Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
It is-- a bit scary how I can block out certain states or emotions at times. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, though I wish I could do it in the heat of the moment and be able to move forward.
So. How to tackle this. Friday night's practice and circut training, Saturday morning's yoga and practice: awful. Awful, awful, awful.
Friday's practice started out okay-- fly-breast day, meaning you swim either butterfly or breastroke depending on which you're better at. So for me, fly. I was fine until we got to the main set.
I had been leading my lane for the majority of practice, but I always get a little stressed when I have to lead during the main set. Usually it isn't an issue though, and I get through it. In this practice, however, there was a lot of fly. Of course if it's fly day there is always a lot of fly, and I don't know why I freaked out as much as I did, as we were doing 50s and not 75s as we had done on other days. Well, mostly it was 50s. Once we got through those, we had to alternate between a 100 freestyle and a 100 fly, three times. On the first 100 fly--- I crashed. Couldn't do it. Well I was still swimming it, I just wasn't into it; didn't have the mental energy to pull myself together, push forward and GO. Basically, I was having an anxiety attack and so I started shutting down.
I got out of the water and didn't get back after that. I tried (I think), but I was frozen. Fight flight or freeze-- guess it was freeze in this situation. Immobile. So that was terrible; I should have gotten back in, I shouldn't have gotten out in the first place, I should have gone faster on that 100 fly and pushed past the anxiety and mental blocks and I should have just SWUM. But I didn't.
Another terrible thing about what I did: I didn't just tell the coach "I'm having an anxiety attack and need to get out of the water". No, I fricking pretended to use my inhaler. Such an awful thing to do. I almost can't believe I used it as an excuse like that. Oh that reminds me, on Thursday I also got out and used my inhaler in the main set. Missed four 50s. I mean I did actually need it that time so. (Did I? Could I have pushed more? I don't know) Plus this week I was late to practice a few times--- not a big deal with the coaches, as our practice time is right after school and they had to change the practice to push it fifteen minutes back so people could make it. Well they were supposed to do that, anyway-- I think we still start at the same time, but the coaches understand if you're a couple minutes late. I didn't miss too much any of the times I was late but I think it's a bad sign I was so eager to miss parts of practice. I went to the bathroom a few times this week too, which I normally don't do but at least I did actually have to go. But back to Friday--
After that I still had circut training, and at that point I just gave up. Sure, I did the excercises and movements and all that, but the effort wasn't there. I worked slowly-- too slowly. That was NOT GOOD. Should have put in more effort, should have pushed and just done all the reps like I was supposed to-- weak mental state, ugh. Excuses excuses.
And then I end up doubting myself anyway because afterwards I just have normal conversations with friends and family, so I start to think, "Did all that really happen or did I just make it up? Did I give in waaaaaaay too early? I am I just weak? Looking for every opportunity not to work hard?"
Today, Saturday, was no better. Well I guess it was in some ways but it also ended up being the same/worse. We had our meet in another state last weekend, but this weekend they have another meet for the people who didn't go to the other state and for the lowest level track which my brother recently joined, actually; I'm in the middle track. Anyway, they had to change our practice times, so yoga was moved to before practice for me instead of after, and the practice was a little later in the day.
Now, I honestly kinda hate yoga. Most of the stretches to me are boring, and I'd rather not have to be holding an uncomfortable pose for an indefinite amount of time, thank you very much. I'm decently flexible, so at least there's that, but it doesn't really matter to me anyway. The worst part is all the mental stuff, though. I just don't like it, and it doesn't work for me either. I'm talking about things such as focusing on your breath, imagining letting your worries go and making a goal for the yoga practice, imagining filling up your body with your breath and stretching certain muscles in a specific way... look, I don't even know what or where half the muscles they name even are.
So I already hate going to yoga, so I'm not in the best mood when we start. I'm also pretty sleepy and today I just--- I don't even know what happened but I crashed. I felt trapped, and at one point my breathing even sped up a little. Over and over in my mind was the phrase "I have to get out, I have to get out". I don't know what caused this, but the depression just hit hard. So hard that I was showing it outwardly a little-- usually I try to act normally, but I stopped caring. To a point, that is. I still managed to talk to my friend(s) without snapping at them. I think I did snap once or twice but even through the depression I still felt guilty so yaaaaaaay! Ugh.
Afterwards I was absolutely dreading having to dive into the water and start practice. But I dragged myself around, getting ready a little later than I normally do, and practiced. The beginning was actually fine, and all the doubts came back--- "Wow, I really made this whole thing too dramatic and exaggerated." "What's wrong with me? Nothing, that's what, I'm just lazy and I need to do the stupid practice." "Ugh, and to think I was about to leave-- such a quitter. I suck." And yes, it was so bad before practice/ I so badly didn't want to swim because I'm a slacker that I was thinking about sitting out or something. I had to take a friend home so I couldn't really leave, but I could have sat out-- kinda glad I didn't but still.
Once again, I did fine until the main set. Man, I should have OWNED the main set. While swimming it I actually felt smooth and my strokes were alright. But nope, I wasn't trying hard enough-- sure I was making the intervals, but there's a difference between making the intervals and actually going fast or all out when you're supposed to. I gave up again. Tried to pull it together towards the end but it didn't work out.
Both these days, all these things that I did (or didn't do), all the things I lacked energy or effort for--- what a waste. A complete waste.
I don't understand why I don't feel the depression as strong now. It's hovering on the edge of my conciousness, ready to swoop in and take over again. I can only avoid it for so long.
Maybe don't reply to this? I don't know. I just feel like these are weird things to talk about
@ThePizza Hey M - How are you?
I had something I've been wanting to ask you about and then I read something that well - you wrote it so - Well I wanted to ask you about it even more.
Of course you don't have to answer. You had said that this counselor had asked about whether they should meet with your parents with or with out you present. I guess - I wanted to ask you hw you feel about that. I mean it's none of my business but that has to bother you some. Is it just like - Idk - progress reports? Or like if something serious comes up? Idk - like I said - I was wondering what your thoughts are about it. Wondering if that effects some of the privacy of it for you. I guess - well - I know it would brother me.
Like I said - you don't have to answer - but I wanted to ask. It was kind of - Idk - begging to be asked but if I'm overstepping - just say. No worries
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Don't worry (easier said than done I know, I'm sorry) about the question-- it's a good question and I'm happy to answer it. I'm not certain what the meetings with my parents are for, but I think it's just an update, maybe a little recap of what I've been practicing with her or something like that.
I'm-- relieved, to be honest, that she gave me options-- I would have felt awkward asking for my preferred. In a heartbeat I chose to have the sessions separate-- you're right, it wouldn't feel private to have them there, and... I would dread those meetings. I don't feel comfortable with them hearing my exact thoughts, and I think I would change my answers anyway if they were in the room with me.
I am still loosing privacy, because she's going to tell them summaries of what I've said I guess-- but it won't be as much privacy lost than if I was in the room with them. I'm guessing she has to talk to my parents on a regular basis even for stuff that isn't serious just because I'm a minor, but it's still a little frustrating. She did say she would keep my exact wording and the details of things confidential, so that's nice-- let's see how long that lasts, fingers crossed, lol.
I'm doing-- alright, I think? Right now I'm feeling okay, but I'm in my work mode, which doesn't leave a lot of time for feeling strong emotions/ feeling accurate emotions. Throughout the day I've had multiple flashes of bad and one spliced-together flash of good. Those moments were kind of nice.
I guess I'll see how I feel when I try to go to sleep tonight, lol! Sheesh
Anyway, I hope the anxiety has calmed down for you a little-- I hate the shaky, on edge feeling
@ThePizza Hey M - I'm glad you're doing ok - It's kind of hard to know when you're in work mode because you're sort of distracted from everything but the work you're focused on. Yeah it does sort of hit when you're trying to settle down to sleep.
It's really nice that she gave you options to choose from. And really cool that she's going to keep all the details between her and you and just sort of summarize for them. I can imagine - the thoughts of having them talk to her while you're present. It's the looks you get - almosr like they'd be waiting to defend your words or to explain. I'm sure she'll have to keep it that way unless you would tell her something - well that she'd have to keep either you or someone else safe. It's really good that you like her so far. I'm sure it still feels kind of weird though - But I am really glad you finally got set up with one.
Have a good night M - don't stay up too late. Lol! I hope you have a good day tomorrow.
@ThePizza Hey M - How are you? Just wanted to check in with you. Say hey and all that.
@mytwistedsoul
I don't feel that I'm here
@ThePizza *sits with you* You want to talk about it?
I know sometimes I feel like I'm just sort of floating through the day - hours pass - things get done. But you're sort of on autopilot. It's very disconcerting and confusing when this happens. Alittle scary.
@mytwistedsoul
It is
I don't know how to get back
Who is controlling me?
I'm sorry I'm in a very weird place right now
@ThePizza No worries - don't apologize. Have you tried to ground yourself? Sometimes splashing your face with cold water can help too. Sometimes even just going to bed. Or talking with someone. But - Idk - I have a hard time finding the words when I'm like that.
@mytwistedsoul
I would very much like to talk here… something inside is telling me not to do so. Words are stuck or hiding from me. Im fading
Internal conflict— what do I keep? What do I delete? Dont say that, its weird— this isnt how you speak— Im lost
@ThePizza I understand - Kind of going through the same thing myself. Things to say - but everyone's allready probably heard it. Idk - I think I get tired of hearing myself talk sometimes. It's hard to remember that this is - well it's your space - you can say whay you want and talk about what you want.
I'm sorry you're going through this M. Maybe we'll both find some words today and be able to get things off our chests and out of our heads.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@ThePizza
Knock kcnoc, I hope you allow me in...I remember the very early times when you were worried about your pic. Now you see, you can puck your own pic...I hope water heals you if you stick by her...I didn't yet she calls me every day...great artistic pic😶
@sparklesinthewater
Thank you
The water unfortunately has not been particularly inviting lately, but maybe thats my own fault
@ThePizza
Yes, I grew apart frrom water too and I regret it deeply...
I hope and wish that you will find her ahain...I appologise for knocking on your door...
Idk— would it be the same to create a separate threat titled My Feed? No, probably not
@ThePizza I wondered the same thing M. Idk - it - Idk - there was more privacy with the feed - more we could control - ya know? Tbh - I feel alittle silly being so upset and angry about it. I was hoping since they took it yesterday - there would be some magical reveal today with a newer more improved feed type substance. Probably shouldn't hope our breath.
@mytwistedsoul
It was nice because you could delete things, and it was more private than the forums— I felt like only certain people would ever see my feed, which was nice. Maybe if enough people miss it, they
@ThePizza I feel the same way - it was private - seems only the people we really knew - knew how we used it. It was a nice way to check in with each other. A quiet little place to lay some thoughts out. Idk - I hope they do something soon. There is alot of people missing it and alot of them voicing their thoughts - so - hopefully they'll take it all into consideration.
Here are some scattered thoughts (huh-- I like the sound of that better than dumping grounds):
All the pressure-- sure it might not be the usual pressure of getting good grades or getting certain times in a sport but believe me, there is still pressure. Pressure to hurry up, go fast-- in the past it was why are you crying, stop being so sensitive! now it's still that you're too sensitive but the anger instead of despair comes instead. Who are you to judge-- this is how I feel-- this is how your words sound, feel, taste to me. Passive aggressive things-- can those stop? I know what time it is, stop hounding me--
Was I making noises again? I notice you're putting in your earbuds
It's partly that, you were making noises and it was starting to get to me so I decided to stop it before it got to be a problem, but I also want to listen to music in general--
I was not making noises. I know I wasn't, I was making an effort not to
You were, you were doing this [demonstrates noise]
I was not doing that!
... (sinking into music)
SO you have NOTHing to talk about?! Nothing interesting or unusual happened at school?
No, I don't have anything in particular to talk about.
Leave me alone.
You're my friend but right now I can't stand your constant complaining fool, you do the same in your head, this is why you don't speak your thoughts out loud
I'm just running through the motions-- tired
STOP-- These feelings are wrong. Why can't you just decide to ignore this? You hate it, so don't feed into it.
More, so much more, but there are things to do...
twenty one pilots
Air Catcher
Trapdoor Nothing kills a man faster than his own head
Isle of Flightless Birds
Friend, Please
Johnny Boy
@ThePizza Hey M - How are you?
So in reading this - Well I've got questions - of course. You don't have to answer naturally. But I was wondering if since you started seeing the counselor if you feel your parents have changed or if it feels their attitude towards you has changed. Almost like they're tiptoeing around you - walking on eggshells I guess.
@ThePizza
Feelings are not wrong But you are right, you do not have to feed them, you do not have to act on them. It is your choice, or at least, a choice that we can learn to cultivate if it is difficult to make
@mytwistedsoul
no feed
🌌?
@ThePizza M - I could hug you right now. Not to make it weird or anything but thank you. Thank you for stepping up for me.
@mytwistedsoul
You
@ThePizza These three needed a home - hope you don't mind.
@mytwistedsoul
They can have a home with me
We don't understand
You say you want to talk to us and we don't understand
You say you want to spend time with us and we don't understand
You say you'll be there for us but we don't understand and
You do sit there for us but we don't understand
Why would you want to be with us? Why would you want to care
We're fractured glass inside, fragments inside
Don't you understand
We'll cut you to the core?
Don't you understand
We'd have thought you'd see it before
Don't you understand
The darkened void inside
Don't you understand
There's nowhere we can hide--
Too late
It's not too late for you so why don't you just go?
We'd have thought you'd known
The trouble that waits below
Please run
Please leave
We don't want to hurt you
But we aren't always in control.... or are we?
Just say it, you know? Give the support you want to give-- and then it's not well thought out anyway, so the guilt comes in to say no, that was terrible, and you can't just try again. Why can't you focus on helping instead of yourself? Should I be focusing on myself though? Isn't that the point-- to work on healing? Healing from what, exactly? Nothing happened to you. You're just unhappy for some reason.
Forgot where I was going with this-- circuits are shorting out
A mile a minute, a mile a minute-- how about a light year a minute. Can't even keep track of the thoughts, let alone which are mine