Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
@mytwistedsoul
Look out for the vampires
@ThePizza LMAO! That post made me laugh! Lol - a vampire visited your thread! Not many people can say that M!
In a quest to be productive I'm struggling with getting the proper amount of sleep. A night with lots of homework? I go to practice and circut training (depending on the day) anyway. A night with less homework? I need to get far far ahead. Sleep comes after I finish the assignment-- no, I need to try and recognize how important it is. I need to be hydrated too-- I'm going to try and start drinking more water.
So I guess this is just a reminder to myself to try and get to bed earlier and to drink more water.
@ThePizza Hey M - Just wanted to check in. How are you?
How did it go yesterday?
We're sneaking up on Friday - Ninja style - Almost the weekend - woo hoo!
I hope you have a good day M.
Be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul
Not great but its fine I guess
sorry Im a bit scattered right now—
@ThePizza Not great isn't too fine. I mean of course you're allowed your feelings - what ever they are. But - Idk - Don't hide how you're feeling. Or think you have to.
Mine are alittle scattered today too - it's ok. There's just too much going on right now - yeah? Too many thoughts and feelings.
@mytwistedsoul
Too many is right— I forgot to mention this earlier but the last paragraph of your post on your thread… Im sorry you hear those things. Reading it was so familiar to me though– the same main point runs through my head all the time.
@ThePizza Thank you M
@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul
Too busy— not collected— Ill be there at some point today, yeah? Just give me a minute or a thousand—
I ended up going to bed super late last night— I had an assignment for school that I needed help with. I didnt even finish it and now I have to ask my teacher for help, which makes me pretty nervous.
I am not excited for the weekend; I have a lot of homework already, and not much time to do it— Im going to a swim meet in a different state. Its fun and all but I never have time to do homework.
I think Im also getting sick, which is fantastic timing… ugh.
@ThePizza Hey M - I just want to let you know I hear you. I'm sorry you're feeling so over whelmed between swimming and school work. Of course you'd probably like to have a life outside of those two things.
You can't do more than what you're doing. I know it's probably impossible to explain that to teachers of course. Because all they care about is the school work and usually - unless you're on a school regulated team they don't cut you any slack with homework.
I know it's hard - but -Idk - try not to push yourself so hard . You are doing the best you can - you can't give more than you allready are. There's only so many hours of the day - and you need some of those for sleep. Especially if you're getting sick.
Be gentle with yourself M.
My parents sprung one on me—
Apparently there was a cancellation at the counseling place so my first appointment is TODAY, not next week. Nervous
@ThePizza Oh wow M - Good luck! We'll be with you in spirit!
@ThePizza
There is something good in this, you actually have way less time to be nervous about it :)
Good luck! I hope it will be the begin on a amazing journey of self-discovery
@ThePizza
Hi M., I am thinking about you! How did it go with your therapist?
@admaiorasemper @mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser
Counselor/therapist was pretty good. I liked her a lot, which is sort of relieving— makes things less complicated if I dont have to switch early on. The beginning was a little weird, especially when she was asking questions about how I felt about each of my family members, but I answered more honestly than I thought I was going to, so yay? It was a little frustrating at times because I would forget a specific example or how to accurately describe something, but since including supposed to be meeting her weekly I dont think that should hinder anything. We talked a lot about sleep, lol, and different ways for me to get more of it (and other stuff too of course).
@ThePizza I'm glad you liked her M and it sounds like the first one went pretty well for you. That's great! I bet you feel pretty relieved now with the first one behind you. It kind of sucks when you forget to mention things but you're right - if you're seeing her every week - you'll get to tell her. If there's something important that you need to tell her or something you want to discuss - it helps to make a note for yourself for next time.
Well done M!
@ThePizza
It does sound as a positive experience, I am happy for you!
@ThePizza Hey M I just wanted to check in with you. How are you?
@mytwistedsoul
Not feeling great but— well its just that the past couple days have been pretty good but I still feel down. Maybe Im focusing to much on specific negative moments idk
Theres one thing on my mind that I cant shake— feelings on the matter tossed back and forth, yanked one way and then another— why are you even having these thoughts, stop it— such an insignificant little thing but its still getting to me
@ThePizza I'm sorry you're not feeling so great today M. Just because things are going good - doesn't mean that the depression goes away.
I can understand that and while part of you may feel it's insignifcant - that doesn't always mean that it actually is. If it's important to you but you're having mixed emotions about it. Idk it says something - doesn't it? I mean - if it's bothering you then it's important - ya know? Times like that - the thoughts become an obsession - always there - circling and circling. Drives you nuts - and if you can't find the solution - wow. Maybe writing it out - seeing it on paper. Maybe it would at least get it out of your head and allow you to look at it differently - or with a little more clarity.
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks, I think Ill end up writing about it and other things some point soon
When I find the time :/
@ThePizza Thinking of you M -
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
At the beginning of the year my history teacher said he was the assistant athletic director for the school. Im assuming thats why this happened yesterday:
Me: (wearing a swim shirt— I wear a lot of my teams shirts to school)
Teacher: Are you going out for the school team?
Me: No. (Pause) At least not this year, Ill probably do it next year
Teacher: (Looking annoyed/disappointed) Why.
Me: Um
Me: Because I dont have enough time
Teacher: (Dissmissive gesture)
Me: Well I need sleep
Classmate: (Jokingly) Eh, you dont need sleep, youll be fine!
Me: Haha no I do need sleep
Me: (Turns back around to see teacher walking away shaking his head)
Under the surface this is honestly still bothering me a little bit. I feel— guilty for not joining the team, like Im disappointing everyone when I dont do it for some reason. Even though I have every right to not do it, especially since its an extracurricular. I KNOW I cant handle anything else as it is; I already have my year round team, school, and homework, and I dont think adding to my activities is a good idea if Im already exhausted. And—its not like Id be a great or valuable asset to the team anyway. The boys won the state championship last year; its a pretty good team, and they cant only take the top 30 girls and top 30 boys from tryouts. Which, in part, is swimming the 50 Free for a time— thats not a good race for me. There are so many swimmers from both my year round team and others, and most of the ones from my team are on the elite track— the fasted track. Im in the challenge track, and often I feel I barely make the cut for that too. Plus, thats just the freshmen; a lot of them have older siblings who are also very fast. So no, I wouldnt be too significant a member of the team… I hate feeling guilty for this. Swim parents keep asking if Im doing it and when I say no they look all— disappointed. And angry. As if I dont have perfectly legitimate reasons for not trying out. And another thing that annoys me is when my friends act as though Im practically guaranteed a spot on the team— just because Im year round doesnt mean Im automatically going to get in, I tell my friends who dont swim competitively. They laugh it off and tell me Im super fast, of course I will— Im not super fast okay? Yeah maybe compared to you— but you dont swim year round. Some of them dont even swim on summer league. Even my year round friends do it, which is frustrating because youd think theyd understand my reasoning. But nope, theyll all just Youre not slow! Dude yes I am. You dont need to shelter me from that or anything, I KNOW. You of all people should understand that the elite track kids will make it, not me.
Sheesh
@ThePizza Hey M -
It must be frustrating for you that people just don't understand that you're allready giving what you can. Sleep is important - boy do I know that. It bothers me that the adults in your life seem to think it's ok for you to push yourself and be involved in more things you can handle. And to say you don't need sleep - crazy. Maybe if the teachers wouldn't give so much homework - ya know? I bet they wouldn't want you to not do the homework.
I imagine the guilt comes from feeling like you're letting people down? Not living up to their expectations? The thing is - you know yourself better then anyone else. You know what you can handle. It's good to see you sticking to your - convictions and that you aren't allowing them to guilt you or bully you into doing something just because it's what they want. You have to do what's best for you.
I hope you have a good day M. I hope you can find some time for yourself this weekend - do alittle self-care. Maybe just chill with a good book and some Starset tunes.
Be gentle with yourself M
@ThePizza