Scattered Thoughts

@NoneTheWiser I am kinda proud of you and your realization-- I'm glad to know you'll try to put yourself first. I just wanted to let you know I understand that means you may not respond to posts right away or have lengthy, well thought out answers all the time-- I mean, those are things I worry about at least. I think you do too, but I don't want to make any assumptions... anyway, I believe in you! You'll do this well. :)

I'm a little frustrated because I've wanted to write out my thoughts for a while on here, but I haven't had the time nor the energy to think through what I want to say. Still feeling the urge to write SOMETHING, which is why this exists I guess. Yep, brain is too foggy and tired to concentrate properly.

Honestly Im so so so tired. Im so tired I dont think I truly feel how tired I am. So the beginning of this summer I was 169 pounds and am 53 F. One day it was like a switch, I just wanted to track everything I ate and lose weight before school started. First I was eating about 800 cals a day, and then it went down to 200-400. One day I felt faint, ate some more than usual maybe 1000 cals, felt horrible and decided maybe I should stick to 600. After a few weeks I lost weight, and feeling good. My mom mentioned how good I was looking. This was crazy to me because In the past she loved to call me Gordita or say that Im going to be ugly if I continue to gain weight. And well the low calories became a sort of addiction. I was so happy when I hit 140 because it meant I wasnt overweight anymore. But I want to lose more, I want to get to at least 110. Currently Im having 500 cals a day. Im at 137ish and determined. I make sure that the meals I make are low cal but includes veggies and tofu. But Im scared, Im afraid of calories and weight. I dont know how to continue losing weight but increase my calories, or when I reach my goal weight, how do I increase my calories without gaining weight. Im so scared about that.

Ive been trying to make more of an effort to incorporate things that will help my mental health into my life, and so I decided I should write down stuff Ive dropped the rope for. Most of it so far has been little stuff but its still progress to not be regretting events anymore.

Ropes Dropped:

Problem solving for V— Im going to stop trying to find solutions to all his problems. Even though I hate seeing him suffer he doesnt like it when I try to to help with every little thing. Ill still support him but only offer help when he needs it. (V, wow, code within code within code)

SMART Lunch for English— for school our lunch is split into two halves, A and B, and for each subject, twice a week there is a certain block of lunch we can go in and work on work for the class or get help to bring our grades up. They want us going to four per class per quarter, and two should be before interims (given out halfway through the quarter). My English teacher gives us an extra point on our worst minor grade for every tutorial we come to, and we can get an extra fifth point if we come two before and tow after interims. Because of missing school and other things I dont think Ill be able to get to two before interims, meaning I loose the fifth point. But Im dropping the rope on that so its okay (yeah some of these are really really small things)

Student Council and Swim Team— I cannot fit these into my schedule (swim team meaning the school team). Im not going to agonize over these decisions, but try to remind myself that I couldnt fit it in- and that I was only going to do student council because a relative wanted me to anyway. (I kinda got tired of it after middle school and all)

Small Mental Victory— today was freestyle day, which is the hardest practice for me mentally. Sure, Im not the greatest at some of the other strokes, but at least most of the time I feel Im going all out. But with freestyle, I have to remind myself to do each underwater, to pull each pull the proper way, to have a steady kick. Then Fog comes in and tries to steal all my self worth. Today I was able to kick him out, for the most part, and Im trying to firmly drop the rope of feeling bad about certain instances where I could have gone faster. This battle I won, at least.

Hopefully I can continue to leave these ropes on the ground in the future.

I

Something random I wrote just now

Weaving its way through my mind, it beckons

The idea there

A release of some kind; if only

It wouldnt raise more questions from others.

You think I want attention? Far from it, or at least, I dont want it from you.

Its purpose is to hide me away so that only those willing to look can see me.

It doesnt come from anger, or sadness, or pain, but from the lack of it, the lack of anything at all.

Judge me all you want but these marks arent the ones that matter.

The ones that do are hidden along the linings of my soul;

And it was not I who cut there, but you.

Stuck, unable to write AGAIN. Just a few minutes ago I thought that I was able to articulate everything, but I guess that I cant. Im stuck inside myself and I dont even know what Im saying anymore what is this post? Agh emotional agony, my dear friend. Guess its time to have late lunch with Fog again— this should be fun. The thought keeps coming back and while I dont understand it I want to bleed red. Welp what a night huh? Who am I talking to anyway? Wow this has been a train wreck

Hey M - How are you?

Saw this - the ducks - well it made me think of you. Just a reminder of how awesome you are.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@ThePizza You are awesome M. I know you've probably got alot going on with school and swimming. Not a day goes by though that you don't pop into my head.

I hope things are still going ok with the new coach. I hope you still like your teachers and your classes too!

Be gentle with yourself M and your thoughts

I had the words in my head but lost them-- still, I'll give it a shot.

Today was freestyle day at practice, which is definitely the hardest day for me mentally. I almost had an anxiety attack during the kick set, but luckily I calmed myself down by repeating stuff in my head. Thank goodness it didn't happen during the main set though.

I'm really frustrated right now because I had a lot more to say than just that, but it's all left my mind. Gone. Probably hiding away in some corner of my mind to become heavier and drag me down later. I wish I could just let it out, ya know? Can't when I don't know WHAT to let out though.

hhhhhnnnngh