Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
Almost sh. Then didnt. Took a pause
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser
Because of all you I feel seen. In a good way somehow. Thank you.
@ThePizza You deserve to be seen and heard M - you've been struggling with things too. Tbh - I couldn't imagine having to deal with all the things you do. I admire you for all that - ya know? To be dealing with depression yet still have to do everything you do - it says alot about you. I think you're doing a great job and I hope you allow yourself a moment of pride .
Be gentle with yourself M and your thoughts
Same old same old— distract and avoid to dull the pain that comes from uncertainty
@ThePizza
It's hard feeling so uncertain and unsure about things isn't it? Having to distract ourselves from the pain of it all. I think you've been doing a wonderful job with writing your thoughts and feelings in here and your depth of understanding things amazes me.
I am glad to know you.
*L*
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much, L. Reassurance means everything sometimes--- even something I know to be true, I can be convinced is false by demons. I'm glad I have a depth of understanding things at all, lol! Oftentimes I feel like I'm floundering around in the dark, and have no clue what I'm doing. Understanding pain does come easy to me for some reason. I'm-- well, every now and then I find myself thinking about how lucky I was to end up here-- though the luck that may have brought me here was bad-- because I've gotten to meet some great people here. I am so glad to know you too, L. It definitely helps to have a place to write about things-- offline it's extremely hard to do so.
(I just had to read a lot of Shakespeare for an English assignment and I've gotten sucked into the flow of that, which is why this is all probably weirdly worded)
@ThePizza
You are right about the reassurance. Sometimes I think everyone needs it. We could be holding the truth of ourselves in our hands and our demons (depression and/or anxiety) can completely convince us that what we hold is nothing more than a lie. A falseness of ourselves, an illusion.
I think that floundering in the dark has a tendency to help us understand better sometimes, not always of course, but it does help us understand the darkness others are lost in.
Thats the funny thing about luck I suppose. How our bad luck can inevitably lead us to good luck. There are some truly wonderful people here and some not so wonderful, perhaps misguided people. I suppose we have to learn to take the good with the bad.
The nice thing about writing here is the fact that only we know that its us. Theres no fear of someone close to us reading something that they shouldnt. Which is a greater risk with a physical diary or journal. The anonymity of the site actually allows us more freedom to be more open and honest, because we dont feel the need to mask what were going through out of fear of someone elses feelings. We dont need to justify ourselves here.
Shakespeare huh? Did you enjoy it or not?
@mytwistedsoul
I agree, that everyone needs reassurance at some point for something. Sometimes the demons twist even that though--- using "evidence" as a reassurance that their version of us is the truth-- the real version, or at least the version everyone else sees. And whether they mean to or not, people sometimes make an offhand comment or joke around about something that hits a little too close to home. It's often so hard to find that balance-- which evidence will I look at today? Yes, luck is very funny indeed.
I also appreciate the anonymity of this place-- it really does give a sort of freedom. Yes, I still feel a certain embarrassment when I feel I've said something wrong, and the usual anxiety of forgetting to cover my bases and someone getting hurt because I didn't choose my words carefully. But I am much, much more open and honest here than anywhere else. It's sort of funny--- unlike a physical journal, here multiple people can see things at once and whenever they can find it--- and yet it's still very private. Probably since we're not interacting with these people offline-- the screens offer us protection.
Shakespeare sort of impresses me--- I can't imagine how frustrating it would have been at times to maintain the rhythm and rhyme throught entire plays. Lots of editing and revision, I bet. We're reading Romeo and Juliet, which I don't mind too much except for the underlying obscenity. (And this is kinda stupid, but I'm not really used to... reading a story and not understanding it right away. Idk I've always read at an advanced level so it's a new experience for me.)
@ThePizza It would be hard to write a play like he did. I think alot of it might be just the way the times where back then. You figure his plays were like the earliest of movies. I don't think it's stupid to not understand what you're reading right away - especially when it comes to Shakespeare. His stuff has probably confused alot of people. Especially when it comes to the obscenity part. They way they talked about things back then - kind of makes it hard to follow and understand.
I'm - well - you know - the same way. Worrying that maybe I said something the wrong way or maybe said something I shouldn't have. It's hard.
There are people who do make those off hand comments and Idk if they do it because they think it's funny or if maybe they do it sometimes because they don't understand. Either way it does hurt and it gets tiring to try and explain. Those explanations take alot of energy some days. Energy we don't have to waste trying to make people see our side.
Be gentle with yourself M and your thoughts
@ThePizza Speaking of reading - lol - I forgot to tell you - just started The Mark of Athena
Really enjoying these books M - thank you so much for suggesting them!
Soundtrack of the evening:
Popular Monster by Falling In Reverse
Killer In The Mirror by Set It Off
Duality by Set It Off
Why Worry by Set It Off
Hypnotized by Set It Off
Emperors New Clothes by Panic! At The Disco
My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up) by Fall Out Boy
@ThePizza Awesome song list here M!
This lyric in particular really hit home-- I can hardly stand myself, so what am I to you
Inner voice has been particularly loud lately--- every little thing, every second of the day--- not one stone left unturned, not one detail isn't deeply analyzed and stored away to later be used against me.
Words are crowding on the edge of the clift but haven't leapt down to my fingers yet
TW Below
(Always in the back of my mind--- little red lines that want to be drawn. Would it even help? I don't know. General message is that it wouldn't so for now I keep the pens away.)
Trigger Warning I think
Dinner. Peace and quiet. Homework. Confusion, frustration, exasperation--- about the homework, though, and not between the two people. That's good. Well, disagreement with the other person's views but it's okay.
Two others arrive. One annoys just to annoy--- sibling teasing. The other one---
The other one. Seems pleasant enough, but starts to talk about the news. Why do they talk so LOUD? Instead of words gently falling out, they are spit out, stacked roughly. Not angry with any of us other three, but with topics concerning the news. To be fair, there is a reason to be upset. But do the words have to have such a physical loudness, harshness to them? I'm on edge, can't concentrate. Too loud, the words carry too much venom, and it hits me even though it's not directed at me. Even the sounds of other actions being done--- drawer yanked open instead of pulled, recyclable box ripped apart instead of calmly flattened, everything carries the aggression. Stop. Too much. I go upstairs, hoping I'll be able to find concentration away from the noise. Room is right next to the stairwell--- can still hear every goddamn word. Please, I want to scream, shut up!! Speak about it calmly, or stop your words from being so intense!
(Don't write that--- you're portraying them in a bad light. You're not giving all the details, all the facts. People will agree with you because they don't have all the facts, just your opinion of which details are important. Give them ALL the details so they can decide for themselves-- maybe they'll still side with you. You'll know it's real if they side with you.)
Stop making this a bigger deal than it is.
Me to me: Oh we'll be talking about this later.
Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea by Fall Out Boy
@ThePizza
@ThePizza My apologies for that Pizza. My fingers seem to have a mind of their own this evening.
I just wanted to say that they always seem to have the most interesting titles for their songs, don't they?
A regular day today of feeling down, but although there was alot of... upsetting drama today that resulted in unfortunate circumstances, there were some really, really good parts of the day too. I want to remember these sections.
@ThePizza if this is the wrong place to say this feel free to delete. I just saw "dumping grounds" and thought what better place to do it than this thread?