Scattered Thoughts

@Tazzie

Hey, can you please move this thread to the diaries section in the General Support forum, and maybe change the title? Thank you

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Too bad I'm not anti-crastination

I think I might have figured out why it is so hard for me to use the strategies I've learned in therapy and why I keep going back to negative self-talk and maladaptive thinking patterns. I think it's because I don't have a concrete goal as to why I should get better. I want to get better but at the same time I also don't? I hate that I feel this way but the fact is that sometimes I am glad to have anxiety and depression, because I feel special or something? Or like it justifies why I am the way I am? Idk. I really hate that I feel that way. I really really hate it (I really really hate myself). But maybe having a goal will help me to remind myself of the strategies I've been told to use, and I'll start making more of an effort to get better. So-- I'm not sure what my goal would be? I would say to be content with myself or to love myself but then my brain says that I deserve to hate myself because I'm disgusting. So idk. I guess I'll have to think more about what my goal will be and I'll update that here later.

Anyone else really frustrated thinking that they are gong to make some big change and change in thier life but each day goes by and you end up just the same?

I don't think I handle bittersweet moments/partings/goodbyes very well

Upping the medication a little. A tiny part of me is concerned that maybe my psychiatrist doesn't know I have depression in addition to the anxiety (that worry is unrelated to the medication increase though). Idk

About a year ago I went through the stuff in my room and took out a lot of clothes and items to be donated or thrown away. It was kinda hard because I feel guilty getting rid of things, or I want to keep it even if I know I haven't used it in a very long time. Or things that have been given to me, usually by family but sometimes friends, that I don't want or use. I feel bad for getting rid of it because it was a gift even though I know it doesn't really make sense to keep it. Also I have a lot of duck stuff and for example a few years ago my friend and I were beanie babies for Halloween. I bought a duck costume and I feel bad for getting rid of it because it's a cute duck, but it's just been sitting in my closet this whole time and I don't really have a practical use for it. My mom is going through all that stuff now and sorting it out into bags to donate or putting it in the trash, and she keeps asking if I'm sure I want to get rid of something. I can't look at that stuff because then I second-guess and feel bad about getting rid of things and now I just feel bad in general lol

Link

@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser @Hyacinth22

Thank you so much! Lol I hope you liked the taste