for you to hear if that's what will help you, and I'll say it again and again forever

We crumble and crack, watching the other person shatter and then ourselves. Other times we are the ones to shatter first

Even with our souls clinging to each other for life sometimes you still feel cold and dead in my arms

This distance between us breaks my heart. Yet there's nothing that can be done

It's taken me a long time to accept the fact that I cannot always give 100% for you, no matter how much I would like to

It's taken me a long time to accept the reality that I am not a force in your life capable of reforming this situation for you

It angers me so much to think of those who could

Your parents, the coaches, the teachers, the doctors, the adults in your life who never LISTEN to you

Where is one supposed to turn when the resource they've been promised is false? Over and over they tell us to go to trusted adults and that it is okay to ask for help. Yet when the other whole to my whole is in pain and asks these people for assistance they are brushed off, scolded, ignored over and over again

Never taken seriously

Even by those who were trained

Even by those who, at some point along the line, made a choice to accept the responsibility

I know the figures of their life are struggling too. The cycle is vicious and all are in its grasp

But can't somebody hear them?? I don't know what else I can say to take the hurt away or ease it for just a little

And I'm broken too

I know that I must put myself first but it pains me to do so

It pains me to smile and nod when I'm not okay

It pains me to keep offering to them when I've had nothing to offer to myself for so long

Please don't get the wrong idea. I have happy days

We make each other laugh

We're connected

But we each carry our own baggage that just hasn't been able to mix

Comprehending the truth of it all has left me screaming in agony within my own mind

It's never felt as desolate and barren the same way it does now

A waste

As we fall we continue to crumble. Little pieces flake off constantly and all we can do is watch helplessly as it spirals into the darkness

We're trying so hard to keep each other from shattering at the same time we're trying to keep ourselves together and slow and mend the cracks

It's all too much

If I have to do it for the both of us, so be it

My hand is not going to leave yours

Even though they've never really met

(Though at times I would like them to)

If I have to do it for the both of us, so be it

I just can't go about it in the same ways I have before

Before, when I tried to push myself to the side and do everything for you on my own

I wanted to take all the hits so that you could be healed, and I promised myself when you were healed then I could then take care of me too

But now I can't see any other way, and it looks like you'll have to take some hits

It's time to fully invest in myself so that I can then give back to you

And so it has been decided

The silent promise

Maybe this is what the newcomers were referring to. Or maybe we'll never really know

It seems so overwhelming

I don't know that I can do this now that I start to plan it

I may give up on myself again but I will never give up on you

So I guess the question really is,

Do I have to save myself before I can save you?

New profile picture is an adorable baby crow she looks like a little shadow duckling and I'm all for it

I'm in a daze

Time passes me by and I watch it

I watch it slowly slip away from me

The moments I'll never get back

Some things just don't seem as important anymore

Even though they still are. This is a problem

I was hoping not to put myself through this again yet here we are

Has it been weeks?

Time to escape back into my mind again

Rather be curled up under the blankets than hurting behind a mask

It's easier and harder to believe you at the same time

I really hope I'm doing the right thing

I just keep telling myself

Everything will be okay when you can hang out with them in person again. Things will make sense then

I don't know if that's true or if I'm deluding myself

Though it's not as though I'll be seeing you in that way any time soon anyway

It's tough to watch the people you care about hurting, yeah? Especially when there's really nothing you can do about it

It can be weird though

When a person's struggles directly relate to mine in some way

I know I need to confront these things

The topics that I push away and bury deep in the back of my mind

I don't want to have to consider those things right now

Or make those decisions

Hell, I don't know that I'll ever be ready to make those decisions

Am I not doing enough?

I need to put in more effort

This isn't working

I want this and yet

I don't?

There's something wrong with me then

If I have that mindset

Sick and twisted

I don't understand it

I really am worse than everyone thinks

This isn't working

@ThePizza

You've been in my thoughts M

Beauty - grace - a duck in your face :) and then it falls over lol

Let Me Go by NF

I see the small things and I thank you for it

gentle reminders are what's best in this situation