Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
Just in case— Trigger Warning
Not good. Practice was awful. Fog was very productive today, especially during that. Guilt— disappointment— disgust— tired. I very much want to h*rt myself. I very much deserve it.
To everyone in my offline life— leave me alone. Except for one person, you know who you are, yet dont. I want to talk to you and you always make everything seem a hundred times worse— yet a hundred times better at the same time. How?
Leave me to figure things out— no time. One block to the next, tick tick tick time is a bird with a lame leg, flying and crawling past. Dont give me that look, dont use that tone of voice— I want to snap at you. Stop. Let me breathe. No its a fifty all out you only get to breathe two or three times. STOP THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE COMMENTS. YOU MAY BE THE AUTHORITY FIGURE BUT YOU DONT KNOW ME AND YOU NEVER WILL.
@ThePizza *Just sitting with you M*
Some of you are near and some of you are far— one of you is right next to me at times. I miss you, come back. Or was it me that traveled forward? I
@ThePizza Hey Mere - I just wanted to check in with you this morning. It sounds as though you're dealing with alot of conflicting thoughts and feelings. Just a gentle reminder - you can always take a pause - drop the rope for a moment or two.
I was glad to see you make use of your space here and vent. Hopefully it helped with getting it out. You don't deserve to hurt M - no one does. But I really do understand the thinking behind it.
You have so much on your plate - with home - school and swimming. It must leave you feeling very overwhelmed. I know you said your parents are still looking into a counselor for you - I hope they're able to find one for you soon.
We're still here for you M - always. Sometimes we may not be able to offer more then to sit with you - sometimes it take alittle to find the right words. But we'll always listen.
Be gentle with yourself M - and your thoughts
Close off the walls. Bar the door, board the windows. Theres knocking at the door. See the cool mist of Fog through the peephole? Dont let him in. Hit the button— survival mode. Turn the dials of the senses down. Underobserve. Avert. Avoid. Ignore (pretend not to notice?). Focus, there is work to be done. Go through the motions without the emotions. Dont feel.
You lie.Who is Fog, after all? No one. No, he isnt seeping through the cracks. Wasnt it oh so convenient when you believed it to be true? When you believed you were two separate beings? No. Same person, same flaws— lying to yourself wont do any good. Accept the vileness.
So.....never thought Id say this, but Im in a really deep dark hole My health is going to crap, my best friend disappeared for two weeks, and then got so upset that I tried to find her (she was in a mental hospital) that she told me that if I ever contacted her again, shed put up a restraining order. Ive been best friends with her for 5 years now. And have done everything I can to help her. My heart is so broken, that Ive made some really dark decisions.
@Noonespyscho I'm sorry to hear about your friends reaction. Do you think it could maybe be embarrassment over where you found her? Or that maybe what ever she's going through could have made her react in such a way? I'm sorry for the questions. Sometimes it's hard to think clearly when we're suffering through things. Hopefully with time her thinking will change.
@Noonespyscho
I guess the most important thing right now is your health. You have to take care of yourself no matter what. Just give yourself a break and dont feel guilty about it.
I cant imagine what youre going through with your best friend. That must be tough, its hard I know but youve been friends for 5 years. I think you just have to be patient. Do what you see fits, after all, you know you best. And since youre her best friend you know her well too. So try to put yourself in her shoes and understand why shes feeling this way. I wish you all the best and hope your friend gets better.
The past couple days I've constantly been feeling tired and sad--- guess the depression is back again. Of course, there are things to combat the tiredness at least: more sleep. But somehow I'm just not motivated to work at a fast pace and get to bed. I'm kind of out of it I guess.
I think I've been doing a little better with just saying my thoughts on a subject matter instead of agonizing over what people are expecting to hear or want to hear. It's been kinda nice, actually, and those are the conversations that in the end feel most genuine. I haven't mastered the concept of it, not by a long shot, but I'm working on it.
Music-- what a soul saver.
Lonely, I guess. Yet at the same time I'd also rather be alone.
@mytwistedsoul
I finally listened to DIVISIONS and-- wow, just wow. It's SO GOOD
@ThePizza Hey M - I'm glad you finally got a chance to listen to it. I hoped you'd like it. I thought it was pretty good too!
I hope you have sometime for yourself this weekend - a chance to recharge and relax.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
sh for the first time in a while yesterday. too tired to feel upset about it
@ThePizza Hey M - I'm sorry to hear this - but I understand. It was very brave of you to admit it. I'm sorry you're feeling so tired - we're here for you. You're not alone
*just sitting with you*
@ThePizza Hey M - I need to apologize to you. This has been working on me for alittle - my post to you this morning. I should have took a pause and got my head straight.
What Wise said is true - you're still the same person we've been talking to for so long. The same amazing person with great taste in music - the same amazingly smart person who see's things in ways that most people don't. The same person with such a full plate right now. I know you have gone a long time without harming and I am so proud of you. I've admired your strength for a long time. You are brave - for starting this thread - for using your voice. For sharing your thoughts here.
I appreciate you M - I have for a long time. You were the first person to really come around - I remember that long post you had with all those distractions - I was so touched by that - by you. Idk - maybe you don't know just how wonderful you are. You really showed me who you are - with taking that time to do that for me. I should have took time this morning to do a more thoughtful post - for that I am sorry.
I hope things are feeling alittle less over whelming for you today. You're in my thoughts.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. You still rock M - always.