Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
@ThePizza Hey M - Just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul
Thanks for sitting here. It means a lot
@ThePizza Of course M - anytime and always. You're a very special person to us here. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help here
@mytwistedsoul
To answer the question on your thread-- I'm happy to update you.
School has been alright so far. Waking up early again is tough but I'm managing. I like all my classes and teachers so far-- there's a definite improvement here from my last school, at least for me. Swimming has started up again, and even with everything that's happened I've been enjoying it so far. Although, this is the beginning of the season; we're starting out easy. Things will get much harder later. Luckily my new coach is much better than I thought he would be, so at least there's that. R and I go to the same school now so we get to hang out at lunch, which is fun. Mentally I'm feeling a bit foggy-- not Fog, just sleep deprived, which is normal for school. That's probably a bad thing... whelp. Well, I guess Fog has been trying to creep in too, but I've mostly been able to ignore him.
I've been thinking a lot about the person-- I really wish he would leave everyone alone. And yet I still feel some sympathy for him. I've wondered a few times, if I talked to him, could I find a way to explain how his words and actions are hurtful to others? Maybe I could help him... from what I've seen from talk of him, people don't seem to think that could work. Then again, those are the people who have clashed with him time and time again-- I've only ever witnessed and interacted with him when he was being civil. Still gave me a weird feeling; but the point is, I haven't seen his attacks, only the damaged. Maybe he really can't be reasoned with.
@ThePizza Hey I'm glad school has been good so far. I'm glad you like your classes and your teacher's. I think liking your teachers is half the battle. It's hard to have to spend time with them every day if you can't stand them.
You like your new swim coach! Yay! Lol - sorry - wait - you said he's better than you thought he would be. That's good though too - yeah?
I've been wanting to ask how things were going with R. I'm glad you get to hang out together at lunch. I know you had said a while ago that you only really got to see them at swimming and then it was kind of hectic. It must be nice to hang out in a more relaxed setting.
I'm glad you've been able to ignore Fog. You really don't need to deal with him right now. Idk - for som odd reason garlic popped into my head. But Fog isn't a vampire so - lol - not sure where that came from.
I wish I knew what to say about this person. We have to call him that because of not knowing who he actually is and his name always changes in here. I guess I'm explaining it that way because he had made a comment to Wise about being called "that person" By right's I can't tell you what to do - but I would um - suggest to maybe stay away from them. As Wise said - we did try to talk with them to see if we could make peace some how. While they were fine for a while, things went down hill and then escalated. He went off on me the other night and I'm still unsure why. Maybe I didn't give the attention or credit he wanted or felt he deserved. I've decided to leave it alone. I will defend myself again though if he decides to attack me like that again.
You've got a really good heart M - to want to reach out to him. I'm proud of you for that. You really are an amazingly wonderful person.
I'm suddenly feeling very tired and irritable. I kinda wish I was the only one in the house right now-- everyone else is getting on my nerves for no reason. I guess it could all circle back my lack of sleep, couldn't it? I know I need to sleep a lot more than I do-- but I always have a difficult time falling asleep; it usually takes a few hours. And I hate just sitting there in the dark, waiting for sleep to come. That's when the unpleasant thoughts come in, and I don't feel like dealing with those. So I while away the time reading or listening to music. When I do these things I usually push myself to keep doing them until I'm exhausted, so that I can fall asleep relatively quickly and avoid the mess. I know those things keep me awake, but I'd rather pass the time doing those things than dealing with intrusive thoughts. I'm pretty sure that's what they are anyway.
No no no no no not this again
Haha self hatred is back everyone- yaaaaaaaay. Along with the urge to lash out at people, to say things without making sure it won't be hurtful. If only I could lash out at myself more
I was talking to R about school shootings-- they always upset him deeply-- and I told him about how frustrated I am with myself that I never seem to care enough. I care-- I wish school shootings never happened-- but inside I feel nothing. He said something about empathy fatigue... if I have empathy fatigue NOW, I don't know how I would survive without it-- I think I would wear armor again and destroy myself.
I guess I have a lot on my mind right now
@ThePizza I'm going to agree with Wise on this one. This is a great place for you to vent and get things out of your head. This is your safe place - come as you are. Definitely no judgment here.
Come as I am— dont want to scare anyone, lol.
Well, some awesome people have stuck around :)
@ThePizza Not scared a bit! *offer's you a s'more*
@mytwistedsoul
*Gladly accepts* Wow, you
@ThePizza I've been praticing - thank you. How are you feeling M? A little better?
@mytwistedsoul
I wish so much I could say yes. I was— not now. Nope nope
@ThePizza Well that's ok M. I'm sorry to hear that your don't feel ok right now. But it's all right that you don't.
Do you want to talk about it? It's ok if you don't - we can just sit here and eat s'mores. We're here for you if you need us - ya know?
@mytwistedsoul
I
@ThePizza I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm glad to hear that it past quickly. Do you think it's related to this person?
No worries M - it's all good.
Feeling kind of restless. Stuff I need to get done but I can't quite bring myself to do it-- I have time, right? Wrong, the hours have flown by and I'm still stuck in the same place where I was before. Too much going on in my head. My thoughts have thoughts, and those have thoughts of their own too. Is it normal, to constantly be arguing with yourself? Why do some of these thoughts even occur? I don't want them and they aren't welcome but they keep on coming. No, I don't want to think about that now, or ever-- go away please. What are my thoughts and what are just the thoughts I imagine others are having? No, that is quite right-- how do I explain this? For now at least I'm less distressed about the whole thing and more confused and irritated. I'm supposed to be me, right? So why don't I recognize my own thoughts (how can these be MY thoughts)? Sigh, I repeat myself too often. Can't explain anything properly, and judged for trying. Not here but offline. Worn tracks in my mind-- circling, trying to break the cycle, but I'm stuck.
@ThePizza Hey M - I know it's not funny but I did chuckle a little because wow - your head sounds like mine. Sometimes the thoughts seem to just multiply. They build and build - it ends up making your head feel so full. They jump around and skirt each other. Sometimes the thoughts stay with us because there seems to be no clear resolution - no solution - or answers. Sometimes it's just so hard to explain. They get stuck on repeat.
I haven't quite figured out how to stop myself from this. Sometimes a distraction helps - sometimes the thoughts themselves are the distraction and you can't focus on anything else.
You're not alone
