Scattered Thoughts

Ha page 11 whOOO

Too much to avoid

Why be an insomniac when you could be an insadmiac?? Heh heh

i need sleep

Its been a decade.

My lover died. He died. No matter what I could do or try or pray or intend or plan, nothing ammounted to any measure of stopping it.
It seemed inevitable, almost planned. The loss devestated me.

He was beautiful to me. From his cheerful glances, to his joyful smiles; the way he danced, to the way he sang.
Everything about him and everything he did was beautiful to me. He lifted me up. He was like a light to me.

And then he died. He was taken from me, and I felt broken. I was broken. It broke me.

But I was a believer. I tried to search. Desparately to search, for any sign that I could see him again, to
touch him again, to hear his voice that I was slowly forgetting, to see his face that was slowly fading from my memories.

I searched. I read everything. Anything. Anything I could find. I needed to know. I was driven.
I needed to know if I could bargain for him, if I could pray for his return, if I could buy him back, purchase just a
little more time. Just a few seconds to hold his hand; a few minutes to say goodbye. I wanted to know, whether in this world
or the next if I could regain even an iota of the lifetime spent by his side that was stolen from us. I found nothing.

Maybe if there was some magic, some miracle, some spell, some trade, some ancient tome. A genie's wish, a monkey paw, a deal
with the devil. Anything was on the table. Anything for him. My life for him; my soul for him; the world for him.

But there was nothing. The more I looked, more possibilities were crossed off the list, and the more my heart crumbled.
There were no magic lamps. There was no ghost or revenant of him to haunt me. There were no devils to make deals with;
no demons to sell my soul to. No angels heard my pleas nor prayers. No God nor gods answered me. There was no way to trade places
so that he could live instead of me. There were no garauntees that there was a next life nor if there was I'd ever see his
face again.

I was alone, and he was gone. There is no magic in this world. There never was. There is nothing but frightened men telling
fairy tails and holding up to me empty promisses.

I dream of him sometimes. I'd awaken and he'd be there; just sitting there out of reach. He'd turn and smile that beautiful smile
like he'd never left. He'd tell me to get up and follow him; that there was so much to do and he was so excited for a new day.
I'd reach out to him, I'd call his name.

Then I'd wake up. He now only haunts me as a beautiful ghost in my dreams. A dream thats only a nightmare because it ends.

Even when I try to let go, when I resolve to move on, when I try to ignore it, when I desperately try to forget, he sometimes comes to my
dreams. He sings and hums his beautiful songs, wearing that beautiful smile. But I never get to see him fully. He's never
fully there. Its like a strong implication. A strong feeling, like a memory just out of reach. You know it, you can feel it, its
just so familiar that you could never forget and at the same time its blurred an you can't get a clear picture to satisfy.

I can never speak in these dreams, I can never rise up. Its like I've been tied down and all I can do is reach out. The tears blot
out my voice, the weeping so hard that the words just never come out. I cry out for him to stay, not leave, to just wait a moment.
It is like hes a hologram, a recorded message playing. Its like he sees me there but can't hear my screams and can't see my tears.

He does not fade as i wake. I blink, hes gone. Like magic. Like a magician's card trick, a spark of flash paper and he vanishes
in an instant. I am left alone with my tears. The horror; the dawning realisation all over again that hes gone and never coming back.

Shepherd was my light, and now I'm alone in this darkness.

My mom tends to be accusatory toward me and it makes me want to lash out. Tonight was one of those ocassions. It was enough to push me over the edge of an anxiety attack. I asked her for an apology (making the mistake of not calming down first) and, like always, my mom handled my distress in an irritated and dismissive manner. It really hurts my feelings and it makes me feel like I have nobody.

Wellbutrin, horrid medication for people with some kind of underlying heart complication. My breathing feels better now. Just because it was purple or something.. people thought I needed this. I don't even understand what a chest x ray would do. >_<

Things were going well for a few days, they even had me tricked into thinking that maybe, just maybe things were getting better. I was able to laugh, paint, and bike. Then it ended. We're back to sadness and lethargy, to sitting on the floor in my room for hours, and overthinking every thought without even thinking at all. I want to get better. I feel lost.

Isolation has been a problem lately. Normally if I feel the need to isolate, I dont talk here and I might withdraw a little from people offline. Now I havent talked to some friends in a while. I have one friend I talk to every day, except the past two days Ive barely said anything. Also we had started to get in the habit of FaceTiming and I havent done that the past two days either… Im not feeling too good about that. Hopefully she doesnt think Im mad at her or anything.

Exercise has definitely been an issue— I dont have practice right now because of the virus and its really hard to get motivated to do it on my own. Also Im not part of an active family. Im definitely the fittest of us four. I did run a mile and rode my bike a bit today though. Glad I did it on a Sunday because now Ive started at the beginning of the week, and I dont know it just kinda helps me to stay motivated and on top of doing it each day. My plan is to run a mile every day, and record my times for fun. I added about thirty seconds to my best but thats to be expected. I had been worried about overeating— with practice and all I need a lot of food, but without that exercise now Id not be burning it off like I normally do. Anyway the reason I had been worried and not I am worried is because Ive been less hungry, so Ive automatically eaten less. I mean I still need to work on eating the right food and timing it right (keep missing a meal because I dont wake up til late) but its a start.

So productivity wise this past week was not good. Slacked off on schoolwork. Actually I dont have schoolwork, my county isnt giving us any new work until April 13th so for now we just have to do review on our own. Im planning on being more productive this week, and starting my daily mile and actually getting my weekend chores done will help. I think once Ive started routines its a little easier for me to start and maintain other routines. Oh wow would you look at that? Ive written a few small paragraphs. Not bad considering the fact that I almost left it with the beginning sentence. But anyway.

Counseling will now be online, through this Zoom thing that apparently a lot of people are using. Id never heard of it before this and I dont know at all the process or how it works so well see when I have my appointment on Tuesday. Im annoyed/nervous about having an appointment at home because of the decrease in privacy. My parents did promise they wouldnt be listening, they would be downstairs while I did it in my room, yadda yadda yadda. I mean yeah itll be probably fine but I still worry and anyway my bedroom is still next to the stairs so sound drifts both ways. Well see.

Some things generally on my mind that I have to think about and make decisions with that are bothering me and/or stressing me out:

• Friends/lack of contact with friends/guilt/eMoTiOns

• Swim (aghhh) So many problems…

• Health (actually not too worried about the virus even though Im higher risk because asthma, just health as in eating and sleeping. Yeah those two things are not going great for me. Hygienes been… okay. Im not always on top of it effectively enough though)

• School (lots of areas of concern here)

• Lack of motivation and general depressed, bleh feeling

• Why do I have so much stuff its all a liability ahhh need to clean and get rid of things (emotional attachments though which leads to unnecessary guilt and ugh)

• Yeah so empath? Pretty sure I am one and. Its very frustrating (for my own peace of mind: Yes that punctuation was intentional and its not a typo)

• Probably a lot of other stuff wheee. (Oh yeah such as wanting to do art things and yeah wow 10/10 explanation there woot.)

It would be nice to have a bulletpoint list option at the top. Oh yeah, and a FEED (yes Im still bothered by that— sigh)

This is kinda random (what about this post isnt? Okay a lot of things yes, shut up brain why must we be so particular) but one thing my old (original) counselor (therapist? Whats the difference?) and I worked on was shoulds. Basically shoulds are judgements in disguise and I should try not to use them— this… is a bad sign Ive already forgotten why theyre so bad. I know its something to do with negative self talk or something? This is probably why she told me to bring a notebook and take notes at all my meetings now. Much needed. Yeah so I lost steam and didnt fully go to where this was originally going

Also with the counselors we havent done much about my depression? Not that I talk about it but were always doing anxiety related stuff and it would be nice to work on depression too. Then again as of now I still dont feel comfortable just talking about those feelings, so I guess Im stuck for the time being.

I guess when Im not around my good friends I become the regular chatter box huh? I was talking a lot todat to my family too, about random dumb stuff. Okay not dumb stuff just stuff I dont like talking about to family because talking too much to them makes me feel vulnerable and weird inside. I dont like it. Thats probably not healthy but you know what? Screw it it is what it is and anyway I have my good friends to talk about my mundane things to so wHaT dOeS iT mAtTeR?! Ahaha… yikes

Isolation has been a problem lately. Normally if I feel the need to isolate, I dont talk here and I might withdraw a little from people offline. Now I havent talked to some friends in a while. I have one friend I talk to every day, except the past two days Ive barely said anything. Also we had started to get in the habit of FaceTiming and I havent done that the past two days either… Im not feeling too good about that. Hopefully she doesnt think Im mad at her or anything.

Exercise has definitely been an issue— I dont have practice right now because of the virus and its really hard to get motivated to do it on my own. Also Im not part of an active family. Im definitely the fittest of us four. I did run a mile and rode my bike a bit today though. Glad I did it on a Sunday because now Ive started at the beginning of the week, and I dont know it just kinda helps me to stay motivated and on top of doing it each day. My plan is to run a mile every day, and record my times for fun. I added about thirty seconds to my best but thats to be expected. I had been worried about overeating— with practice and all I need a lot of food, but without that exercise now Id not be burning it off like I normally do. Anyway the reason I had been worried and not I am worried is because Ive been less hungry, so Ive automatically eaten less. I mean I still need to work on eating the right food and timing it right (keep missing a meal because I dont wake up til late) but its a start.

So productivity wise this past week was not good. Slacked off on schoolwork. Actually I dont have schoolwork, my county isnt giving us any new work until April 13th so for now we just have to do review on our own. Im planning on being more productive this week, and starting my daily mile and actually getting my weekend chores done will help. I think once Ive started routines its a little easier for me to start and maintain other routines. Oh wow would you look at that? Ive written a few small paragraphs. Not bad considering the fact that I almost left it with the beginning sentence. But anyway.

Counseling will now be online, through this Zoom thing that apparently a lot of people are using. Id never heard of it before this and I dont know at all the process or how it works so well see when I have my appointment on Tuesday. Im annoyed/nervous about having an appointment at home because of the decrease in privacy. My parents did promise they wouldnt be listening, they would be downstairs while I did it in my room, yadda yadda yadda. I mean yeah itll be probably fine but I still worry and anyway my bedroom is still next to the stairs so sound drifts both ways. Well see.

Some things generally on my mind that I have to think about and make decisions with that are bothering me and/or stressing me out:

• Friends/lack of contact with friends/guilt/eMoTiOns

• Swim (aghhh) So many problems…

• Health (actually not too worried about the virus even though Im higher risk because asthma, just health as in eating and sleeping. Yeah those two things are not going great for me. Hygienes been… okay. Im not always on top of it effectively enough though)

• School (lots of areas of concern here)

• Lack of motivation and general depressed, bleh feeling

• Why do I have so much stuff its all a liability ahhh need to clean and get rid of things (emotional attachments though which leads to unnecessary guilt and ugh)

• Yeah so empath? Pretty sure I am one and. Its very frustrating (for my own peace of mind: Yes that punctuation was intentional and its not a typo)

• Probably a lot of other stuff wheee. (Oh yeah such as wanting to do art things and yeah wow 10/10 explanation there woot.)

It would be nice to have a bulletpoint list option at the top. Oh yeah, and a FEED (yes Im still bothered by that— sigh)

This is kinda random (what about this post isnt? Okay a lot of things yes, shut up brain why must we be so particular) but one thing my old (original) counselor (therapist? Whats the difference?) and I worked on was shoulds. Basically shoulds are judgements in disguise and I should try not to use them— this… is a bad sign Ive already forgotten why theyre so bad. I know its something to do with negative self talk or something? This is probably why she told me to bring a notebook and take notes at all my meetings now. Much needed. Yeah so I lost steam and didnt fully go to where this was originally going

Also with the counselors we havent done much about my depression? Not that I talk about it but were always doing anxiety related stuff and it would be nice to work on depression too. Then again as of now I still dont feel comfortable just talking about those feelings, so I guess Im stuck for the time being.

I guess when Im not around my good friends I become the regular chatter box huh? I was talking a lot today to my family too, about random dumb stuff. Okay not dumb stuff just stuff I dont like talking about to family because talking too much to them makes me feel vulnerable and weird inside. I dont like it. Thats probably not healthy but you know what? Screw it it is what it is and anyway I have my good friends to talk about my mundane things to so wHaT dOeS iT mAtTeR?! Ahaha… yikes

Im tired of myself