Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
No replies please
Black shirt, black athletic shorts. Ponytail hair. No glasses. Duck socks, tennis shoes. Phone, in pocket the whole time. Flashlight, in pocket whole time. No need. Step into the night. I am a hunter. I walk head high, shoulders back. The night is warm, my pace steady. Stop only to look up at the night sky, filled with clouds, dotted with a few stars here and there. Riding this high. I walk the night. Once thought to be in control of the shadows but it is the mind I bend. Only they know that I am wright. No longer do I cower. I have conquered the dark.
I see post and panic in my future but right now I feel good. Riding the high
Holy hell the driver's ed class is over-- we have to get a 70 on the final exam to pass and I got a 71 lol
That was an incredibly stressful week. So many assignments packed into each day, and we weren't even able to cover everything on the exam because we didn't have enough time. Makes me wonder why they don't just extend the class to be more than one week so we're not as rushed
But hey I passed the final thank goodness so now I get to wait at least three months for the driving part of the class. And school starts on Monday ahhh but honestly it can't be as bad as this week was in the beginning so I'm mostly fine with it
@ThePizza Congratulations M ! For some odd reason there's a song going through my head about alittle old lady from Pasadena - go figure lol. You're not alittle old lady from Pasadena - so I'll find something more suitable lol!
I'm sorry to for not replying very often. Tbh - I've been just avoiding people - I'd avoid myself but its been alittle challenging to get away - what with this stupid virus and all
So you been looking at cars? :)
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you! I m definitely short so I guess I am little at least, lol! Little young pizza driving a duckmobile, perhaps? 🙃
I totally get it J, no worries— I think maybe sometimes we avoid people because we cant avoid ourselves, and then our selves tell us we should avoid others because we are bad for them— does that makes sense? Though of course there are times where avoiding people is just a necessity because– well people— there are some buttholes out there lol. (Why is it so funny to use butthole instead of the curse? Is that just me?) Ive been there too. Take your time, just know that I really do enjoy seeing you around and talking :) But I understand that it can be so so hard to do that at times. Things definitely have been weird with the virus; I agree, its certainly not helping things.
Nothing super serious yet but I have looked at a few cars 🚙 Or… I could get a smallish car and paint it like a rubber duck… just an idea… Slugbug? Nope! Its the duckmobile! Driven by a ninja pizza that plays the floor is lava around a campfire during spare time ;)
@ThePizza 
@mytwistedsoul
It
@ThePizza LOL! They could have done alittle better with the paint job 😁
I wonder if they used Gorilla Glue to keep them from flying off - wouldn't take long to find it in a parking lot that's for sure
Poison in my veins
The traps within the memories. Forming connections between the distressing and the fond remembering. Nothing is safe. So many things I hate about the past. I wish I could change.
But still it's all mild in comparison--- I'm an intruder here. Nosy. Forcing my way in. I'm sorry.
I am not okay. It is so hard to muster up the energy to do things. I am unable to think, many times a day I draw a blank and stare at a wall, completely zoned out. I
@ThePizza Hey M - I'm sorry you're not ok - it's ok to not be ok :) It sucks of course. Do you think that the way things are with school are what's contributing to the depression? Just - you know - the way things are now. I know alot of people figured this virus thing would be over by now - myself included. I know depression steals your motivation - and makes you think why bother
Be gentle with yourself M and your thoughts
Found a new music artist called NF. Really liking the music
Songs Ive listened to so far:
Why
Leave Me Alone
Therapy Session
The Search
Paid My Dues
I Miss The Days
Hate Myself
Mansion
Change
My Stress
Maybe some more that I cant remember at the moment. Oh also before I found NF I was listening to The Black Parade album by MCR on repeat.
I have a project due tonight for a major grade and Im not finished with it. I tried so hard to work on that stupid thing but got to a point where I just didnt care anymore. This is a really weird feeling, knowing Im going to turn something in for a major grade late and yet almost not giving a damn. Yeah I procrastinate but I always turn stuff in on time. Idk why Im not freaking out right now. It feels weird. Also now Im behind on all my work for other classes. Way to go me. Ugh. My swim practices are 8:00-0:30 pm now, which sucks. Definitely been consciously hating myself a lot lately. We upped the medicine again since nothing is happening so hopefully it finally starts to help. Im tired and the thought of having to drag myself through so many more years of school makes me feel sick. Why do I have to spend my youth going to school when it destroys my mental health?? Its a waste. I hate school but dont hate learning. I just wish school hadnt taken away my passion for some things. Im tired. In a pretty bad place right now.I dont know what to do. Wanted to say something else but I forgot what it was
I often have dreams that are unsettling, weird, or even scary. Lately I've had a few dreams about people around me getting possessed. I think possession freaks me out because you're all alone, there isn't anyone else with you to help fight off things or whatever it is you're doing. And, the people you thought you could trust aren't there.
Sometimes I wake up from a dream and feel weird for a little bit because I have process it I guess. Well last night one of my dreams was unsettling in a new way. Idk but it really freaked me out even though the ending was good? Hard to explain and I don't really want to describe it. But I feel sick and kinda wrong right now. Nauseous and anxious.
@ThePizza Hey M :) That does sound scary. I think sometimes the weird feeling - I think it comes from waking suddenly. The disorientation of waking. Like you're awake but part of you is still reeling from the dream. Like a sudden change of scenery. Sometimes the after effects seem to last forever. I'm sorry you don't feel too good right now :( have you tried to ground yourself or maybe go for alittle walk? It might help with the anxiety and nausea - since the two go together alot
You've been in my thoughts - be gentle with yourself
@ThePizza
I'm sorry about those dreams :( Dreaming about people getting possessed does feel like something very unsettling. I would be terrified at the lack of control, at the inability of doing anything to make it stop. I wonder if this resonates with you too.
Sending you a hug if that's ok, I hope the anxiety and nausea will leave you soon...