Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
Still tired and feeling depressed. Anxietys got a seat at the table too today, and anger. It frustrates me how the little things set me off— I try to move on, to not let it effect me, but it doesnt always work.
The need for isolation has been pretty strong lately. Even friends who Im very close to and would listen to me— I just feel a need to avoid them. Im guessing its partly my sleep deprived self getting irritated by people super easily, but I think it might also be because I dont want to taint people— I feel toxic.
I did talk to a friend a bit last night, and— I just, I dont know how Ill ever be able to talk to a counselor. It already felt super weird talking to one person, and I hadnt even opened up THAT much. It makes me feel vulnerable, and a little anxious too. I guess its different here, for some reason. In a way just our presence here is a flashing of our souls.
Guess thats all for now.
@ThePizza Hey M - It's a beautiful soul you're flashing here.
It does make you feel vulnerable - it's alittle awkward talk to a counselor at first but the sort of ask some questions and before you know it - things just start to come out. It get's alittle easier with time. The cool thing is - you don't have to worry about them repeating what you said to other people. It's all confidential. Makes it feel safer to open up.
I know Some times the anger I feel is what makes me feel toxic - do you think maybe it's the same for you? Of course there's all kinds of other contributing factors.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts -
@mytwistedsoul
Anger does make me feel toxic— not anger itself, but this specific anger, anger I feel towards the human race or a specific friend/person. Because I feel bad for being angry— keep telling myself to look from their point of view, what am I even angry about anyway— idk. The anger is still there. Some hopelessness too.
Is it all an oddity
Are we flakes of empty dust
Spinning on a ball of rust
Maybe
…
Is it all a tragedy
Are we flashes in a rut
Going in and out of luck
Maybe
(Other Worlds Than These— Starset)
@ThePizza I can understand - it's hard to look at things from other peoples when we aren't really sure what their point of view is. Anger sometimes seems almost like a double edged sword doesn't it? One side for the people we get angry with - the other for ourselves because we feel bad for being angry - whether it's justified or not. Idk - maybe that doesn't make sense. Idk - M - none of this is coming out the way I want it to
*another awesome song*
Oh boy— I can tell its going to be another one of those days. Then again, its been a couple of those WEEKS, so why should I start about it now? I dont want to get used to this.
If I dont feel the way a person feels about me— a direct family member— is it my duty to pretend anyway? Who deserves my love? *Snort* Or perhaps Im just the typical ReBeLlIoUs TeEnAgEr.
Sometimes I wonder if its a bad thing how easlily I can switch between my emotions sometimes. In the way of showing how I feel, that is. I can put up a pretty darn good act. Lately Ive been trying to make progress with— life, I guess? And its a constant back and forth battle between Theyre not understanding/making it worse/it feels wrong for them to know so act upbeat and you arent here for the convenience of others, show how you really feel.
Relating back to the second paragraph— sure, its good of them and all to tell me I should share things with them. But I will NOT do that if theyre just going to repeatedly be angry! Yes, I said my school day was horrible, as usual, because that HAS been the usual! Dont make an angry face, YOU ASKED! But fine. Fine! Youre not prepared to accept an answer you dont like? Then I wont tell you anything. Flowery language seems to be what you enjoy.
Anger. To lash out or not to lash out, that is the question. When did my patience become worn so thin?
Fog/…me??: And what the hell do you thing youre doing here?
Parents talked to me today about the counselor. They said they looked into the suggestions from my doctor and found a place they thought was a good fit. Over the weekend I'm going to read three different counselors' descriptions to pick one to start with.
@ThePizza I just want to say I think it's great that they finally were able to line a few up for you. And the fact that they are giving you a say - is just wonderful M. I'm just so glad this is moving forward for you
I know you're probably a little nervous about talking to someone about your problems. It takes time to get comfortable with someone - so thats kind of something to keep in mind. It took you alittle bit to open up here.
I hope you'll keep us posted on how it goes. We all want nothing but good things for you M.
Starting off on a good note today— trying to make it last
@ThePizza Hey M - Have a good day!
I had a lot written but deleted it. It didn't sound like me, but maybe I don't know myself as well as I thought.
The brian short-circuts. It needs a cable for a jumpstart, a chance to live again. Is it aware of all this? Not really. How could it be? Too much time was spent trying to block everything out that nothing can reach within anymore.
@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul @admaiorasemper
Im going to ask that you bear with me— lately Ive had a lot of post and panic situations. I feel that I often reply with my initial thoughts but when I reread posts I realize Ive missed the important things. I want to apologize for that.
@ThePizza No need to apologize for anything. As Ms. Wise said - there are many times when there is just too much going on in our heads to remember to cover everything. If it's really important, people will ask again or you can always touch base on it again when it comes to mind.
Disappointment in myself-- certain things I need to do better. Push harder, motivate, work hard, go all out, don't give up. Study as much as you can. All these rules I've created for myself that are actually good rules-- but I don't follow them. Whatever happened to self discipline? Where did it go? I'm tired of the anxiety too. That awful feeling in the gut where you just know you screwed something up or you won't be able to handle what comes next.
*Buzzing static*
I can't... I can't make sense of these thoughts. My thoughts--- Accept the fact, once and for all, that these thoughts belong to you. They are yours. You think them. But-- but they don't make SENSE, they just don't. And I can't even interpret them--- So what?? Just suck it up, deal with it. You think them, stop harping on and on about how this isn't you and blah blah blah who do you think BELIEVES that crap?
DOOOOOOOOoooooonn't
@ThePizza Hey M - sometimes with all those thoughts coming in at once - they can get alittle confusing. Sometimes it helps if you can take a moment to try and ground or calm yourself. You've still got a pretty full plate in front of you - with school and swimming and with an up coming appointment with a counselor - you're bound to feel alittle over whelmed. So of course the thoughts have to get over whelmed too.
Be gentle with yourself M and your thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks— this helped a little, actually. I dont often take the time to figure out WHY my thoughts have sped up or become more tangled. Maybe I should. Im glad you made it through today.
@ThePizza I'm glad I could help M.
It's kind of a learn as you go thing sometimes. It's easy to forget that there's thing we can do to just - Idk - fall back and re-group. Sometimes all the thoughts just sort of swarm at you. Sometimes things come out of no where and just swish everything around. Poor description probably. Like a blender - there we go. Just remember to take a pause - a deep breath - sometimes a few more. 5 things you can see - 4 things you can feel - 3 things you can hear - 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste - Just in case - sometimes I forget how it goes - although you could probably mix it up. Maybe just stick with 1 thing to taste though because - well - orange juice and toothpaste - OMG - Yuck.
Be gentle with yourself M - and your thoughts.