Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
Not sure exactly what I should start with… this will probably be all over the place.
Um… I guess Ill just jump right in with my issues? (Who am I talking to right now anyway?)
So I am a year round swimmer, and while right now were on our two week break, the new season is coming up. And I have to decide whether or not I want to continue with this sport.
My options:
-Stay on the team and continue the sport
-Begin the season, then see where I stand after a few practices
-Move down to the lowest track (there are three, and Im in the middle one right now)
-Fully quit and leave the sport
-Leave the sport and consider coming back to it later
Augh— I just— I just dont know. I love swimming, I think? Im TERRIBLE at it, no I dont care what anyone else says; for a year round swimmer, I am slow. And because of this, I just havent been enjoying it as much. In fact, its caused a lot of stress and anxiety for me. I hate going to practices and I hate going to meets. I just dont know if its worth it anymore. Practices take up a good chunk of my day; I have to fit in homework, meals, and sleep— heh, Im pretty sleep deprived all the time.
Plus, I just found out that Im going to have a different coach. My old coach was THE BEST COACH at the place— which is saying a lot. The new coach—he definitely knows the sport, and will surely give good advice and coach us well. But hes just— a lot less tolerant and a lot less approachable.
Im filled with dread at the thought of returning to swimming. And yet— its a big part of who I am. Having a sport is a big core of my identity…
I dont know what to do.
@ThePizza I say quit and maybe come back to it later. I had a similar situation with my last job, and I walked away with my dignity and contacts intact. I say you do the same. I wasnt enjoying it, and I left and I have zero regrets. And now Im ready to jump right back in.
@ThePizza the answers lie in what you wrote...approching swimming profesionally in a "team" with "couches" takes the fun out of it. An activity is no longer fun when it becomes competitive, if you keep looking right or left you will allways be unhappy because there will allways be someone better than you.
Look at the Mexican cliff divers in Acapulco
https://youtu.be/ZtxFNsh68iI
These guys just like me had no formal training in their lives, just like me, they only hava a passion.
No one trained me to be a free diver and I was a very good one.
I dare any of your coaches or team colleagues to jump from bridge heights like we do or search for me in the depths...
It is not about performance but passion and fun and soing smth that you like not smth competitive but smth that gives you satisfaction in itsekf, in doing it...
Swimming is my love and I swam with only one hand when my other hand was paralysed...because water is and was my love...i just lost herand she abandoned me...
I like your little insightful corner...
@floreral67
I can see where youre coming from with the competition thing. I dont completely agree, though I do think youre right about my situation. Its good advice to only do something youre passionate about; Ill have to think about that.
Thanks for your insight
@ThePizza if you love water you know you can float on her embrace without moving and feel one with her in her currents and embrace not a clinical swimming pool where you are in an artificial environment, a pawn and a victim of ambition and competition...I prefer to be a free fish not a fish in a tank...
@ThePizza Hey You! Nice place - I'm sorry I should have brought a house warming gift.
I understand alot of your stress does come from swimming. But you like sports. Are there any other sports that might catch your interest? Idk - Maybe see how you feel after your break. Maybe check out the coach and then maybe try a few practices. It's a tough decision. The best you can do is go one day at a time.
@mytwistedsoul I like alot the thong with the house warming gift, that is so nice🤗, I thank you for her for begining nicely like that :)
@mytwistedsoul
Hi! Glad you like it :) No gift required
I might end up trying a few practices and then seeing how I feel as you suggested, not sure yet. I cant really think of any other sport I would want to do, though probably I would find something if I actively searched and tried out different stuff. It would be nice if I could continue swimming while I was looking for another sport, but— theres no way I could reasonably fit it in.
@ThePizza Hey Hi! I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed. You do have an awful lot of choices and decisions to make.
The important thing is to do what feels right to you. Don't do things just because you feel it's what others want or expect. I know you still have parents to deal with so there has to be some compromise with that I'm sorry to say.
I can understand not having time to explore other things. You said with swim practice and home work there isn't a whole lot of time. I know that you're busy! I can understand why you would feel so overwhelmed. I'd be overwhelmed too as full as your days are.
I think ( just my opinion of course) that you should declare today your day. Use today to take a break and just focus on doing things you want to do. Read or watch movies or sleep or just do nothing. Take the day to enjoy your free time. Especially with school right around the bend. Of course we support you no matter what! Because you really are awesome!
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you. I think I can finally make the rest of the day mine
@ThePizza That's great that you get to have some down time. I hope you enjoy your free time and get to do things just for yourself. A self care day. You deserve one, you've been so busy this summer!
@ThePizza
i really couldn't tell you what to do; you know you best and if I give you any advice without fully knowing the situation it could affect you in a negative way. However, in a situation like this, for me I would quit the sport and see if I want to return to it later, if you're sure that the coach is changing then make sure to attend practice some times to know where you stand, if you still feel the way you feel or worse then quit. If having a sport in your life is important to you, search for another sport, I can guarantee that you'd be a lot better at a sport you never knew you were good at because you never tried. Hopefully everything gets resolved and you know what to do. I wish you all the best
ps: please don't take my advice if you don't feel like this could possibly help you. I just said what I would do if it was me, for all I know we're very different and you're nothing like me. So again, please reconsider and think a lot about your options
There is an old psychological (Carkuff Method) exercise I remember from my studies called "Facing the Dread," that might be helpful for you.
When a client would come to me with an issue they were dreading, and not knowing the best way to handle things, it went like this:
Client: I'm dreading going back to practices and I don't know what to do.
Me: Well imagine you go back. How woul you feel?
Client: Stressed out.
Me: And what would you do?
Client: Go to practices.
Me: And how would you feel?
Client: Mad and tired.
Me: And what would you do?.........
Essentially it's a repeated back and forth of "what would you do," and "how would you feel" until the client gets to a place where they either recognize that going back to practices would be the wrong choice, OR they come to a place that they recognize there is really nothing seriously to fear.
I hope that might help. 🍀
Im feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Theres so much I need to do but Im quickly running out of time. I wish I could gather up the motivation to start completing these tasks, but I dont feel like starting any of them. I also kinda wish that my family would leave me be for a day or two— just so that I could do things at my own pace, my own way, without being interrupted by things they want to do that day.
Maybe today I can finally get things going. I hope I can follow through with my plans, anyway.
@ThePizza Starting is the most difficult thing but once ypu get "the engine going" it goes like clockwork :) . Yes it is difficult to follow ypur own personal agenda when in an environment with other people like family. Such is life, made of compromises, improvisations and a slalom of opportunities for self time...good luck, I wish you find the break window that you need now ;) to carry out ypur own things in peace.
@ThePizza
Hi there! Just wanted to say hello. I am here reading and listening, hope you don't mind it
@admaiorasemper is a good friend @ThePizza...just like tge other two that answered you before...These people like private safe corners and jornal diary like writings and they are like you in this respect. You instantly surrounded ypurself by the greatest friends ever who understand and respect your corber even if you named it touchily like you did. All these three people they share the same thing...having their safe place to talk...maybe they chose you to be their forth muschetteer...
P.S. as a joke before I discovered calzzone my fav pizza was the simple margueritta...
Today was not great. I had motivation to work on things in the beginning, but I was sidetracked and by the time I could get back to it I was feeling tired and depressed. Thinking about all that I still have left to do is still stressing me out, yet I still can
@ThePizza It can be frustrating when you get sidetracked. It kind of makes you feel like you've fallen bhind and you need to pick up the pace to catch up. Before long you feel totally overwhelmed. You're doing the best you can right now. Wise is right - Sometimes it's best to just let it rest for the night and try again tomorrow. It doesn't all have to be done in one day.
Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. We're here for you.
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks, J. I
@ThePizza You're welcome.
That's all you can do - We can ask for anymore than that.
I may have already said this but lately Ive felt disconnected within. Always tired and stressed. Well I know Ive talked about being stressed, and Ive been told great ways to help this and yet here I am. Honestly that might be because I dont have the motivation to work to make things change. I guess there are just some things you need to get done, you know? Just double down and do it already. Im having a rough time with that.
Thoughts. Of course most of them are unwanted and yet I just cant seem to drive them away. The past couple days Ive felt— strange. Unbearable emotional pain, and yet Im not feeling any emotion at all. Almost as if much body knows how to react to these emotions, but Im so disconnected Im not registering the emotions.
I feel on edge, I guess. A lot of worry and self doubt. Not sure why I keep writing, this is probably just a collection of the same idea repeated over and over with different phrasing. And yet I still feel as though Im not conveying the idea I want to. I cant seem to explain how i feel. Heck, even I dont know how I feel.
Ive been having issues with sleep lately. Im really tired all the time, but I dont want to go to bed at a good time. I feel the need to avoid the process of falling asleep as much as possible— cant think about anything off limits if youre exhausted and fall asleep almost immediately, right? Of course, then I worry about sleep deprivation, which is super unhealthy and I worry about how it is damaging my memory and effectively, slowly killing me.
@ThePizza Hey M - You are doing an waesome job with writing out your thoughts and feelings.
I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time though. I guess with school right around the corner and swimming soon with a new coach. That's alot to be anxious about. And with some tough decisions to make. That's bound to raise the levels of everything.
This is your space - you write what you want how ever many times you need to. Things don't just miraculously go away just because we talked about them once. I know I feel the same way.
It's ok to not know how you feel. It can take time to sort through emotions.
Sleep - that's a fun subject isn't it? When your body is so tired but your mind just doesn't stop. I've tried all kinds of things. try to get a schedule started and try to stick with it. If you catch yourself feeling anxious try grounding yourself. Even breathing techniques.
Stay awesome M. Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
Fog is getting frustrated and taking it out on me. Youre not smart like everyone thinks you are… Everyone is taking more advanced classes than you… Everyone is able to balance more than you can and they have busier schedules… Youll never be successful in life like everyone expects you to be…, so on and so on. Being a gifted kid, the overachiever, the sibling with better grades… supposedly Im smarter than everyone else, or something. I dont really know. Its definitely expected of me, but I cant— I know Im not a failure failure, but Im definitely a failure in the gifted department. Im not as talented as everyone else is; I feel like Im just scraping by. I wish I was better at things but Im not and makes me feel inadequate. Its like, I was on track to be better than most, but Im not as good as everyone thinks I am. I suck.
@ThePizza a good saying is never look in your neighbour's garden if you want to feel good. Someone will allways ve better than you, that is why real supperlatives never exist but for a short burst of time because there will allways be smth or soneone better...why bother comparing yourself to others or trying to satisfy other's expectations or your expectations projected through other's eyes...why waste your life energy on this when you can focus relative to yourself. How can I improve relative to whom I was yesterday, how can I make my life happy for myself? Shift your focus inward instead of outward, shift your focus toward yourself in life. Lance Armstrong doped himself because he was entranced by this craving of being the best in top...what did he achieve in my eyes? Nothing, I never liked to watch sports or others but practice them and have fun and memories. He has hame and money, I have memorable moments with my friends practicing sports...you may want to try to shift your focus...it will help you relax and enjoy your life instead of stressing it out...
@ThePizza
Reading from an outsider perspective, it seems you are looking for an external validation to feel good. Unfortunately, I can garantee you this is a neverending struggle that can only make you deeply unhappy and unsatisfied... You are good and enough the way you are. I know it sounds as a clichée but... it is really true. We all have a talent of some sort. It doesn't necessary mean we will get fame out of it. It doesn't mean that we will be number 1 in the world in that respect. It is simply there as a gift for us. The expetactions other people have towards you is their problem... these expections say a lot about who they are, and nothing about you...
*hug you if you don't mind*
@ThePizza Hey M - How about we take a deep breath here? Let's take a pause - yeah? You aren't everyone else - you're - you. You're bound to feel all these things - you've got an awful lot on your plate and alot of decisions you need to make regarding swimming. The new coach - the new school year - new classes. You're not a failure anywhere that I see and you most definitely do not suck!
You've got to feel so over whelmed right now. And that's ok - that's why we're going to take a moment. It's normal to compare yourself against others. It's kind of what we're taught to do. Because others often compare us to other or use us as a comparison. Which is totally unfair to everyone involved. I think it just sets us up for all these thoughts as we grow older. Consistantly thinking that we have to be better then everyone else.
You said in your earlier post you got some thing accomplished and you were motivated. Let's try to recapture that good feeling. You're doing the best you can at the moment. No one can expect more than that. You've been fighting depression - depression tell's you lies - my friend. It's helping to feed Fog. But Fog is getting greedy and needs to cut it out. Hopefully soon your parents will have gotten you that counselor and then you can get Fog and brain sorted out. We're always here for you - to listen to you - to vent to. Fog won't change my mind - I still think you're awesome!
Dang M - I'm sorry I wrote you a book!
Please try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. You're not alone.
On a side note, I finally figured out how to choose a profile picture
@ThePizza and a great superbe one you chose🤗
@ThePizza a nebula cluster...
Lately Ive been thinking a lot about my view of myself and how others see me. Ive realized that I care about sending the right message a lot— maybe a little too much. Not in the way of I need to be popular and fashionable either. Its more like, I view myself in a particular way and I want others to see me that way too. Unfortunately, this leads to me constantly second-guessing myself, trying to act a certain way all the time, telling myself not to be flustered out of the way I should act— dont break character.
Luckily, recently Ive found myself trying to let go of this a bit. For example, allowing someone to potentially think of me one way when I really want to be portrayed as something else. Im trying not to let the supposed opinions of others get to me.
That being said, theres also the issue that I dont think I am who I want to be. That sounded deeper than what I actually mean— Id like to think people see me one way but Im almost forcing myself to act that way. Im not sure that this explanation is making any sense. I guess Im trying to say that, Im making an effort to be my own person. Even if Im not turning out who I want to be.
Not sure where I thought this was supposed to go
@ThePizza Hey M.
I have to admit - I had a really awesome post written and didn't I hit the wrong dang button and deleted half of it. Then got ticked - lol and deleted the rest. So now we have this - I am so proud of you. You write things out here so well. I want you to know - you have a great heart and a brilliant mind. One of these days when Fog isn't whispering in your ear - you'll be able to see yourself as we see you and you'll be as proud of yourself as we are.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul
When Fog is gone— thatll be the day. Thanks. Gosh, I hate that so much. I always end up not making the post for a while because Im so annoyed, lol.
Another thing that popped in my head—
Theres the story of someone who has been told, time and time again, that they arent enough and theyll never achieve great things and such and such. Its never really been that way for me, from what I remember at least. I just thought of it like this: The only person to ever tell me I couldnt was myself. Quote worthy, huh? Lol— reign in the pride there
@ThePizza Lol! This pride is just out of control! No reining it in!
We're often our own worst critics. But we're always here to remind you just how awesome you are.
Oh no— I think the pride ran off to the campfire and fell in the lava! I knew we should have reigned it in