Scattered Thoughts

It is-- a bit scary how I can block out certain states or emotions at times. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, though I wish I could do it in the heat of the moment and be able to move forward.

So. How to tackle this. Friday night's practice and circut training, Saturday morning's yoga and practice: awful. Awful, awful, awful.

Friday's practice started out okay-- fly-breast day, meaning you swim either butterfly or breastroke depending on which you're better at. So for me, fly. I was fine until we got to the main set.

I had been leading my lane for the majority of practice, but I always get a little stressed when I have to lead during the main set. Usually it isn't an issue though, and I get through it. In this practice, however, there was a lot of fly. Of course if it's fly day there is always a lot of fly, and I don't know why I freaked out as much as I did, as we were doing 50s and not 75s as we had done on other days. Well, mostly it was 50s. Once we got through those, we had to alternate between a 100 freestyle and a 100 fly, three times. On the first 100 fly--- I crashed. Couldn't do it. Well I was still swimming it, I just wasn't into it; didn't have the mental energy to pull myself together, push forward and GO. Basically, I was having an anxiety attack and so I started shutting down.

I got out of the water and didn't get back after that. I tried (I think), but I was frozen. Fight flight or freeze-- guess it was freeze in this situation. Immobile. So that was terrible; I should have gotten back in, I shouldn't have gotten out in the first place, I should have gone faster on that 100 fly and pushed past the anxiety and mental blocks and I should have just SWUM. But I didn't.

Another terrible thing about what I did: I didn't just tell the coach "I'm having an anxiety attack and need to get out of the water". No, I fricking pretended to use my inhaler. Such an awful thing to do. I almost can't believe I used it as an excuse like that. Oh that reminds me, on Thursday I also got out and used my inhaler in the main set. Missed four 50s. I mean I did actually need it that time so. (Did I? Could I have pushed more? I don't know) Plus this week I was late to practice a few times--- not a big deal with the coaches, as our practice time is right after school and they had to change the practice to push it fifteen minutes back so people could make it. Well they were supposed to do that, anyway-- I think we still start at the same time, but the coaches understand if you're a couple minutes late. I didn't miss too much any of the times I was late but I think it's a bad sign I was so eager to miss parts of practice. I went to the bathroom a few times this week too, which I normally don't do but at least I did actually have to go. But back to Friday--

After that I still had circut training, and at that point I just gave up. Sure, I did the excercises and movements and all that, but the effort wasn't there. I worked slowly-- too slowly. That was NOT GOOD. Should have put in more effort, should have pushed and just done all the reps like I was supposed to-- weak mental state, ugh. Excuses excuses.

And then I end up doubting myself anyway because afterwards I just have normal conversations with friends and family, so I start to think, "Did all that really happen or did I just make it up? Did I give in waaaaaaay too early? I am I just weak? Looking for every opportunity not to work hard?"

Today, Saturday, was no better. Well I guess it was in some ways but it also ended up being the same/worse. We had our meet in another state last weekend, but this weekend they have another meet for the people who didn't go to the other state and for the lowest level track which my brother recently joined, actually; I'm in the middle track. Anyway, they had to change our practice times, so yoga was moved to before practice for me instead of after, and the practice was a little later in the day.

Now, I honestly kinda hate yoga. Most of the stretches to me are boring, and I'd rather not have to be holding an uncomfortable pose for an indefinite amount of time, thank you very much. I'm decently flexible, so at least there's that, but it doesn't really matter to me anyway. The worst part is all the mental stuff, though. I just don't like it, and it doesn't work for me either. I'm talking about things such as focusing on your breath, imagining letting your worries go and making a goal for the yoga practice, imagining filling up your body with your breath and stretching certain muscles in a specific way... look, I don't even know what or where half the muscles they name even are.

So I already hate going to yoga, so I'm not in the best mood when we start. I'm also pretty sleepy and today I just--- I don't even know what happened but I crashed. I felt trapped, and at one point my breathing even sped up a little. Over and over in my mind was the phrase "I have to get out, I have to get out". I don't know what caused this, but the depression just hit hard. So hard that I was showing it outwardly a little-- usually I try to act normally, but I stopped caring. To a point, that is. I still managed to talk to my friend(s) without snapping at them. I think I did snap once or twice but even through the depression I still felt guilty so yaaaaaaay! Ugh.

Afterwards I was absolutely dreading having to dive into the water and start practice. But I dragged myself around, getting ready a little later than I normally do, and practiced. The beginning was actually fine, and all the doubts came back--- "Wow, I really made this whole thing too dramatic and exaggerated." "What's wrong with me? Nothing, that's what, I'm just lazy and I need to do the stupid practice." "Ugh, and to think I was about to leave-- such a quitter. I suck." And yes, it was so bad before practice/ I so badly didn't want to swim because I'm a slacker that I was thinking about sitting out or something. I had to take a friend home so I couldn't really leave, but I could have sat out-- kinda glad I didn't but still.

Once again, I did fine until the main set. Man, I should have OWNED the main set. While swimming it I actually felt smooth and my strokes were alright. But nope, I wasn't trying hard enough-- sure I was making the intervals, but there's a difference between making the intervals and actually going fast or all out when you're supposed to. I gave up again. Tried to pull it together towards the end but it didn't work out.

Both these days, all these things that I did (or didn't do), all the things I lacked energy or effort for--- what a waste. A complete waste.

I don't understand why I don't feel the depression as strong now. It's hovering on the edge of my conciousness, ready to swoop in and take over again. I can only avoid it for so long.

Maybe don't reply to this? I don't know. I just feel like these are weird things to talk about

@ThePizza Hey M - How are you?

I had something I've been wanting to ask you about and then I read something that well - you wrote it so - Well I wanted to ask you about it even more.

Of course you don't have to answer. You had said that this counselor had asked about whether they should meet with your parents with or with out you present. I guess - I wanted to ask you hw you feel about that. I mean it's none of my business but that has to bother you some. Is it just like - Idk - progress reports? Or like if something serious comes up? Idk - like I said - I was wondering what your thoughts are about it. Wondering if that effects some of the privacy of it for you. I guess - well - I know it would brother me.

Like I said - you don't have to answer - but I wanted to ask. It was kind of - Idk - begging to be asked but if I'm overstepping - just say. No worries

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@ThePizza Hey M - How are you? Just wanted to check in with you. Say hey and all that.

Idk— would it be the same to create a separate threat titled My Feed? No, probably not

Here are some scattered thoughts (huh-- I like the sound of that better than dumping grounds):

All the pressure-- sure it might not be the usual pressure of getting good grades or getting certain times in a sport but believe me, there is still pressure. Pressure to hurry up, go fast-- in the past it was why are you crying, stop being so sensitive! now it's still that you're too sensitive but the anger instead of despair comes instead. Who are you to judge-- this is how I feel-- this is how your words sound, feel, taste to me. Passive aggressive things-- can those stop? I know what time it is, stop hounding me--

Was I making noises again? I notice you're putting in your earbuds

It's partly that, you were making noises and it was starting to get to me so I decided to stop it before it got to be a problem, but I also want to listen to music in general--

I was not making noises. I know I wasn't, I was making an effort not to

You were, you were doing this [demonstrates noise]

I was not doing that!

... (sinking into music)

SO you have NOTHing to talk about?! Nothing interesting or unusual happened at school?

No, I don't have anything in particular to talk about.

Leave me alone.

You're my friend but right now I can't stand your constant complaining fool, you do the same in your head, this is why you don't speak your thoughts out loud

I'm just running through the motions-- tired

STOP-- These feelings are wrong. Why can't you just decide to ignore this? You hate it, so don't feed into it.

More, so much more, but there are things to do...

twenty one pilots

Air Catcher

Trapdoor Nothing kills a man faster than his own head

Isle of Flightless Birds

Friend, Please

Johnny Boy

@mytwistedsoul

no feed

🌌?

We don't understand

You say you want to talk to us and we don't understand

You say you want to spend time with us and we don't understand

You say you'll be there for us but we don't understand and

You do sit there for us but we don't understand

Why would you want to be with us? Why would you want to care

We're fractured glass inside, fragments inside

Don't you understand

We'll cut you to the core?

Don't you understand

We'd have thought you'd see it before

Don't you understand

The darkened void inside

Don't you understand

There's nowhere we can hide--

Too late

It's not too late for you so why don't you just go?

We'd have thought you'd known

The trouble that waits below

Please run

Please leave

We don't want to hurt you

But we aren't always in control.... or are we?

Just say it, you know? Give the support you want to give-- and then it's not well thought out anyway, so the guilt comes in to say no, that was terrible, and you can't just try again. Why can't you focus on helping instead of yourself? Should I be focusing on myself though? Isn't that the point-- to work on healing? Healing from what, exactly? Nothing happened to you. You're just unhappy for some reason.

Forgot where I was going with this-- circuits are shorting out

A mile a minute, a mile a minute-- how about a light year a minute. Can't even keep track of the thoughts, let alone which are mine

What am I missing?

Trapdoor by twenty one pilots

Lmao— all stuff I would have put on my feed