Pieces of the Jigsaw

🤍 @Everlee 🤍

*leaves the yummiest ice-cream cake and hugs for Leee*

Idk I'm going through this old phase where I feel everyone is changing and nobody wants me and I'm just existing with no purpose. I can't feel a thing, the more I try to distract myself from this the more I feel like crying and I end up thinking even more about it. I stopped expecting long ago and I accept that things change over time and people do require time to settle in a new place and probably I need to be more understanding. I am trying though, I am legit just talking to myself everyday and figuring my own stuff out and it feels like I'm lost once again and I can't even find the right way but I'm sitting here telling myself "it's okay" while trying to cry so hard. I feel like crying, I just want to cry for once and maybe this pain will fade? Ah, why am I like this? I just wanna go away from here, it's suffocating. There are nice people around me but I don't feel like I belong here, this can't be the place and I'm just a disappointment. Sometimes all I wish for is to become a person who can meet their expectations because they deserve a lot but I can't give them any of what they deserve. I think I should become more considerate but isn't that the same thing I've been trying to work on for so long? I failed to be a good daughter, I failed to be a good sister, I failed to be a good friend and I failed to be a good person, I'm just a failure lol. My mom said "if they care enough about you, they will come back to you" but what if they never cared? what if they don't come back and I'm just left all alone? How long am I supposed to stand with "I'm better off alone"? These bonds and friendships are probably not for me but then what do I even want? I don't know, I am clueless, I am just a loser who has reasons for everything lol, I'm just making up excuses, I am my own problem, I don't have any problems I just overreact a lot maybe after some time it won't even matter. I'm tired. I want to sleep, peacefully, but even that is not in my share. Maybe one day this will end? or maybe one day this will end me? but how long will it take? I can't carry this anymore, I'm tired, too tired.

I wanna leave this house.

@Everlee

*shares icecream cake with leee leee* ❤

I'm home, finally.
This may not be the place where I wanted to be at this point, but I have nowhere else to go. Life has changed so much but somehow, it's still the same(?), I guess I am getting an unwanted reality check every single day. It's not easy to be here, it's not easy to continue, it's not easy to even think about a tomorrow but somehow, I'm still here (idk just physically maybe?) Would it matter if I wasn't here? (Oh, I totally didn't overthink that) Not much would change though but okay that's alright we will simply ignore that like all those other thoughts. Am I finally going to rant? I guess - here goes life ~ so much has changed and I miss those old times but at the same time, I don't want it all to happen again. I just think that some things are just repeating themselves and of course I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be that depressed again. I was doing well; everything was just fine and now suddenly I feel like I'm back to square one? Did I even make any progress? Did I even try hard? What is wrong with me? Am I the problem? I think I am; I always end up creating more and more problems for myself. No doubt, I'm the problem but then, is there a way out of this? I really don't know. The worst part is, I know that I have been here before but I really don't know what got me here again and how the fork am I supposed to get out of this place. I am tired, once again. I am lost, once again. I'm clueless and idk I just want all of this to end? Like please don't start, I've had enough why the fork are you coming back are you a rubber band~ Or at least just snap back like a rubber, at least it would hurt a little, at this point I'm in the middle of nowhere - I feel like I'm legit deciding if I should get hurt or not and I'm here questioning my existence and I don't even think that I'm making sense anymore, what is up with me goodnesss- I think I need to spend time with myself, I really need to do that but how am I supposed to do that when I'm not comfortable being myself? How am I supposed to accept my thoughts when I just know that everything is just BS- At this point I'm just confused, am I really going through stuff? Or am I doing this to myself? I might have said that I miss my depression and I kinda meant it but I didn't want stuff to repeat itself so fast like who the spoon is sitting there writing this chapter of my life? Did you run out of ideas or something- I can help trust me! I don't want you to repeat this story, this was hard to get over, I cried a lot, I bled a lot, I don't want that to happen again or maybe just stop, don't write anything further, that would be okay as well. Aaa okay coming back to the point, I need to change, I need to accept myself like okay this is my life - I need to be comfortable around myself - but idk how I'm supposed to do that but okay I'll figure it out and it will end or maybe it will end me, whatever - anything would work like a charm. Oh ~ I also thought about it but I'm clean. I AM CLEANNNN. I think I just need some peace in my life and things will be fine, where do they sell peace though- Will found out~~~~ But how do I always manage to get depressed before exams though- Anyway that's all for this time, will see you soon, jigsaw~

I am mentally stable

@Everlee

Thinking of youuu!❤