Scattered Thoughts

@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul

Hey, do either of you know what the DJ Taglist thing is about?

@ThePizza - Hey M Just wondering how you are. Starset has some new songs out. Have you heard them yet? Pretty good!

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@ThePizza Just a quick - Hey How are you M? Just wanted to let you know - you're in my thoughts. I hope it hasn't been to difficult getting use to the new school year.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser

Im sorry. I havent been replying to your posts and its been bugging me. Mostly because Im super busy but also at times I just dont feel up to it. I think theres an isolation factor too. Its taken a lot out of me so far to balance school and swimming, and Ive felt really drained and irritable. So I just wanted to let you know that Im still here, Im still listening. Still sitting with you, holding a candle. Again, Im sorry.

Nothing hurts more than sitting in the silence of your own thoughts.

So we have choices, yeah? And these choices lead to different circumstances.
1. Stick to our values and be accepted by others for it.
2. Stick to our values and be punished or hurt (whether physically, verbally, or emotionally) for it.
3. Stick to our values at first, but change in a particular situation to have the same values as the potential punisher.
4. Stick to our values at first, but change in a particular situation to have the same values as the potential punisher. But then the punishment is carried out anyway and we are hurt in some way (physically, verbally, emotionally).

Isolation has been keeping me away lately but Im kind of getting tired of it. I feel really bad, not replying to posts and such. I want to help, but I never seem to have the energy to reply thoughtfully or helpfully, the way I want to. I had been feeling a little less empty lately but now the negativity and uncertainty has come crashing back down. So many regrets. So many responsibilities; so many friends I want to talk to but I never do. I sit here missing them but never reach out to make contact. (Do they even miss me? How could they? Why would they want to talk to me anyway) Not much makes sense anymore. I guess the noise in my head is getting louder. There are important things I need to do but— I guess I just dont care as much as I should. That will come back to haunt me later, though. Sometimes I wish my thoughts werent my thoughts. Adopting the style of others— no, I need to stop impersonating. I cant— it just feels like I talk with the same style as others when Ive been talking to them for a while. And then I want to express things the same way— no. Just no.

I cant shake these midnight thoughts when Im alone

Latch onto my brain theyre never letting go

So I start making friends with the noise in my head

And all these midnight thoughts when Im alone

Under the surface Ive been feeling angry lately I guess. Ugh— did I really just work myself into a depressive state? How lovely, now I can fit in with the rest of everyone who suffers. Cause a problem for myself instead of working to fix things, to feel better, cope better. Instead Ill just invite it in like an old friend. (Again with adopting styles— cut it out, me.)

Well at this point Im just talking to myself— sorry to anyone reading this.

I want to talk to my friends but at the same time I feel the urge to push them away, you know? Why are you looking at me— tense body language, distancing myself— that sort of thing. I regret it later but still miss them.

I already dread the sympathy this post will generate. My friends here— the people I trust— I know youre going to come and read this and tell me helpful things and I really appreciate it— but not now, okay? Wow— Im really lashing out today— Just leave me here; too late anyway, Im friends with the noise in my head

I

Well darn NOW it goes through

Something is wrong— I feel sick inside. Dangerous to talk to me