Scattered Thoughts

A fear, among many:

Those moments you take a glimpse outside of yourself and see the way you're acting--- and you're acting in a way that may be percieved as scary or harsh by others? I don't want to be something to others that I might not want directed at me--- or just something that doesn't seem right.

Imagine if you will— here is an assessment, big important standardized test— take careful note of the word standardized here. Whats it on? Well, life, in general, but also a far away world of 1s and 0s— notice again the 1 and 0 as opposed to one and zero. Both are falling apart.

There are two different sections of the test, multiple choice and short answer. Feeling well prepared, you took it— and surprisingly, did well. Confidence rising the slightest bit, you take it again, and again— over and over, as the test of life demands.

One day, your test specifically begins with the short answer instead of the multiple choice. And you cant comprehend the short answer. Same questions as always, but suddenly much harder to understand. Are you tired? Burned out? Should you only answer when you feel comfortable doing so? Thats what you end up doing anyway, but eventually your answers come to a grinding halt, the flow of words slowing to a trickle, and then just a few drops.

The next time you take the test, you skip the short answer section altogether, moving directly to the multiple choice questions. Lately you havent been able to answer those questions either— the last test you turned in was entirely blank.

On this most recent test, though, the multiple choice section and its answers come a little easier to you. Still a struggle to put down on paper— but at last youre able to pick up the pencil again. You even manage to circle the answers on a couple questions before turning in the test.

You feel guilty about not answering the short answer section and the rest of the mutiple choice questions. You WANT to answer them, but— the answer doesnt come to you, or you cant pick up your pencil, or the lead breaks. Sometimes you wonder if youre even trying— you are, arent you?

No one has said anything about the blanks yet. You wonder if theyve noticed— of course they have. You wonder if they are perfectly okay with it— its a possibility, right? They said they would be, long ago. Still, you wait, wondering if maybe they do mind after all— and when theyll say something about it.

Youre not sure if you want to keep taking the test. But you dont want to loose contact with the world of 1s and 0s either.

So you wait.

Sometimes you answer a question, be it short answer or multiple choice, and immediately realize you phrased it incorrectly or misinterpreted something--- or even just said the wrong thing. When this happens, you have to choose between letting this go and moving to the next question, leaving a note for the grader of the test that explains you know your answer is wrong, or erasing and changing the answer.

Erasing is messy. It leaves holes in the paper, though it is said the graders of the test don't mind.

Sometimes you just leave quit the exam and walk out

Those are the W R O N G W O R D S, stupid

So the goal is to try and get better, right? To improve how we feel about ourselves, learn healthy coping strategies and find a sense of happiness and contentment. Something like that--- I'm sure everyone has a different specific goal for themselves. I'm not exactly sure what mine is.

I don't really practice stategies to get better :/ I really should, but I always start to think to myself that everything is better this way--- a specific example:

I need to stop saying that I hate myself. There are plenty of good things about me, and a more positive outlook can even improve my moods and actions. I should take steps to feel better about myself.

No, you can't do that. It's important that you continue to hate yourself. Trying to come up with positive things and making efforts to only focus on those is not good-- you can't afford to be lying to yourself. Better that you know the truth.

Found a random song and-- wow it's fitting

I think it's some sort of anime song? I'm not exactly sure tbh but I think this English version was translated

Anyway its called Self-Inflicted Achromatic by Juby-Phonic (I think)

I wanna be like you, I wanna say that I can
I wanna be the person that you think that I am
But even if I had it all come true like a dream
Is the person I came to be the really real me?


So young and simple, wishing like things would come true
Now as I am, I understand it's best I die and soon


Just by living Im hurting them another day
Hundreds cry, all I do is ruin everything
Nobody wanted me, no one there to need
If only I could live in that kind of world I dreamed


Just by leaving I'm helping them another day
Hundreds smile, all they do is laugh at everything
Nobody there to scream, no more being mean but see
Things like that would never happen for me


Day after day I found my way, sleepwalking through
Like this I'll fade without a trace, its for the best I do

Just by living I'm nothing for another day
Hundred lives, never knowing me or anything
Nobody wanted me, no one there to need
Why would I wanna live in the kind of world I see?


Just by leaving I'm no one for another day
Hundred lives, never changing them or anything
Nobody there to scream, no more being mean to me
Then could I have it all back in one piece?


In the end, we'll fall to the ground again
Over and over and never get up
In the end, the person they made in me
Breaking and breaking and never pick up
In the end, we're leaving it all again
Over and over and never wake up

Just by living I'm bringing you another day
Why, just for me, can you smile after everything?

In the end, the smile you give to me
Right when I wanted to give it all up
And I really do wish that I didn't
And all of the moments I tried
Just to die said goodbye

Just by leaving I'm no one for another day
Hundred lives, never changing them or anything
Somebody here to scream, someone here is stopping me
Why cant I laugh it off the way that Id dreamed?

VIP: Do you ever feel like a half empty highlighter

VIP: Like

VIP: You want and need to brighten up the world but there you are

VIP: Running out of highlighter

The Pitiful Children by (from?) BE MORE CHILL