Pieces of the Jigsaw

IM TIREDD OF IT ALL. END IT. FUCKING END IT BICHES I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I AM TIRED

Only for my parents

I won't be shocked if you ever see this but I want you to know that what I did wasn't because of you. I did it for me, because I always disappointed everyone, because even after all my efforts, I was still never good enough, because I never met your expectations, because I never worked hard enough to get where you expected me to, because I was too depressed to even give a thought about anything else. It was totally not your fault. You gave me everything, every single thing I asked for even when I didn't deserve it, you gave me all of it and even if not that, you also gave me things that I never asked for, I wouldn't have asked for any better parents but I know you deserved a way better daughter. It was all my fault and you were right, I'm shameless and I deserve all those swear words and I'm just a huge fat blob of disappointment and I deserve none of what you gave me and I'm sorry for being such a mess. I'm sorry for not being a good daughter, I'm sorry for making you waste all your money, I'm sorry for everything. I tried though, I tried with no hope, I tried to be the daughter you wanted, I tried to please you, I tried to be the daughter you deserved, I tried to work hard on myself, my anger and I was ready to change my whole personality for you, I did but I couldn't continue to live with that. I know I'm too young to think about this but there has to be something that gave me these strong views on life. I was always afraid of being mocked by you, I said one word and you would repeat it till it felt like I was useless and made me feel guilty of telling you anything at all. I don't know if you seek betterment or perfection but I know I tried and I also know that you never needed a daughter like me, a fat daughter, who did nothing and always let you down. I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry for being happy with my marks, I'm sorry for being content with myself, I should have thought of being better which I never did because I thought I was okay this way but it was too late before I realized it wasn't even satisfactory for you. I wish I could be better and I wish I could improve myself just so much to fit in but today while I sit amongst these stars I still wish for you all to live a better and peaceful life and I hope the best happens to you further. I am a coward and I didn't realize it for a long time that I wasn't the perfect piece between all you brave people. I wish I could repay it back to you someday. Thank you for everything and sorry for all the hurt caused by me.

I know I worked hard, I know I did. I tried, a lot and yet she doesn't appreciate me. She didn't even stop when my uncle and my dad both asked her to. She kept going even when I started crying. She said if I would have studied, I would have scored good, but I did study. I studied a lot, even when I couldn't keep going, even when I felt so numb, even when my head was hurting so bad, I still studied but she didn't even try to understand me rather she did all that drama. My uncle literally came to support me, my uncle that man who isn't even close to me, he came to support me but my mom didn't stop. I might have scored less but I don't deserve all this hate after this one exam and one more thing, my mom literally just cares about what she will say to others lol and she accepted she! She is more worried about answering others than supporting her own daughter. I know what I was going through when I wrote the exam and it wasn't easy. It definitely wasn't and it was like the first time after 2 years that I was a answering long answer questions in offline mode which is very very very different than the MCQs and I don't expect them to be all goood with me, of course they can criticize me but there has to be a limit dude. I worked hard and maybe my efforts were less in terms of the exam but it wasn't a case of never studying. I studied and I know that. She just wants me to compare with some xyz kid she did it and then she says "it's not about comparing" then why would you compare me to others lol if it's not about it? I don't understand honestly. There's just so much drama going on in this house always. I hate being here, I hate myself for not being one of them. You only understand others when you go through it, I wish they understood me.

@Everlee

🌞 *covers Leee Leee in warm sunshineeeee* 🌞

I love this song hehe! <3

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou Aww thank youu Sunshine :') *wraps sun sunny sunshine in sunshinee too* c:

I love it as well! It's beautiful! ✨

@Everlee

Aww yay *feels super nice and warm* 🥰🤗

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou Aw hehe, alsoo a veryy beautiful pfp! 🤍🤍

@Everlee Aww thankieees! ❤

I can't even help him lol, I am grounded and I don't have a phone and he still calls me his best friend?

Can't get over this 😀👍

@Everlee

Oh look at you now i am so proud of youuuuuu!!!❤️

@coldbreeze00 I thought that was a weird post but here you are supporting me thank you so much breeze ily 😭

@Everlee

just love how relatable everything here is😭 and omg ofc aww ily tooo 😔❤️

@coldbreeze00

Oh God well I get it, sorta same boat breezy just different shores 😭

@Everlee

deep ever deep😔🤝

Ah I hate me, I so fucking hate me ugh. I could have kept shut, I could have ignored the topic but I fucking told him about it and he was already going through so much. I don't want him to be concerned or shit like that. I am tired of my ass, I do this to myself and then go ahead to complain about absolutely useless stuff that I could have kept to myself. I just hope that he doesn't stop sharing about his problems, I don't want him to bottle things up honestly. I just want someone to slap me real bad so I don't it again. I am just disgusting. Also I really don't know how will I manage things tomorrow. I'm pretty much overwhelmed and my sleepy head can't care the least about getting work done. I hope things will be okay tomorrow.

🤍 @Everlee 🤍

*leaves the yummiest ice-cream cake and hugs for Leee*

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou Awww thanks so much Sunshinee! *sharesss ice cream cake and hugs back*

@Everlee Aww you so lovely always, Leeee, thankyouuu! *accepts flowers and treasures in resin* 🥰❤

Sending more hugs your way! How you been?

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou Aw :') *More hugssss*

I've been pretty much alright, how about you?

@Everlee 🤗

Good to hear, Lee. Been doing okay too. Your exams over? Is it vacay time? :o

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou How's you now Sun? :') Exams over yes but still got those college applications to fill and all that procedure you know :')

@Everlee

Aww glad the exams are over, and yes, gosh this particular phase is filled with everything overwhelming and stressful, I get it. :') *hugs Lee* you take it one at a time and hope for the best, aye? Here and rooting for you always! ❤

I'm doing okay hehe, thankiees for asking. How's you keeping up with everything?

Just say the word and I'll be ready to hop over with comfy blankets and ice cream cakes anytime okie! 🤗

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou Thank you so much for understanding Sun and it is pretty much, you don't get time to do anything else you know or like anything you like, something I didn't expect but alright haha! :')
I'm glad you are okay Sun, I'm pretty good!

Andddddd comfy blankets and ice cream cakes are alwaysss welcomeee, sweet of you to think of me :') 🤍🤍🤍🤍

@Everlee

Aww yes ofcourse it is super understandable, there's a lot to decide over and do smh, how's everything coming along? Decided on on any colleges? <3

*hugs* hehe

Yes yes you in my thoughts always, Leee. <3

How's October treating you?

Idk I'm going through this old phase where I feel everyone is changing and nobody wants me and I'm just existing with no purpose. I can't feel a thing, the more I try to distract myself from this the more I feel like crying and I end up thinking even more about it. I stopped expecting long ago and I accept that things change over time and people do require time to settle in a new place and probably I need to be more understanding. I am trying though, I am legit just talking to myself everyday and figuring my own stuff out and it feels like I'm lost once again and I can't even find the right way but I'm sitting here telling myself "it's okay" while trying to cry so hard. I feel like crying, I just want to cry for once and maybe this pain will fade? Ah, why am I like this? I just wanna go away from here, it's suffocating. There are nice people around me but I don't feel like I belong here, this can't be the place and I'm just a disappointment. Sometimes all I wish for is to become a person who can meet their expectations because they deserve a lot but I can't give them any of what they deserve. I think I should become more considerate but isn't that the same thing I've been trying to work on for so long? I failed to be a good daughter, I failed to be a good sister, I failed to be a good friend and I failed to be a good person, I'm just a failure lol. My mom said "if they care enough about you, they will come back to you" but what if they never cared? what if they don't come back and I'm just left all alone? How long am I supposed to stand with "I'm better off alone"? These bonds and friendships are probably not for me but then what do I even want? I don't know, I am clueless, I am just a loser who has reasons for everything lol, I'm just making up excuses, I am my own problem, I don't have any problems I just overreact a lot maybe after some time it won't even matter. I'm tired. I want to sleep, peacefully, but even that is not in my share. Maybe one day this will end? or maybe one day this will end me? but how long will it take? I can't carry this anymore, I'm tired, too tired.

I wanna leave this house.

*hugsssss* :)

@coldbreeze00

@Everlee

is that minion burping 😀😀😀

or hugging 😭😭😭

@Everlee

*shares icecream cake with leee leee* ❤