Please don't write here, I'm starting a new journal: May 3, 2024
Again, I dream that I am embraced in his arms, we run off together along the shoreline of a beach with the most dazzling sunset, my toes feeling the sand as I run across the beach, holding his hand, looking back at him and smiling, he smiles back and runs along with me, another scene shows me and him hugging afterschool, him not wanting to let go, and me not wanting him to let go either, because I am leaving...leaving the school right after the belt ceremony where I got my red belt. I leave M@d!sn, R@#$hm!k@, everyone behind, and I hug him one last time to say goodbye, then I wake up, tears strolling down my eyes, knowing that leaving the school, might be true. But being that close with him, will never happen. What I thought was a dream turns into a nightmare. One nightmare I get each night. One nightmare that will never stop. No matter if he tells me I'll be fine. No matter if he zips up my backpack when its open, no matter when he's kicking my backpack, no matter when he's teasing me for being small. I know. I know that if I don't do anything, I'll lose him forever. I don't even have his number. I will be alone all over again. Again, Again, Again, Again Again Again Again AGAIN. Never ever to be embraced by his arms. Not even once. No matter how hard I try. I. I will never, and I mean never, get what I want. In math, in English, in karate, I don't care. I just want to stay in those classes with him forever. Him with his long hair, his mask, that ring he sometimes wears, his new black shoes, his kind-hearted self, his respectful being entirely. I love him and I just hope, just hope he feels the same way.
Time to write all my emotions again....first off I just cried in math which is already embarrassing. Also, my crush had to tap me bcs I think him and my friend were wondering if I was okay...or just sleeping. Because I had my head down on the table and my arms crossed making somewhat of a pillow for my head. The whole day has been so frustrating because I PROMISED myself that I would tell a teacher about what's happening...but noooo, I broke another promise. I promised my dog (that already passed away) that I'd keep all my promises. Well I just broke that one. This is so stupid I just wish I could have the floor swallow me right now. Earlier in science, there's these metal poles that hold up a piece of ceiling so that when it rains, we'll be dry. But earlier, I was punching it non stop and my knuckles got red, let me tell you....that was at 9am in the morning and my knuckles are still red and its 3pm rn.
So...I've never convinced my parents BUT I got over it now. I have accepted that tomorrow is my last day of school. I will just say bye. I CAN go to some events but not the ones that are during school. So I'm okay with that. But I have realized that I've never gone to a school dance before in middle school. Sadly :( . But I did go in elementary school so that's what counts. Yesterday, I had the belt ceremony and I GOT RED BELTTTTT!!! YAYYYY!!!!!!!! I'm so happy about that. But now I'm really really tired. My arms hurt like *** and even lifting my pencil in the air hurts because yesterday, we had to help carry things from the gym ALL THE WAY to the Karate Room. :( My arms feel like they are decomposing. It's so annoying. Like literally. OMG I feel like I'm bouta pass out though....but this morning I got "Best competitor" specialized red belt with my name on it. so now I have 2 reed belts. the normal one and the one with my name on it in gold. I'm so happy but sad that I'm leaving. I'm not mad anymore though.
@stampy83
you wanna know something old me? we got his number :)
the "alone" part didnt change...sadly...but we'll get there
i feel so bad for my old self...went through so much, just know, i'll try and make things better
