Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
Feels like there's too much going on in my head--- too many thoughts, too much to keep track of. Too many feelings, judgements, reprimands. Not enough space in here for everything.
I'm so tired. This routine has become sickening for me. When will it end?
More later
TW
Have an hour until Im supposed to wake up for school— Ive already been up for an hour and cannot get back to sleep. Spent the entire time in mental anguish. Im not having a good time lol. To much to stress and worry about, too many things I hate about myself, too many people to yell at myself for judging. Too many weird fights with parents that make me question whether Im being gaslighted or not. Too much to feel guilty about. To much thinking in general. Definitely want to talk to my friends about it but a) theyre asleep, b) I dont want to bother them if/when they have their own sht to deal with, c) whenever I do manage to break that doubt and reach out a tiny bit, flash the smallest corner of my soul, they dont seem to understand how far gone I am or how serious it is, and its just brushed off. Wont even get to see my close friends today anyway. SH has been a thought.
The pressure is mounting
@ThePizza Hey M - Sitting with you.
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now. I understand how hard it is to reach out to people - especially when we know that others are going through things too. Idk - in many ways it's often those people who can understand us best. I worry about the same thing too - all the time. KInd like you worry about adding to other people problems. I do understand how serious it is. Idk - forgive me for saying this - if I'm over stepping - but I sometimes think people look at age as a factor - ya know? Like - oh you're too young to have problems or the oh how can it be so bad at your age. Suffering is suffering no matter the age - yeah? Sometimes the younger you are the hardr it is. You have pressure coming at you from all sides and expectations. School work - outside activities and I know you've said about college. God - your whole future is right in front of you - that's scary.
It's good you're writting this stuff out here - sharing it with us all. Flashing those corners of your soul. It's still a beautiful soul M. Idk - this probably isn't too helpful. Just - we do hear you - you aren't alone. I understand the SH thoughts. LEt's take a pause and a deep breath - yeah?
@mytwistedsoul
Took a pause--- thank you
That sort of thing has been said to me before, about how I'm young and carefree or whatever--- mostly in a joking way, but it is still a bit hurtful. Suffering is suffering no matter the age, so true--- the hard part is convincing myself that I have a... right to suffer, I guess. Idk. (No boundaries overstepped)
Ha, it is scary--- good to know someone else recognizes it like that. When most people talk about your whole future being ahead of you I get the whole starry-eyed, aren't-you-so-lucky-you-can-do-anything feeling. I find it scary myself, perhaps even a little intimidating.
To be told I've been heard? Incredibly helpful. I think that's something I've struggled with a lot lately---- feeling heard. Which I hate since it's also kinda "expected" that you'll feel that way as a teenager. And when people find out you feel exactly the way they expected you to, they brush it off and chalk it up as you just fitting the stereotype. And I hate that.
Thanks for sitting with me---- it really really means a lot to me
@ThePizza Hey M - Suffering doesn't come in age appropriate boxes. It doesn't come according to age or race or gender - suffering is suffering. While - yeah - you are allowed to suffer - I wish you weren't. It's ok to not be ok.
I can imagine how scary it is to have so much pressure on you. To do well - to get into a good college - all that kind of falls on your shoulders. It's scary sort of not know really what will happen - and to try to decide what it is you want to do with the rest of your life. Sorry - I hope I'm not adding to any insecurities. It's just that - well - I get it. I mean I'm not you of course but I do understand that fear for the future.
That kind of makes me think of that song by Falling in Reverse - everyone thinks it's just a phase - but it's not. Not really. Yeah ok alot of teens are sullen moody people - the teen angst and all - but sometimes - it's so much more. There's real depression - and to not be taken serious just because people think you're just doing the teen thing - that scares me - because Well - I know where it can lead. No one deserves that. I won't brush you off M or try to make you fit into a box. You're much more then what others think you should be.
You're welcome M - I'm always happy to sit with you.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
There's been a lot of second guessing and self doubt--- worries are starting to creep back up from the surface. Anxiety will probably be heightened soon. Kind of accepted the revolution of the cycles at the moment--- it's gotten exhausting to try and break them. Seems the only option for now is to ride them out.
High on words, low on time--- story of my life
A lot has been going on for me the past couple of days--- I had a dress rehearsal Monday and a chorus performance Tuesday. I was also supposed to meet with my counselor Monday, but the appointment had to be cancelled. Today's swim practice was stressful, as I hadn't been Monday or Tuesday, which had an impact on my muscle memory. I am disappointed in today's practice. It was back IM, which normally would be a pretty good day for me. But I had a hard time focusing on the backstroke, my technique wasn't getting better even though I was concentrating on that, and the IM main set was a disaster because I fell into another depression hole, as I think of them. (Idk if it's actually depression--- I FEEL like I have depression but I haven't been diagnosed other than my doctor diagnosing me with anxiety and "possibly mild depression" [I kinda... lied on that test because my mother was right next to me while I was answering the questions and idk I was uncomfortable--- so I occasionally wonder whether I would have been diagnosed with depression if I had answered truthfully] anyway since I haven't been diagnosed I feel guilty for thinking of it as depression since I don't even actually know if that's what it is, what if I'm just sleep deprived--- I mean I definitely don't get enough sleep and I know that lack of sleep affects overall mood and can make you unhappy so IDK welp this is a long tangent.) Anyway I wasn't able to motivate myself to put in the right amount of effort, so I'm unhappy with that performance. And I have an important meet next weekend so. Not good. Also this English project I have has been stressing me out because I was having major issues with being confused and procrastination but it's pretty much done, just have to rehearse the presentation part of it which luckily I don't have to present until Friday. I don't even know how to present? Since it's high school and all I get the impression she expects us to know how but in middle school presentations were just.... reading what you wrote or had on a powerpoint I guess, idk we just never had to rehearse what we were going to say and all that. Last night I got less than six hours of sleep so that was just great. I feel like crap, probably since I haven't gotten much sleep this week and haven't had as much excercise as usual. Busy head busy brain, floodgates are open--- this is so disorganized but oh well. Next week is the last week of school before winter break, thank goodness. Maybe then I can finally rest. Felt pretty isolated lately, and discontentment with self/hate of self has been more prominent these past couple days. I've been so stressed about this project and with getting it done on top of everything else, it'll be a relief once it's done--- hopefully I get a good grade--- okay random phrases of things on my mind as they float by okay go stop obsessing over that you can't just project get it done practice present sleep eat swim better faster focus get your homework done during class lunch or a different class procrastinate hostile don't want to snap at you what's with the constant thinking flurry of thoughts ahaha nope not that one censorship for no reason stop dude that's unecessary unsure of what I'm saying type delete type delete be original stop phrase snatching grrr even that is a phrase snatch flames on the side of my face seethe seething fire cherry on topple copyright plagiarism citation maker angry birds go yeet blanket tired sad technology stop yelling and being aggressive at me for not understanding your references just stop it makes me feel like sht hhhhh too much school winter break sleep eat desk lamp chair wall computer typing bold red blue underline but not the colon digestive eat better sleep more thought spiral good book is nope nope nope not that candle c jk carpet broken unused clutter emotional guilt studios gaslighting folder paper rock paper scissors pumpkin well now seriously it's just turning into nonsense stop objectifying us what am I allowed to say tired tired tired flitting everywhere constantly don't even bother charger why the things I see? idk change the order don't identify things music souls songs change of mind difference in opinion triggers
Sometimes I just wish I was back in high school so I could feel the excitment of driving my car for the first time and blasting music I wasn't really allowed to listen to. I miss sneaking out and having fun with friends. I miss being in track and field and cross country. I miss my parents cooking for me. Meal planning is so tedious. I miss the air at home because the air here is so polluted it makes me feel unsafe to go outside. I didn't grow up around the ocean, so the ocean here really scares me because I'm scared of sharks. I took my car in for an oil change today and it turned into a bit of a mess and I guess there's something really wrong with it?? Fingers crossed that there's not. I'm really frustrated how much money controls my mind. I feel greedy. I truly wish I was comfortable financially because it would lift such a weight off knowing I could for sure pay my bills. I miss making crafts with my grandma and I miss eating macaroni and cheese and watching disney channel. I am so cozy right now in my house with my roomates, but I'm so far away from everything I know, it's really scary. I have such anxiety about the earth's health and sometimes don't see the point in anything because of the state of the climate. I've noticed that picking up trash, recyling, and being more consumer consious makes me feel like a better person and makes me feel like I'm making a difference. I wish the earth was healthy and everyone loved it like they loved their own children. I wish we all had a great respect for the land and the waters. I don't want to raise a family one day and be scared if there's enough food or water. I want to be healthy and happy and free.
@decisiveDrum5084
Listening to music that probably isn't allowed? I can relate, lol. I understand your concerns with money, and I don't think you're greedy--- it's important to have enough saved up just in case, you know? But also to have enough to replenish for the second, third just in case type emergency-- that's the hard part, I think. I'm sorry you're so far from what you know, and miss the way things were-- it could be fun to watch a disney movie again when you had the chance.
Reading this was nice because it helps to know other people worry and care about the environment the way I do-- it often seems like no one cares at all. I'm hoping to make a change one day, even if it's a small one. Maybe it'll pick up speed and turn into a movement, who knows.
@ThePizza
Round and Round by Imagine Dragons
Nothing Left to Say by Imagine Dragons
Perfect Machine by Starset
