Scattered Thoughts

Why?

Dam it I loathe myself

haha wheres the dam snack bar?

Pediatrician

—-> Suggests a counselor (therapist)

Counselor (therapist)

—-> Suggests a psychiatrist, neurologist visit

{Counselor (therapist) goes on maternity leave, move to new counselor (therapist)}

Optometry

{Neurologists recommend trying an opthomologist first}

Opthomologist

—-> Puts out the option of seeing neurologist

Psychiatrist

Neurologist

—-> Asks pediatrician for different lab tests

{Switches back to first counselor (therapist)}

Pediatrician

—-> Draws blood, test results came back today (Friday) but everything looks normal

—-> Suggests cardiologist

I am so tired

I did almost nothing today. Actually sat in bed for long periods of time. Definitely a bad day. Could not stop thinking about wasted potential, squandered opportunities, regrets, guilt. So much of that. Got disappointing news today. It wasnt what I wanted but it is what I expected. And though I expected it, it still hurts. Other people unknowingly make it worse. Theyre better but dont want to be. I dont understand.

Why cant I be good at one single thing? Literally everything is tainted

@NoneTheWiser

I enjoyed singing last year and I wanted to share my voice again or maybe even some artwork, but I

I dont know what to do about swimming

Im not sure how I feel about swimming anymore and I dont know if I should quit. I dont understand my feelings towards the sport. Most of the time practice is incredibly mentally exhausting for me. I almost always feel upset with myself afterwards. But my closest friends are there, so I dont want to give them up. And sometimes I do enjoy the challenges of practice, or just the feel of the water around me. Ive been swimming for about eight years. I know so many people, either by sight or just people I used to be friends with— but then they got faster than me. I watched as they moved up to different groups, got cuts and standards and improved their times, tech suits and finals and speed. Some of them had been swimming for about as long as I had. Some of them had been swimming even longer; many of the people in the latter category had older siblings in the sport, and for some families it seemed like there was a lot of genetic natural talent. Some kids arrived not long after I did, both to our team and the sport itself. I watched as kids joined long after me, had a first few practices and inevitably became faster than me, even though some had only just started to swim competitively. I stagnated. When I was pretty young Id apparently had two asthma episodes bad enough to go to the hospital. I only vaguely remember one. Other than that my asthma had always been pretty light and controlled. Suddenly it was affecting me though, made it harder to swim. Sometimes I couldnt swim and I had to get out and use an inhaler. Sometimes I got out maybe before I really needed it because I was tired or didnt want to do whichever set we were on. I didnt go to Saturday practices simply because they were in the morning. Last Friday we got our new group assignments. I did not get moved to the group I wanted, but I did get moved to the group I expected. Im staying in my current group for the summer and then moving up around August. I went to practice on Monday. There were a lot of new kids. I did terrible. So tired. Head feeling weird. But they were all faster than me. At least the ones I was leaving at the same time as were but thats the truth. I could feel the disappointment radiating off of my coach. Even if he didnt actually feel that way— my brain says he did, and made me feel it. I have not gone this week since, and I dont think Im going to. Every day I dont go is another day of disappointment and guilt but I cant stand the thought of going either. Theres more but Im running out of steam. These are parts of the things that have been weighing on me for so long but Ive never been able to accurately or even adequately articulate them. I still dont think I expressed them the right way now.

Im switching to a different medication because the first wasnt really working the way it was supposed to I think.

A lot of the time for a while now Im usually pretty unmotivated to go to practice, but even on the especially motivation-lacking days I still mostly manage to go because of guilt over the thought of not going. This week however I only went once. It only occurred to me today that maybe this extra depression (thats what it feels like, a stronger depression than normal) is a side affect. I could be wrong as I dont think increased depression is one of the side affects in particular but I feel like that is a general side affect for medication for many different mental illnesses.

It always seems kinda stupid when the initial problem is a side affect of the medicine trying to solve the problem, you know? It even happens with medicines for things like migraines or milder afflictions. Like huh?? Lol

@ThePizza Hey M - I'm gonna roll this all into one - hope thats ok

I honestly can't imagine how hard of a decision this must be for you. Because - well - you have been a swimmer for along time. Eight years is a pretty long time! What if you were to just set it aside for right now? Not really say yes or no - is that a possibility? I'm sure it's only adding to the depression having that hanging over your head but at the same time - with being depressed - I know sometimes - it's like everything is moving in slow motion and it just weighs everything down. So that could be affecting your times and I know it definitely affects the motivation. Maybe after the meds are switched and hopefully working better for you - it could be something to consider doing again. Allthough it must be kind of scary with the asthma. But - It would give you time to focus on helping yourself get better without the obligation and commitment. And the concerns of disappointing your teammates and coach. Depression is a very draining thing - like your own personal dementor - sucking the life and joy out of everything.

Maybe you could use the time to see if something else might strike your interest - no pressure to try anything though - of course. Maybe the writing you were doing? Or something like photography? Idk - maybe it sounds wrong but - just because you were a swimmer for so long - that doesn't mean you have to be a swimmer - it doesn't take away from who you are - I still think you're awesome :)

Meds and side effects - LOL! Oh man aren't they awesome? I like the ones - like with the depression meds - that have depression as a side effect - seriously? So - why am I taking something to help me feel worse? I mean why can't we have side effects like gold nuggets out your nose or bubbles out your butt - because those would be funny at least - come on - you know it would be ;)

Be gentle with yourself M and your thoughts

@ThePizza Hey M - How are you?

Youve been in my thoughts

why are my friends constantly so selfish