My thoughts (open to all) Trigger Warning
I have these thoughts in my head. Will they ever go away. Two years its been since I've cut. Can I make it another day? I can and I will I tell myself. I've been through worse before. I'll get over yesterday. I just can't share anymore. It all started when I said I wished things were different. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I just wanted to be closer. It made her sad and confused by what i had to say. I thought we wanted the same things. Turns out I didn't have a clue. Now to try and fix it. Too bad I don't know what to do. The urges are always with me. Mostly weak but now getting strong. I need to be punished for what I did wrong. It's been two years since I cut. Do I throw it all away?
Not sure what my thoughts are this evening. I'm sitting here trying not to feel lonely. Some days I just want to give up. I'm tired.
@RedHawk6547
Hey there. It seems like you are being hard on yourself simply because of your thoughts?
Firstly, Congratulations on not cutting for that long. I havent for many many years myself.
I just wanted to tell you that I can see you give power to your thoughts,. Perhaps a more balanced way of seeing it as, your thoughts come and go.. they are just a stream of words. You are more powerful than them. But at the same time don't blame yourself for your thoughts. Regardless if its negative or pleasurable we will have thoughts come and go. A way to deal with them is you can do a simply exercise called " Leaves on a stream" on youtube.
It helps me to view thoughts for what they are, and help me make room for them without being pulled by them.
Goodluck :)
@RedHawk6547
I believe you when you say that you didn't mean to do any harm or have anything go wrong. That you just wanted to be closer to someone you care about, and you didn't want to accidentally have them feel sad or confused. It was just an unfortunate misunderstanding.
So, I feel like I disagree with this: "I need to be punished for what I did wrong." You're suffering enough already.
I'm sorry that you're hurting as a result of feeling like you've hurt someone. I feel like you deserve care and support, not to be punished. You're a kind person to feel so upset on behalf of someone else's feelings. You're not a bad person who deserves anything bad to happen. You were and are trying your best. <3
Guilt and shame are not my friends
But they keep coming around
Thoughts keep swirling
Peace can't be found
Shame of who I am
And about my past
Thought I was over it
But that didn't last
Guilt follows close behind
Too many mistakes to name
I keep reliving them
And have only myself to blame
If I could do anything what would it be
To live my life for others or just be me
Would my life be put to the test
Maybe staying silent would be best
It's all mixed up shame and fear
If only it could be clear
I won't ever be truly free
I just can't risk being me
I need to open up but I'm afraid to, even in this safe space. I've been struggling lately. My past is all mixed up in my mind. Things were said, things were done when I was too young. How do I make sense of it all? How do I find the right words to help others when it seems like I can't help myself. I've been told I've made progress in my journey. I just wish I could see it or feel it.
How come others can feel that way and not me?
Is this who God wanted me to be?
It's all tangled up inside in my head
Filling me with dread
Am I supposed to feel this way?
What does my heart say?
I believe its okay for you
So why not for me too.
Is it because of shame
Or something I can't name
Which part is me
I need to know to be free
I can't continue to live this way
It haunts me every day.
Thoughts just won't stop. Fighting the urges and listening to music. How long can I keep this up? It's been all day and the night just makes it worse
It was a terrible day. I made it through though. My boss wasn't happy with me because she was frustrated about a situation I guess I could have handled better. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had of the situation. I'm already stepping up to do my managers job while she's out. I've only worked at this location 2 months. There is still so much I don't know. Hoping I can sleep tonight and that tomorrow is better.
Today sucked. I can't believe how I was treated after I stepped up to help. I should have just let someone else come in and do it. After working there only 2 months I was put in an impossible situation. I did what was asked of me then my asst. manager gets back and treats me like crap. I did my best and that's all I could do. I'm trying to let it go but I'm having a tough time tonight. I was hoping things would settle down when she came back instead it stressed me out worse. I really hope tomorrow goes better.
Who am I? What do I believe? There is so much inside me and nothing at all. Trauma has been my life for so long. How do I adjust? I don't know anything other then survival mode. What do I do now?
@RedHawk6547 what you're feeling is natural. You've been through something and your reaction is to continue to survive. Surviving through every flashback, surviving through every anxious heartbeat, surviving through every reminder. Each day you get through it and you should celebrate each day you are able to.
It's also okay on the days you don't. Celebrate the small steps. Think of the silver lining each time you find yourself lost, afraid, or empty. Each person has a different silver lining... a different song, movie, or friend that pulls them through.
this advice probably seems upbeat when you may not feel upbeat but I hope you find some comfort in my words.