Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
@mytwistedsoul @admaiorasemper
Thank you guys. Still felt bad all throughout yesterday but so far today I'm doing alright. :)
J, I did try grounding myself a little bit and it helped. Listening to music was also good.
V, it does resonate with me. There is a sort of powerlessness feeling that goes along with it.
@ThePizza Youre welcome M - I'm glad today is going better for you. It does make you feel weird all day sometimes - Idk - I guess because it causes anxiety. And that stuff is like glue sometimes - lol - imagine anxiety an a big piece of gum you stepped in. It's hard to scrape it off. I'm glad grounding helped alittle. Hopefully your sleep is less disturbed tonight and you get some rest
That was a good few hours. Hung out with three friends and watched a movie outdoors, quarantine style lol. Took my mind off things for a while. Im so lucky to have them
@NoneTheWiser
I know you've had issues recently with having a diary thread and I just wanted to let you know that you're always welcome to write here. 
I am such a manipulative btch
@ThePizza
Holding your hand, if you would like that. I can't find many words tonight, but I second every single one that Jess said.
@admaiorasemper
Thank you for your hand, it helped. I appreciate the words you did contribute all the same :)
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser @admaiorasemper
To J, Logan, K, A, Jess, Jada, Jael, Valeria, Linden, Primrose, and every single person within each of your systems (I apologize if I know your name and didnt write it):
You are always welcome on this thread. Im not sure whats going to happen with the aftermath of the new rules regarding the DID community here but I want you to know that this is a safe space for each and every one of you. Please write as much or as little as you like here. You all matter as individuals and I want to acknowledge that.
If this is overstepping anyones boundaries, please tell me. I just wanted to make it known that you are all welcome here
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser
A listener, sadleafycupsl, pm-ed me to thank me for my support. We talked a little bit about possible next steps in response to this whole situation-- I had the idea to create an organized, diplomatic forum post directed at the leaders of 7cups explaining the problems with the new protocol and asking that they communicate with us as they work on fixing this issue (because they should be working on a solution). I thought you guys might want to add your thoughts to this message, and spread the word to other supporters.
sadleafycupsl sent this message to a few other members:
Hello, I was wondering if you would like to send me some of your thoughts on the new DID protocol for one mass message/ forum post in which we hope to have others collaborate on as well. If you know anyone else who would like to contribute please have them pm me
@ThePizza This is a wonderful idea M! Safety and strength in numbers
For me - Idk - I don't really do chatrooms myself - for me it was the wording and them making it seem as though we all have to fit in the boxes they set aside for us. That they singled out the DID community. I mean I really do understand the need for safety when it comes to teens and littles. It's the fact that they've made it seem so unwelcoming. That it's added to feeling of shame for who I am - that they feel that we're too flawed and too out of control to be able to join in chats if we would decided to. The vagueness of their post - sort of leads alot of us to come to our own conclusions. The fact that it leads to feelings of being isolated by the wedsite and a desire to just pull back the rest of the way. The fact that noone has really replied about everyones concerns - makes it seem as though what we're saying is falling on deaf ears. That we - the minority simply do not matter - except when veiwed as numbers for the site. That we're disposible in terms of the greater good. The fact that they have caused people and their systems to be afraid of speaking up and out, afraid to reach out - to be afraid to go somewhere because of repercussions and consequences. They could have done an all inclusive post to everyone and just had notes tucked in here and there. Idk - maybe that's too confusing - lol
@ThePizza This is a wonderful idea M! Safety and strength in numbers
For me - Idk - I don't really do chatrooms myself - for me it was the wording and them making it seem as though we all have to fit in the boxes they set aside for us. That they singled out the DID community. I mean I really do understand the need for safety when it comes to teens and littles. It's the fact that they've made it seem so unwelcoming. That it's added to feeling of shame for who I am - that they feel that we're too flawed and too out of control to be able to join in chats if we would decided to. The vagueness of their post - sort of leads alot of us to come to our own conclusions. The fact that it leads to feelings of being isolated by the wedsite and a desire to just pull back the rest of the way. The fact that noone has really replied about everyones concerns - makes it seem as though what we're saying is falling on deaf ears. That we - the minority simply do not matter - except when veiwed as numbers for the site. That we're disposible in terms of the greater good. The fact that they have caused people and their systems to be afraid of speaking up and out, afraid to reach out - to be afraid to go somewhere because of repercussions and consequences. They could have done an all inclusive post to everyone and just had notes tucked in here and there. Idk - maybe that's too confusing - lol
@mytwistedsoul @ThePizza
Lol - sorry M - this might not be what you all had in mind and I didn't mean to make it so long lol
@mytwistedsoul
You're fine, your points are part of what the mass post is about :)
I think either way you have a right to be hurt and upset whether you use the chat rooms or not-- this protocol excludes systems on 7cups which is not acceptable. I agree that they are trying to do the right thing by increasing safety within the chat rooms, but excluding one group is not the way to do it. From reading other posts it also sounded like the staff of the Trauma and DID communities were not consulted before this protocol was created, and systems using this site certainly weren't. I cannot accept them taking away anyone's safe space. I know that there is so much harmful stigma surrounding DID, OSDD, and DDNOS, and 7cups should be a safe place for everyone who has these disorders too.
Lol I'm sure you already know all of that anway-- been writing about this a lot today so still kinda in the informative zone. You all matter and this protocol needs to be changed
Also no worries about it posting twice :)
Okay so...
I am having a really hard time right now. It is so so hard for me to do my schoolwork. So so hard for me to work hard during swimming. With the fatigue syndromes swimming is especially frustrating to me. I finally feel like I know my limits and know how to go fast during practice but I can't because my body is physically unwell. I feel so far away from the time standards I need to move up to the group I want to be in. I turned in an assignment that was for a major grade a day late. I haven't turned in or worked on an assignment that was due on Friday. I have a project due tonight that I pretty much haven't even started. This isn't like me at all. Even when I procrastinate I always pull it together the day before or the day of and manage to turn it in, even if I feel like I didn't do a good job. Anxiety is usually a big motivator for me to get things done, especially for school. But now it seems as though the medicine is kicking in a little and I don't have the anxiety levels I need for motivation anymore. I know that this is a good thing, because using extreme anxiety as motivation is not a good strategy, but I haven't learned any new strategies well enough yet to implement them and finish my work. So now even though I am anxious at the thought of not turning in my work on time, it still isn't enough for me to actually do it so I'm just... not. The past couple of days I've been thinking about the things I want to do with my life in the future and it is really hard for me to imagine doing the things I want to do with my mental state. And I really, really, REALLY do not want to live with the knowledge of all the things I wanted to do in my life but didn't do because of my mental health. I don't want anymore regrets. I already have too many of those. I don't want to fall behind in high school and not achieve the grades I KNOW I'm capable of because of my mental health. I don't want to be stuck anymore.
And so because of this the past couple days I've kind of been considering asking my therapist about doing some inpatient care. If that's what it's called anyway, I'm not really sure. I don't want my performance in school or swim to suffer any further than they have, and I don't want to get any worse. I just don't think I can continue anymore. I guess really I HAVEN'T been continuing by turning assignments in late. And I think/hope that an inpatient care facility is the right place for more concentrated help.
I'm not sure how long I would want to go, or how long I would need to go. Heck, I'm scared that I don't even qualify.
Gonna stop now. More I want to say but I'm uncertain now
I have a project due at 11:59 pm tonight for a class I really like but I still havent done pretty much any of it and Im basically going to bed now. I dont feel anything about it anymore. Its like Ive been removed from the situation. Logically I know I should be panicking and frantically working on it, but I just. Dont care anymore. It almost feels like I START to care but then the numbness shoves it down like no theres no need to be thinking about that right now. This isnt me. Im concerned but mostly just tired. I dont want to do school anymore. Not like this. I want to work on my work like any person who doesnt have procrastination issues would. Is that so much to ask? I feel like this is just petty complaining at this point and for that Im sorry
@mytwistedsoul @admaiorasemper @NoneTheWiser
Hope just posted an update about the protocol, thought I would let you know in case you havent seen it
@ThePizza Thank you M :)
I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for you right now with your school work and swimming. The lack of motivation and worrying about your future. All the outside uncertainties with this virus and how schooling is done right now probably doesn't help much. I allmost hate to ask but is there a class you could drop? Something that maybe would lighten your work load? Maybe talking with your guidance counselor would help or your therapist. I know sometimes it seems the more I try to do the farther I fall behind because I can't seem to settle. There's too many thoughts of what else needs to be done - which makes it harder to relax - because Holy cow! Who has time for that?
It's not petty complaining - it's important to you and your future. I'm really glad that you wrote about it - better out then in yeah? Try for the moment to be patient with yourself - I know - thats hard too. Just - Idk - maybe right now you're putting too much pressure on yourself - and it's causing you like a mental block when it comes to your work
Be gentle with yourself M and your thoughts