Please don't write here, I'm starting a new journal: May 3, 2024
Again, I dream that I am embraced in his arms, we run off together along the shoreline of a beach with the most dazzling sunset, my toes feeling the sand as I run across the beach, holding his hand, looking back at him and smiling, he smiles back and runs along with me, another scene shows me and him hugging afterschool, him not wanting to let go, and me not wanting him to let go either, because I am leaving...leaving the school right after the belt ceremony where I got my red belt. I leave M@d!sn, R@#$hm!k@, everyone behind, and I hug him one last time to say goodbye, then I wake up, tears strolling down my eyes, knowing that leaving the school, might be true. But being that close with him, will never happen. What I thought was a dream turns into a nightmare. One nightmare I get each night. One nightmare that will never stop. No matter if he tells me I'll be fine. No matter if he zips up my backpack when its open, no matter when he's kicking my backpack, no matter when he's teasing me for being small. I know. I know that if I don't do anything, I'll lose him forever. I don't even have his number. I will be alone all over again. Again, Again, Again, Again Again Again Again AGAIN. Never ever to be embraced by his arms. Not even once. No matter how hard I try. I. I will never, and I mean never, get what I want. In math, in English, in karate, I don't care. I just want to stay in those classes with him forever. Him with his long hair, his mask, that ring he sometimes wears, his new black shoes, his kind-hearted self, his respectful being entirely. I love him and I just hope, just hope he feels the same way.
May 7, 2024, Tuesday,
I am so nervous....my karate belt test is tomorrow and it's 2 hours long! Like what....my instructor, Master Cardenas said that all you have to do is not quit and not to give up, as long as you complete the test, you pass. I don't know if I can last that long. Literally it's a test over almost everything we learned and then 3 rounds of sparring with black belts! Like I'm only a green belt....but I'll try! But....he said that if I make one mistake he adds another round with a black belt...poor blackbelts lol. But I'm going to try! I haven't gotten this far just to give up, have I? NO way! I can't give up. But...what if I can't do it....I can't do it...yet! I know I can. I need to stop doubting myself. That's it...this is probably so boring if you're reading this lol...
May 09, 2024 So, it all started with my mom, she got the best idea ("best" is sarcasm) for homeschooling me and my siblings. I denied it 2 times, and now I'm officially being homeschooled. Then came April, my dogs death date, 04/26/23, but this year is 2024. Now, my dad came up with the idea of taking me out 2 weeks before school ends. I won't be able to go to the field trip. Earlier today, I texted my mom saying that I change my mind and don't want to leave school that early because of the fun field trip where my friends will be there. Then she texted my dad about what I said and then my dad said "why are you texting momi and not me" I got scared and panicked while in my last class and said "oh, i meant to put those messages in the group chat with yall" and then my dad said "well no" and I got frustrated and dissapointed. So much that my "look cool" barrier collapsed and I showed my real self, ONE silent, steaming hot tear strolled down my face. And I knew I was probably red from my chin to my forehead. I wanted to scream, cry, punch something but instead, curled up into a ball and laid my head on my crossed arms on the table and just watched Alexander; my crush, draw and draw and draw. Then, out of anxiety and frustration, when it was 4pm, I left because the bell didn't ring. I also left because I was waiting by the door but then a kid that smelled like weed, stood so close to me that we were only 1cm from my nose brushing against his chest. I got uncomfortable and felt uneasy because of the stench, and ran out of that class, not even looking back, because I regained a bit of myself and felt free from the stench, free from the anxiety, free. So, when I ran out, Dean ran after me when 2 seconds before the bell rang and said "Marlety! Mr. Hawley wrote your name on the board" and my "look cool/ look okay" barrier came back and I said " You know what, thanks for telling me, but I don't care" and Dean said "I'm being for real Marlety!! You might get detention!" I told him "Dean, thanks, but I don't care. Just let me get detention, I don't care about anything anymore." And so Dean left, and I got to the car, horrified, because if I got detention, I would absolutely not, be able to go to the field trip because of the new rule they have. So when I was in the car, so many thoughts ran through my mind. I felt as if I was going to faint. But then my dad interrupted and said "so whats this about a field trip?" in an intimidating voice that i've always been scared of ever since I was a child.......so when he said "what's this about a field trip?" I said " i want to stay in school, and theres a fun field trip" He said " its a main event right? do you even know what a main event is?" Well after that, I told him "yeah kind of, theres going to be fun games and stuff" and he said "you know its just dave and busters right? we can go there anytime if you want to go so bad...is this just because of your friends" and with that last part, something snapped, i felt furious because every event i deeply want to go to for school he always ask if it just because of my friends. i accidentally said "no" because i felt like i was about to cry, and then he said "then why do you want to go?" and I said "because its sounds fun and i just really want to go" and he said "if you want to so badly and if not about your friends, we can go some other time" and i said "its not just about my friends, its both ME AND them" he said "but i dont understand because we already made an agreement to take you out, its because i came up with the idea of taking you out before MAP teasting because in my eyes the testing is just a waste of time." and i stayed silent until he said "do you understand what im trying to say?" and i told him "no" in a quiet and dissapointed shaky voice, because my eyes were already overfilling with that salty water which would have strolled down my cheeks as tears if i said anything else. he asked me what im even learing in class and i told him "review for high school" and he said "thats just a waste of time, so you want me to take you to school for 4 more weeks just for a field trip? whos going to take you then?" no, he wont understand, i dont think i'll ever understand him...i just told him "i dont know" and ran inside because by the time we were done talking, we were home. so I ran inside the house, ran to the bath room and went in the shower, first normal silent tears, then silent wailing and then telling no one or i guess the water " MAKE IT STOP PLEASE PLEASEEEE MAKE IT STOP S S TOP PLEASE, MAKE IT GO AWAY" i cried that phrase so many times in the shower while i curled up into a ball and covered my ears very tight.
May 10, idk I cried this morning, I almost cried in 1st period, I saw someone cry like me...idk, also my dad took my earbuds so I can't listen to music....and without music I'm more sensitive than usual.
" If you're happy now, just enjoy being happy now. Tell yourself you're a happy person and keep that with you. You don't have to worry about bad things that haven't happened yet. It feels like a waste of that happiness"
-Hwang Hyunjin
I've been listening to 'Lose My Breath' - By StrayKids on repeat for the last hour...because it's actually calming me down. I don't know what to do about my parents. The fact that they want to take me out so early is really making me mad. I punched my bedroom wall in the morning for 5 mins straight and now I have bruises on my knuckles. Great. Oh my God but let me tell you......my crush got a haircut and he looks gorgeoussss. Anyways... lemme work on my project for science.
Okay...now I've gotten an invitation to an End Of The Year Celebration party for karate PLUS the field trip Form is due tomorrow AND on the 31st is the school dance and the awards ceremony. 23rd is the activism fair and then in June there are tests also the 4th is the field trip.
And it's like my parents want me to miss out on it because they know that every year at the end of every year, there are lots of activities, parties, grades due, fun things and yet they want to take me out of school as if taking me away from everything. Omg this is so annoying like I just want to stay, like it's only 2 weeks more like it's not even that hard. I can seriously walk if it's so hard to take me to school. Even if I fail I will be homeschooled and they will tell me I passed. This is annoying
@stampy83
The End of The Year Celebration for karate is on the 29th btw
