Picking Up My Shattered Thoughts
I don’t know what are the voices that I hear. I don’t know what are the visions that I see. I can’t tell if I’m making them up. They always chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter I hate it. ] Sometimes the visions dont stop so O just stare into a corner until they do. I wonder about telling people close to me avout these, my closest friends. Of course, I don’t. They probably go through worse stuff. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am just being weak. Maybe my problems never mattered in the first place. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even real or not, if I’m just an echo, bot actualy existing. I feel ignored everywhere I go. Whenever I talk, people completely ignore what I say. Whenever I show people something, they just glance and turn away. The last time I did tell someone about my problems, they just left me on read and texted me the next day like it never happened. Is it wrong that I want attention, even if its just a glance in my direction for no reason, a smile out of the blue. Maybe even a random compliment, though I know that will never happen. Is this narcissistic. Am I a narcissist for wanting to be acknowledged. Do they matter, my wants, my problems? Does any of this matter.
Its just a loop at this point, of voices, visions, and being ignored, only with slight variations, and frankly, I don’t see an end to this anytime soon
Edited by Asher, 9/25/21
Just feeling… unimportant lately. Everyone still pretty much ignores me, even when I try to talk them, they always seem disinterested. The worst part about it is that I don’t blame them. I can understand them, why they wouldn’t want to interact with me. Its simple, I seem boring to them, and they do not take interest, its human nature. I just find it hard to be interesting, y’know more extroverted. Sometimes I just feel like screaming at them to just look at me for once, or just say something to me, anything. I don’t know why I try anymore. I just want someone to share my problems with but thats hard to do. Everyone I meet seems to have it much worse than me. I feel like an A**hole telling them about it because they’re dealing with worse sh*t. I just . . . I dont know what to do. Is this what feeling alone is like? Knowing that no one will want to get you? Knowing that no one else will ever know what you go through? Knowing that no one will ever know how hard it is everyday, for me to even function properly on a daily basis. It sometimes feels like too much. Sometimes it feels like my mind is falling apart, that I’m just functioning on the remains of a broken machine. Everywhere I look I cannot find a solution. I have also had people call me out for self diagnosing calling me an attention seeker so I don’t feel comfortable doing that anymore. My parents think that mental health issues are a huge stigma, so they just ignore it completely.
In this vast situation, I feel utterly lost, and alone, and I see no exit no matter how many times I turn in circles.
What do you do when theres no way out?
What do you do when theres no one to help?
What do you do when no one cares?
What do you do when you feel like there is not a soul on earth that understands you?
What then?
When do you give up?
The voices keep calling out to me
Sometimes its trying to convince me of delusions
That this life isnt real
That im meant for some grandeur purpose
That the others dont matter
That im supposed to shed their blood
That it wont matter if they bled or not
Other times it just feels like screaming
Over and over again
This all feels so unreal
I dont know what is real
I cant tell anyone about this
They wont believe me
They think I just seek attention
That its a phase
They make me want to act on the voices
Show them that I am not making this up
Proof by example
I dont know what to do
It feels like im underwater
Everything blurry
So damn blurry
I hate that no one can help
I hate that people ignore me
I hate that I am like this
I hate that they reject me
I hate that when I show the slightest emotion
The slightest bit of anger
Everyone starts blaming me
I hate having to hide
I hate having to bottle it up
I hate that they tell me “your fine”
I hate that they get to decide for me
I hate that I cant stand up to him
I hate that im scared of him
I hate him for making this place hell
I hate that nobody will listen
I hate that everyone denies me
I hate that everyone makes me feel this way
I hate that I cant do a goddamn thing about it
I hate it all
Its too much
I feel like they hate me back sometimes
Is that why I am ignored
Why i am denied
Am I hated
Would they rather me not here
Do I have worth to them
Do I have worth
Whats the purpose if you dont have worth
What am I supposed to be doing
Why do they hate me
I only want to help people
I can tell some people need help
Why do they hate me
I dont know of I meeded to mention this earlier but comments are welcome here
I feel out of energy, tired, and sick of everything
Today was worse than usual
Mostly because I felt anxious all day for no reason
I was showing off my art online in a school groupchat
Then someone just posts some low effort crayon drawing
Everyone goes wild
No one acknowledges mine
I dont know what I live for anymore
I feel like I dont live for myself
I live for everyone else
Because I dont know what I want
I just imitate others
I feel more like an extra
Something that can easily be replaced
I know I can be
Everyone is so much better than me
At everything
Every damn thing
Theres is not a single thing I am best at
No defining trait
Im just an extra
An auxiliary
I would say person but people have a sense of direction
People have purpose
People can actually be acknowledged
Not me apparently
