Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
One habit I am trying to break is my instinct to justify my actions to others-- covering my bases again. I don't need to; I know the reasons for my actions and the judgement of others means nothing. It is enough.
@ThePizza I need to borrow this page from you. It's a hard habit to break
@mytwistedsoul
Im not quite sure what you mean by that, lol
@ThePizza Just that I need to do what you're doing.
Acknowledge that I don't need to justify my actions and that the judgment of other's means nothing. Idk - it sounded better in my head earlier.
@mytwistedsoul
Oh yeah— youre welcome anytime. My brain was probably fried from practice, lol
@ThePizza For some reason Twenty One Pilots - Chlorine just popped into my head
@mytwistedsoul
You have no clue how often my friends and I have made that joke 😂 Seriously swimmers accidentally swallow so much water during practice its really gross
@ThePizza Guess you don't need to drink water outside the pool then huh?
@mytwistedsoul
Not really, you
@ThePizza Oh yeah that wouldn't be good. So practice has been all right?
@mytwistedsoul
Thankfully so far Ive really enjoyed it— I havent felt nearly and anxious about it as I did last season. Although that could change easily; we are starting with the easy stuff. Ill have to see
@ThePizza That's great hear - although I do understand it could change. But try to just enjoy the moment for now and hopefully the new coach will ease into the tougher stuff.
@mytwistedsoul
So far he
@ThePizza That's really great! I know you were worried about him because he was new
I have many things on my mind-- and none of the right words. I've tried to write this several times, let's see how this one goes.
Even though I said there is a lot on my mind, I can't quite grasp it; I don't know exactly what my emotions ARE, only that I'm having them. Confused? Me too.
I'm having conflicting thoughts about a certain person-- not someone here, someone offline-- and I can't figure it out. Some things I want to say-- but I can't. I shouldn't. What do they think of me? I don't know. And I don't know what I think of them, either. They say first impressions matter, but its the hundreds of impressions after that can stick with you. What to do? I don't know.
I'm phyiscally and mentally tired, but at the same time I feel the urge to get moving, go somewhere-- a nervous energy, probably. I don't know exactly what I'm anxious about but I have a couple ideas.
Starlight again. Don't know if it means what I think or not.
Still wishing I could stuff certain things-- certain thoughts-- in a box and set it on fire. I think an exorcism is in order
Anxiety is on high alert yet still just barely under the surface. Feeling restless and trying to give off the message of "stay away"-- I can't handle others right now. I want to run far, far away, see how long I can make it on my own. Nothing terrible has happened, just, I don't know... I guess some freedom would be nice. I want to get out, get out, get out.
@ThePizza Hey M - I hear you. Let's take a breath or two.
I hate that feeling. I found the best thing for that is some sort of physical activity - ugh - I know - right? Even just walk - take your tunes - It's good way to block out the world - so yeah - you have to have tunes. Do you think some of the restlessness comes from not having that routine you had earlier in the week?
Or could it be your thoughts? Idk - maybe that sounds weird - Idk - it seems some times as though I feel I need to just get away from them. Which is hard to do. So um - sometimes you need to set them down. Just for a bit - the emotions you don't understand right now. Look at the emotions you do know and understand. There's a chance that in by looking at those first you might be able to figure out the one's you don't. Wow - does that make any sense? I may have managed to confuse myself with this. *sshh - it's not that hard*
@mytwistedsoul
Bike was flat and the pump wasn't working so I walked instead. I even ended up running a little bit too. My head is still Foggy and confused but I do feel calmer. It was nice to get away from everything for a little while
@ThePizza I'm glad the walk helped to calm you. It is always nice to get away like that - just a little down time. No one asking for anything or telling you anything. It's just you. Sorry to hear that you still feeling a little foggy. Does it help you focus to talk to us here? Or maybe to read or even writing things out. Or do you think it's because you're tired? I know a few days ago you said something about not getting enough of sleep.
@mytwistedsoul
I still have trouble focusing and nothing seems to change that. But it is helpful to talk here, even when I have no clue what Im saying, lol. Its very easy to not have to be fake with you and Wise and a couple others here, which is one of the reasons Im drawn to this place.
I normally dont get much sleep because of homework and swimming, but lately its been more than that. I have my reservations about falling asleep (well deep sleep and death are concepts that unsettle me but thats not the issue here) because of how little control I have of my thoughts in that time. And also its just tedious because it takes such a long time and the entire time Im thinking gotta get to sleep I need sleep ahhh I have to get up early tomorrow— a way of thinking that apparently is signs of my anxiety, my mom told me. Either way sleep does not come easily, and I worry a lot about the negative impacts on my physical and mental health, and my concentration and memory.
Also I stay up too late when I COULD be getting extra sleep on the behalf of others— more on that later too
I
@ThePizza I hear you M. Just sitting with you
(Frustrated sigh) I'm not quite sure if saying that I want to "kill some of my thoughts" is a sign that I'm in a crisis but whatever-- guess I won't have a description of my thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul I hope you're feeling okay. Try to be lenient with yourself, yeah? We're still sitting with you, still ready to listen. But also, take as much time as you need.
@ThePizza Hey M - I just wanted to thank you for sitting with me. Thank you too - for your patience and understanding. I had some stupid reference to Hermione here but I deleted it.
I just want you to know - you've been really great at writting things out here in your space. There's alot of thought that goes into what you write. You truly are an amazing person.
What Wise said - it's hard - the drop the rope - but it does help. Sometimes just set it to the side. Even if it's for an hour or a day. You can always go back to it.
Stay awesome M - be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul
I'll always be sitting with you, even if I'm in ninja mode. I'm glad that I made even the smallest of differences for you.
Um- thank you- lol! Haha sometimes I feel like I'm spewing random thoughts in all directions- guess I'm a writer at heart.
Thanks for reminding me that even temporarily dropping the rope is better than never doing it at all. I can automatically get into the mindset of "all or nothing", which probably contributes to making everything seem harder and worse off than it actually is. At least I've been getting better at being gentle with myself, for the most part.
thanks
@ThePizza Hey M - sometimes it helps to spew those random thoughts. Sometimes in getting them out - we find that they're not so random after all. Just smaller pieces of a bigger puzzle - if that makes sense. Everything is sort of inter - connected.
It's not hard to get stuck in the all or nothing thinking. I think we all do sometimes and then it gets over whelming and we kind of panic - because OMG - what do we do? What do we deal with first? That when we have to set something aside. We can't do it all at once.
I am so glad to hear you're learning to be more gentle with yourself. I know how hard that can be - especially when we have that all or nothing mentality going. Because sometimes it makes us feel as though we're failing or not living up to expectations. Then we end up beating ourselves up and it kind of starts a downward slide. The thing to remember is we can only do so much. There's only so much we can give to other people. We can't keep giving to the takers. It has to be a two way street. *I kind of think I'm rambling now* And I really need to listen to my own word - lol!
Be gentle with yourself M - Thank you for all the times you've sat with me - in Ninja mode or not. You still rock!
Heart break...the worst ever..
I give up on finding anyone now..its an uphill battle
@MummaK
I am sorry you are feeling this way. I hope things get better for you-- I still think you will find someone
@ThePizza...it's too complicated...🙄
@ThePizza
The complication is that I am unwell...for 12 years.
I have a relapsing/remitting neurological disorder.
No-one wants someone that cant keep up. Someone that might be 'o.k' one day and bedbound the next.
I have given up on dating. It's too hard.
