Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
S o n g l y r i c s I'm not in a crisis--
The songs in question:
Taxi Cab by twenty one pilots
Shots by Imagine Dragons
Monster by Starset
The last few days were fun. But I notice that my sleeping pattern changed. I sleep most of the time. I think my depression is getting worst despite the fact that I had a nice days this week. I also lost my enthusiasm in work and I was a workaholic person. And my work is my life. I dont know what to do without it. now, I feel tired most of the time. And today. I moved so slow., I was never like this. I used to be good and fast paced employee now I worry that my workmates will see and realized that I have been battling with depression. I am not open about having to deal with loneliness and sadness every single day. I hid it to my friends and family. I am not ready to open up about the status of my mental health. Im sorry for being such a downer but I just needed this to let it out of my chest.
@kiwimee
No worries, I understand the relief of being able to talk about it somewhere. I too struggle to talk about my feelings with family and friends, and in most cases would prefer not to as I think you mentioned. It's okay to still be feeling sad and tired even when some good days are sprinkled in. You don't have to be guilty about that. I hope your weekend goes well.
Who would have thought it was this hard to get something done. Every inch of my being does not want to work on this assignment. Afraid of getting a bad grade, I guess (especially since it's a major grade AND a group project), and I also have no clue what I'm doing, lol. I'll loose time to work on it later today, have to go to dinner at a family friend's house (ugh), and tomorrow I have practice and another event. It would be better if I got a good chunk of work done now, instead of putting it off for later. I know I won't have much time this week, so I really should get work done now so I'm not overwhelmed and so the quality of work is better. Maybe shouldn't be listening to music, but can't really focus in dead silence either. Idk. It seems everything is a potential distraction these days. It is important that I get this project done. My lowest grade is in this class. Even though I don't want to work on it now, I won't want to work on it later either so might as well time manage properly and work on it now. Do the project. Do the project. Do the project. Do some research, work on the project, get it done. WORK ON THE PROJECT. (No replies please. Just trying to talk myself into it)
TRIGGER WARNING I THINK
Feeling pretty melancholy-- Idk. Everything is just-- too much, you know? I feel the need to constantly be "on duty", like I'll never be able to relax or have a break. I keep thinking ahead to upcoming assignments or tests, and then the logistics of, in the (near) future, trying to balance a job with school AND swimming so I can save up money for going to college/life afterwards... really, there should be no reason for me to worry about this. My family is, and always has been, financially secure, including the costs of extra things such as sports, summer camps, and all my medicines. We're considerably well-off, I guess. So I don't really know where this fear of not having enough money comes from. I guess I just want to be prepared? I really don't know. I would certainly be more comfortable knowing I have a lot saved up and stashed away, I guess.
I don't know how this became so embedded within me, the need to cover up emotions or my thoughts; the immediate, often subconscious act of phrasing things or choosing something different to say in a way that makes whoever I am talking to feel agreed with. And for small talk with strangers, acquaintances, or just people I'm not particularly close to, I think it is probably okay. But with close friends and my counselor--- does not seem like the best strategy. I should be able to talk to someone--- it is my counselor's JOB to try and help me--- but the bullsht comes flying out my mouth so fast I don't have a say in the matter. And yeah, parents/close family should prooooobably be included in that list of people I want to open up to, but. Idk. I don't feel the need to be open with them--- I'd rather not be---- and I feel bad about it sometimes, you know? I feel like they'll get defensive or pissed about it, especially my mom, and then be really upset and start thinking that they damaged me somehow (did they?) . I guess I feel that society's expectations are: you're super close with your parents, unless they were outright abusive in some way. Otherwise you have no right to hate them-- you're just a whiny kid or a moody teenager. On Friday, my mom left early in the morning--- had to go to a different state for the funeral of a relative--- and didn't come back until late tonight (Saturday). And I just--- when my dad got a message from her saying she would be home soon, I got a feeling of dread. And I just---- well in all honesty I'm not entirely sure I should be saying things like this. I'm so confused.
Who or what decides what qualifies as damaging to a person? Do there have to be obvious signs of hurt, something off in some way? Is the amount of something tolerable before being considered damaged different for each individual? I would think so. So what's the limit for me?
Stop, don't say these things. You have a nice house, several electronics, books, art supplies, clothes, necessary items--- your parents are willingly/eagerly accept the expenses of paying for sports and the equipment that goes along with it, school supplies, extra things like gum. They're saving money up to pay for college. Even though you've had to pay for some things recently, most of the time when you're buying a gift for a friend or something they pay for it. They give you allowance. Every so often they might come up with a nice thing to give to you, out of the blue, whether it's a necessary item or just something enjoyable. Your mother is very organized and on top of your medicines and is mindful of your allergies, she and your father drive you to and from swimming every day. They're trying to give you more freedoms with staying up a bit too late to finish that homework, and are starting to let you go places with friends without an adult having to be there. You can be home alone. You have running water, electricity, plenty of food. You have friends. They've given up on trying to force you into pants in the winter (my legs just don't get cold okay? And it's not like I live in a super cold place or anything). You're financially secure. You've lived in the same house your whole life. Your mother used to be a nurse, so if you're sick or tired she might be able to help fix that. Your father is extremely smart, and helps you with homework. You're considered extremely bright, gifted.
So what is it? What is it that you dare to think you're "missing"? You have a great time of it---- so so many are way worse off. How dare you complain.
Your friend? She was right. What the hell ARE you doing here???
Popular Monster by Falling in Reverse— introduced to be by mytwistedsoul lol