Scattered Thoughts

But that version of him isnt real.

Is mine?

It shouldnt be. Kill it.

In the recent past it had been that I felt down for periods of time, but would feel guilt calling myself depressed since there were plenty of moments where I was happy or content. I've realized that lately it hasn't been even that. The sadness hangs over me like a cloud-- unescapable. Imminent.

Feeling uncomfortable

When will the tasks go away

I'm feeling alone and when i'm with a group of friends i feel like i'm not even with them and no one cares if i'm there or not i'm always feeling left out and that's so hard. I still love my ex boyfriend so much but we cannot be together again and that's so painful

Too late-- always too late.

A general agreement in society, or at least in the way I've percieved it, is that acting differently towards different friends/people is acting "fake". Does this mean there are certain people you can be your true true self with? People you care about and don't hide your thinking from-- the least amount of censorship possible? Or could it be that you're simply a different person with different people you encounter? Who's to say one version of you is any less real than another? What is it about different types/groups of people or certain individuals that bring something else-- someone else out of us? Is it so wrong for this to be true? I have no clue what I'm getting at lol

A general tiredness, I think, that comes with a busy lifestyle. The classes themself, the workload-- not much different from my previous experience, but getting closer to college means things need to be planned out and--- that has been stressing me out a bit. Not to mention the question of money... which my parents have told me not to worry about, but to be financially secure its better to start saving early. I like to be ahead of schedule, on top of things, early-- I'd like to have quite a bit in savings for emergencies, and because everything seems pretty expensive (lol). Not something I think about every day, but always in the back of my mind.

Think I've mentioned this before, but things have settled into a set routine--- wake up, get to school, go through school, come home, eat, practice, come home, shower, eat, homework, sleep, rinse and repeat. I don't often feel relaxed-- mostly the sense of being keyed up, trying to work as quickly and efficiently as possible. Trying to get ahead as much as I can. Over time its-- draining, to constantly try and switch from school mode to practice mode to homework mode. Sleep is still a problem too. Falling asleep has improved a lot, which is helpful, but getting to bed at a reasonable time is still hard and not really happening. I don't think my irregular schedule over our five day weekend helped matters. I beat myself up over this a lot. Always wish I could've gotten more rest, but when it is actually time for me to sleep I don't do it. This ties into homework and trying to complete it fast as possible-- I have trouble with this too. My counselor has recommended that I get some general testing done, just to see if there's anything there--- how I process and learn things, my speed doing so, whether or not I have mild ADHD or something. Still hasn't been scheduled, but it will be eventually. Another thing about lack of sleep is the negative health affects, such as physical things, but also memory and retension issues-- which of course is a problem with school and learning.

I've felt disconnected from friends lately-- kinda felt the urge to push them away at times. I think I figured out why, or part of the reason why--- perhaps my social batteries need a chance to recharge? Constantly judging the real-time or potential reactions, thoughts, and feelings of others is quite frankly exhausting, and at times seems uneccessary-- just, be kind, but say what you feel and think ya know? Ha! If only it could be that easy. I hate saying things that are cliche, or expected of me to say because I'm a teenager or whatever, but I mean really, WHY again do feelings have to be so complicated??

A break would be nice. Had a break last week with only two days of school in the week, but it didn't help and I still had work (that I procrastinated on, which caused me stress, and I didn't even get to everything, which makes me feel behind). Looking forward to winter break, which is longer, but it's not for another three weeks... sigh.

I'm getting sick and tired of societal expectations and unspoken rules. Even people I consider to be fairly rational in these matters still seem to be affected by what is expected or perpetuated by society-- societal norms and all that. (I don't know if I used perpetrated correctly-- I get sentences in my head with flow and words that sound right and fit, even if I might not actually know what they mean, lol.) Sometimes--- I feel like common sense is missing. Or that people aren't taking the time to think for themselves. I try to focus on my own expectations instead of those of society--- which is good and beneficial in some cases, but in others causes me to go with stricter expectations and harsher judgements of myself.

This has helped me a little to feel the buzzing of thoughts a little less. There is still a lot sitting on the edge, waiting to come out--- I can feel it. The words have stopped visibly flowing now though, so I guess I'm done for the time being. Need sleep anyway

Message Man by twenty one pilots

Definitely withdrawn. Writing here every day, or at least consistently, could help me I think. Just to get my words down on paper, so to speak. I'll probably float all over the place. Hopefully I can stick with it; some consistency would be nice.

Thoughts I've noticed lately: general discontentment with myself, who I am and how I act at times. Of course, when I screw something up I tend to feel annoyance with myself, and internally berate myself for that. Recently its been more of noticing little things about me that seem hypocritical, annoying, or rude. I don't know. Something to work on, I suppose, though at the same time I shouldn't try to sugarcoat things you know? Better to know if I'm doing something wrong so I can work on fixing it instead of assuring myself I'm a "good person" and ignoring it.

Back to feeling withdrawn--- not as many people I want to talk to as before, but most of the time I don't really mind. I still have groups, though sadly a few connections are starting to fade. To be honest I don't have many thoughts or feelings about it, just sort of a "it is what it is" attitude. I think I'm so overwhelmed with balancing everything and unhealthy habits such as late bedtimes and food (another can of worms that I may open at some point), that my mind has started to shut down, or at least in particular areas. That and the need to recharge my social battery are probably two major contributing factors.

One particular group of friends--- they're great and all and I'm pretty close to them, but lately when I've been around them I've just kinda... shut down. (I already used that phrase, lol) Don't have the energy to talk to them other than short replies when they initiate conversation. It especially hurts to see someone you WANT to be friends with talking easily with your other friends but not you (any time you talk to them it feels forced), especially when you're not sure if they consider YOU a friend. Sigh. I don't care for this internal turmoil/drama at all. Some feelings I'd rather completely avoid having at all. Though as I've learned, you can yell at yourself all you want, but the doubt that maybe you really DO feel a certain way never leaves. (This might not be making much sense-- all over the place)

There are definitely different sets of music I listen to depending on my mood. This isn't always the case, but it does happen frequently. And oh boy, when I pull up Set It Off you know I'm having a rough time feeling like a person (what the heck is THAT sentence?? Haha) But yeah, definitely some machinery going on there.

Constant flip-flopping back and forth---- make up your mind ya know? Why is it so hard to know when to put up walls and fake it til you make it, and when not to. Reeee

Shots by Imagine Dragons

It's too much, you know? (Rhetorical question) I have a lot going on, trying to balance schoolwork and studying with practice-- something has to give. Usually sleep. Adding all this extra stuff is--- too much. But of course I'm trying to do it anyway... it is stuff I WANT to do, but the organization is not the best in these situations, I'm the strongest thread of connection for one person and so I have to relay everything to them but I forget and then THEY get pissed with the disorganization and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Ever just sit there, staring at something that just absolutely NEEDS to get done, but no matter what you do you just can't get yourself to do it? Even if you'd rather get it over and done with anyway, even if you need to manage time properly and efficiently, whether you know what you're doing or not it seems IMPOSSIBLE to motivate--- it sucks. I wish I had the mental discipline to push through that block. What frustrates me especially is that I KNOW it needs to get done and I WANT it to get done, but somehow I still sit there, immobilized, a big physical nope. I hate it. And you're screaming at yourself to just DO it already.

Who decides if you're smart? Is it chosen by grades and public reputation? If I doubt my own abilities does that mean I'm wrong to doubt myself, or is everyone else wrong? Are my standards, when compared to the standards of others, too high? Am I allowed to say that I don't feel smart or will that only ever be percieved as attention seeking through faux modesty? This scenario happened to me one time:

Me: (Played basketball on a rec league for six years, is not great by any means but generally more skilled than a person who has never played on a team, or played in general)

Me: I'm really not that good at basketball

Person: (In my gym class, funnily enough was on my rec team in the very early years; this person, when we were little kids and on the team, had been one of the better players on the team, and was certainly better than me) Ugh stop looking for attention, we all know you're good

I hate it when people assume things like that about me. Excuse me, no, I'm NOT seeking attention, in all honesty that's YOUR job, YOU are the one seeking attention in many cases. Surprise surprise, I do not value my abilities because I don't see the value in them; I genuinely believe I'm not good at this sport (and many, many other things--- but that's besides the point). Do you understand how hurtful that is, to express genuine feelings about yourself only to be shot down and labelled as an attention seeker? Apparently not, since you don't seem to believe that I meant what I said. And you were literally on my team; yes, we were a lot younger then, but surely you remember that my skills were hardly admirable or impressive? You yourself were better than me.

Another thing---- why do people freak out and think less of you when you haven't been exposed to the same things as them? Just because I'm a kid your age doesn't mean I've had access to the same shows, movies, activities, privileges as you. In fact, generally I think of my parents as strict about different things than most, sheltering, maybe overprotective. I'm limited in a lot of things. Look, so WHAT if I don't know the famous person you're referring to, or there are a ton of Disney movies I haven't seen, or I don't have social media, or I don't understand vine references or memes, or I don't understand how technology works? I haven't been exposed to the same things as you. You haven't been exposed to the same things as me. Sure, you can be surprised by something I'm unaware of or haven't experienced, but don't think LESS of me as a PERSON. And if it's such a terrible thing that I don't know something, tell me what it is if I ask to know, instead of refusing because I "don't deserve to know". You're getting on my case for not knowing something, yet you don't want to explain it? Sheesh.

Time is ticking--- slipping through my fingers---- how do the minutes manage to pass so quickly? I swear I'm trying---- why is it so hard to get things done---- executive dysfunction, I think. Wanting to do something or knowing something needs to get done, but being unable to actually bring yourself to do it. WHY CAN'T I FOCUS--- it all ends up being last minute, or at least some part of it does.

It's kinda cool I get to say all this--- most of this stays in my head all the time. Never leaves. Or if it does I try to cover it up, move on quickly. I guess a lot of me is just--- hidden? Idk. Doesn't feel right to say all this to people, though there is something to be said about the relief of saying it here, of people supporting it--- supporting me, which I'm very grateful for---

Phrase-snatching (even this phrase---- brain please stop)

Well this turned into a rant

Searching for--- something I guess

It's Time by Imagine Dragons

My Demons by Starset

Doubt by twenty one pilots

Inside Out by Five Finger Death Punch (ha see I knew it'd be a song of the day, thanks for reccommending it)

Ride by twenty one pilots

This became a random list