Scattered Thoughts

Hmm. So apparently my swim team does some sort of Swimmer of the Month thing— Im not aware of the details but my coach picked me for October. So. Thats good news I think. Im going to be interviewed tomorrow before practice.

Todays practice was really tough but I did well! Im happy about it— happy with the effort I put in. Thank goodness— I was worried about it, but I guess today was my day.

Also happy that we dont have school tomorrow. Itll be nice to sleep in and have extra time for homework.

@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul

Thank you again (wow Ive said that a lot lately but Ive meant it every single time)— Just now I was prepared to write some long, confusing post about my rising anxiety but Im feeling calmer now.

@ThePizza Hey M - I just wanted to say again how proud I am of you! I think it is so cool that you got picked for this. Plus with having a good practice - just awesome! Then with a day off from school - you needed a break - yeah? just to relax and wind down. Alittle you time.

I wanted to say too how awesome it is that you're finally getting to move a head with the counselor. But I can understand if it makes you nervous too. Tbh - my first appointment - I was scared to death. Because here you are going to this person and spilling out your thoughts - your heart and your soul . It's normal to feel that way - it takes time to feel comfortable opening up. Usually the first few visits are kind of spent just getting to know about you alittle. Most of them don't try to rush you. With that being said - um - I want you to know that it's ok too if you don't get along with them. If they make you feel uncomfortable or pushed - I mean - we as people don't always get along with everyone. It's ok and if you were given three diffrent ones to choose from - you may need to make changes. I had to do this myself with the therapist I had before Doc Z. That one just wanted to keep pushing and pushing - so I had to walk away and find someone else.

I guess the biggest thing is to go in with an open mind - let yourself be heard. But make sure you're comfortable with them too. Don't think you have to stay with someone - just because - it's easier or you're unsure - I think a good therapist guides - more than pushes.

I kind of feel I may be botching this - lol! Typical J style - yay me!

Sorry I got alittle long with the thoughts -

I first woke up with a ton of anxiety— still was pretty tired and I wish Id gone back to sleep, but anxiety pushed me to work on homework. Now depression is settling in again. Im tired of this, this stupid cycle.

Mainly Im just low on energy and lacking motivation.

Another satisfactory practice, even though it was freestyle day. There are definitely still areas where I want to improve (and should improve), but I've been trying to focus on giving myself credit for the small things too.

Swimming is tough; in many ways, it's the hardest sport out there. (I mean obviously I'm a little biased, anyone could make the argument that their sport is the hardest.) Physically, it takes a lot out of you. At practice you work to hone each stroke you take of every stroke to perfection; entering the water correctly, catching enough water to pull yourself forward, having a fast tempo and stroke rate, kicking, and for some strokes timing your kicks with your pulls, and perfecting your kicks in addition to your strokes. It's a lot to keep track of. And then you have your flipturns, breakouts, dives, finishes... these things we practice over and over, trying to be as quick and efficient as possible.

A huge, HUGE part of it is mental too. This ties in with all the technique we need to focus on and keep track of, but there's also another major objective here: pushing yourself to keep going through the pain. Pain is the body's way of signaling to you that you need to stop what you're doing before you injure yourself/injure yourself further, right? It's a warning, an alarm. In most cases, it is in our best interests to avoid pain, and the danger that causes it. But in swimming, you can't stop or slow down or rest or take a break. You have to keep going, somehow dig deeper and go even faster. For example, there was a point during the kick set today where my legs were on fire. I'm talking sharp pains on both sides, reaching from my calves all the way up my thighs and stopping at my hips. It was intense, yet I had to keep kicking. When you stop to think about it it's insane what we put ourselves through-- and yet we still do it.

And, of course, there is breath control. Not only are we competing in our sport, but we aren't supposed to BREATHE too much while we do this. Depending on the length of a race you're only supposed to breathe a few times (or try NOT to, for the really short ones), or to breathe in a pattern. When we work on breathing patterns, holding our breath, or strengthening our lungs during practice, we call it breath control. Breath control takes a lot of mental strength, too; telling yourself, I'm not going to breathe until I've done x amount of underwater dolphin kicks/gone x distance with my pullout, and y amount of strokes.

Swimming truly is a sport of concentration.

I have no idea why I felt the need to write this, lol. Just thought it could potentially be interesting. I think this is one of the longest posts I've written in a while, lol.

Yesterday turned out to be another good practice. Hopefully I can do the same today. I have a lot going on tonight and tomorrow morning but hopefully I

Things almost never seem to work out the way we want them too— why is that? Interactions with others, plans for productivity, goals we set for ourselves. Well, in the end, I suppose we all have our imaginations to keep ourselves company in the dark. Circumstances have twisted some more than others, but all feel the the affects, all are impacted individually in some way. For some people— for me (us? I don

I turn to a vampire any time i want to. i become a vampire because of how people treat me, this world is a wicked world and not fair to any body. at the snack of my finger things are made happened. am now a powerful woman and no one step on me without an apology goes free. i turn to human being also at any time i want to. and am one of the most dreaded man in my country. i become a vampire through the help of my friend who introduce me into a vampire kingdom by given me their email. if you want to become a powerful vampire kindly contact the vampire kingdom on their email (Removed by @River for sharing offsite contact information)

Lol - ok then - so not to judge or anything but *snickers*

@admaiorasemper @NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul

Thank you for your thoughts on my post last night