Scattered Thoughts

They could say it again and again and I don't know if it would ever really sink into my head. So many things… pointing to yes, but my brain is obstinate that they cannot possibly mean it. And even in those brief moments when it does— should I respond to it? Oh no I've said it too much and made things awkward. Why do I always ruin everything. And then goes back to the wow you can't possibly think they mean it?? Pathetic. You're annoying. Stop rambling on about this thing and let them talk about what they originally wanted to talk about.

And another thing. Why is it that I get so zoned out these days during conversations I actually want to be a part of? For a long time now I've continuously felt disconnected. I can't remember the last time I felt like I was truly experiencing something or felt 100% real. That was a good conversation!! I want to be fully engaged with this person while talking to them!! And yet I don't feel like it's actually happening and I can't think of what to say. I feel so bad. I don't want them to think I'm not interested. God that's so far from the truth. But I can't

Ha lost train of thought

So many things wrong with the past. I really used to act like that? Used to think like that? Not only do I not like myself now, I don't like who I was then either. So what do I fall back to now? I suppose in a way it's freeing because I can put it all behind me and start trying to be the person I want to be. But at the same time, it feels very strange and wasteful— this many years spent being someone I don't like?? I'm already scared of death, and the fact that I've spent this many years of my life unhappy with who I was freaks me out because I had one shot at childhood and I wasted it. One shot living as these ages and I didn't achieve anything to be proud of. A fraction of my life spent in ways I didn't want to spend it and I can never get that time back. Always the regrets. They come back again and again, along with the guilt.

How do I explain to people what goes on inside of my head?? I already have such a hard time describing things to my therapist. It's even worse for people I don't want to talk to about it.

I guess I don't really need to justify writing here, right? I mean I did create this thread. I still feel like it's necessary at times though— thinking I might try doing some thought dumps before I go to bed for the next few nights. There, there's the explanation. Can I go now? I don't know what that previous sentence is supposed to mean I thought it in my head and it felt wrong not to put it you know? Or maybe that sounds crazy. Idk. Everything feels wrong and I'm tired.

Idk what any of these next thoughts are gonna be I'll just try writing what pops into my head— Haha immediately mind goes blank. What fun! So capitalism huh? Never mind I already hate this ahah scratch that idea for now.

I look at pictures I have on my phone that have both me and a friend/friends in it but I don't recognize myself. I have no problem identifying the friends but I look at myself and think, that isn't me, is that me? Is that what my body looks like?? DO I have a body?? Sometimes I feel as though I'm more of an invisible cloud of sentience floating behind my head. I sort of have a vague picture in the back of my mind of what I look like. Turns out that's just what I wished I looked like because as soon as I look in the mirror and see myself I'm disappointed and sometimes confused. Oh so THATS what I look like? Yikes. Not nearly as good as the mental image I created of myself. I don't know what this is

I'm feeling so much yet at the same time nothing simultaneously. It sucks. Hate it when the bad thoughts come around. Why is it so hard to tell if it's me speaking inside my mind at times? Shut up that's not how you actually feel you've just picked that up from other people that you've seen in videos or in the media or that you know in person. How much of me is me? Why is it so much easier these days to fall asleep during the daytime than at night? Been taking naps lately and it's always a relief to just lie there and THINK yet at the same time not have to think at all and be resting, and yet at night my thoughts are much more painful to listen to.

Friend, Please by twenty one pilots

TW: Mention of SH

What a strange feeling it is to look in the mirror and be unable to comprehend who or what you are looking at. This is me? I have this body and I look like this? And if I have a body that means I exist? Wack bro. Such a powerful disconnection at times. It's hard to feel anything anymore. Today I was officially home alone for a few hours— normally even if both my parents leave my brother is in the house. I listened to music and sang as loud as I could. My throat hurt for a bit afterwards lol. I'm not really sure that it helped. TW: During I had pretty strong urge to cut myself, which was strange as I haven't had that in a long time. I scribbled on and tore up some paper instead. TW END It sucks to feel the need to isolate from friends. I miss them. I feel bad for not talking to them as much or for some people not at all. There's the guilt again. Always comes back. I think I've written about this before but I don't think there's a single thought I could have that isn't tainted in some way, from intrusive thoughts tied to it or feelings of guilt, regret, embarrassment, and shame. That's why when my parents used to tell me all the time when I wasn't able to fall asleep to just "pick a good thing to think about". And when I tried to explain that the good thing is tainted and ALWAYS spirals back to bad they accused me of being picky and close minded and rejecting their suggestions without even trying them. No, it's because I've tried it several times in the past and it didn't work. I am telling you it didn't work in case other ideas come to your mind when you know that this idea doesn't work for me. But nah I suppose I'm just too sensitive or whatever. I really wonder about the differences between the level of privacy between kids and parents compared to mine. It sucks having to hide some of my interests because of the likelihood that my parents would disapprove of it. Like yeah there's inappropriate stuff but I've come in contact with that so many times with kids at school and stuff. Plus if I do stumble across something inappropriate it's not as though I'm going to continue to watch it or whatever— I'll leave it alone and continue doing what I was previously doing. You think I want to see a bunch of the inappropriate stuff out there?? It's more material for my intrusive thoughts and I would like to avoid feeding into that thank you very much. The tiredness is heavy and weighs on me all the time. Really doesn't help with clarity and focus along with the disconnection. Actually I feel that it's been YEARS since I've felt clear-headed and alert. I can't even remember the last time I felt so. Of course the disconnect just makes my memories feel far off and fuzzy so that's certainly not helping things. I am so tired of this disconnect. What am I doing with my life?? Not much that's making me happy it seems. Imagine looking into the mirror and knowing exactly who you're seeing and loving them for who they are. Dreams have been strange lately. Even though I forget most of what happened a feeling still lingers with me for a good part of the morning. They feel strangely important, almost like a glimpse of myself in a parallel universe?? I'm not sure.

Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance

Didn't expect those words from you. Didn't realize that it would make me feel more hopeful about making successful changes in the future. So much has changed over the years. Between us and within ourselves. I regret the times I thought lowly of you when the distance was stretched so thin. I think I'm realizing now that I don't want to end this. And it actually means a lot to me that I get the feeling that you genuinely want to keep trying too.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too ready to accept medicines as a solution to problems. I mean, I don't ever feel uncomfortable increasing/changing medications as my psychiatrist suggests, though I know my parents worry about how many medicines I'm on and I know that there are people who use medicine as a last resort or avoid it completely, particularly for mental health. I wonder if I should be one of those people too, that maybe they have the right idea and I should do that too. But idk, the way I see it my psychiatrist is a proffessional, it was reccommended by my therapist that I get a psychiatrist and maybe try medication (and reccommended by my pediatrician that I get a therapist in the first place) and I trust my psychiatrist to know what she is talking about as a proffessional. She and my therapist also already know each other/are friends so that's a good thing too. Or maybe it's largely because of the environment I've grown up in. I'm already very used to taking medicines for various things and my asthma; plus I have to carry around medicine everywhere I go for serious food allergies. So maybe it's not wrong that I'm not as hesitant to take medicine as others are, its just because I've become used to it over the years. Idk. I guess I just worry that I'm subconsciously looking for a quick fix and that I need to do more of the work on my own.

We all want what we never had

A good life doesn't seem so bad

A good life doesn't seem so sad

Yeah we all want what we never had

The words fall out your mouth with ease
At least that's how it appears to me
I have no reason not to believe
That what you say is what you mean
I have no reason not to believe
But the voices of doubts keep calling me
I have no reason not to believe
And yet in my mind I just cannot see
How you
Could ever
Love
Me
Just doesn't make sense that you would be
Feeling this way for a person like me
Even after all of the things I've done
You still seem to like who I've become
I have a problem with my past
Who I was back then was frankly trash
And if I don't like me now then who am I?
It seems no matter how hard I try
I can never translate the things I am inside
To outward traits I don't have to hide
And as the days keep passing by
I find myself wishing that I could cry
To release this tension built up behind
My eyes, my heart, my chest, my mind
I find myself wishing that I could cry
And finally move on with my life
Oh finally move on with my life
And make
It
Mine
I thank you for your words so wise
Assuring me you never lied
Will remain right here at my side
Please know you've touched me deep inside
Helped me in ways I could never define
Well lately no matter how hard I try
There's something lurking inside my mind
That is unsure if I'm alive
Or with you in the same place and time
I don't feel real, I've lost control
Guess something cracked within my soul
Shattered, even, I just don't know
If I'll ever again feel like I'm home
Or truly feel the highs and lows
Awareness gone, the sharpness dulled
I'm stuck behind these walls so bold
Can't breach them no matter what I hold
I promise you that I'm still here
Underneath all the layers of numbness and fear
I hope to one day emerge from here
And know in my heart that when you say you love me
Me, with who I am inside on display
For all the universe to see
Oh, to know in my heart when you say you love me
I am a person
Worthy
Of
Your love

@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul @sunflower2480

Happy Thanksgiving everyone 🦃🍁 I'm so thankful to have met all of you and to have this safe space where we can sit with each other and share the good things too. I think many of us have mixed feelings about the holidays, but I hope whatever you do today you have a great day :)