My thoughts
I guess this is gonna be the place I let everything out... keeping things in gets extremely exhausting. And I have no idea how to start.
I'm worried about my future. Like, everything about it. I wish I had something to look forward to, as that'll make things easier. I don't know why, but I feel like I haven't found my purpose for existing yet. Almost everyone I know has a clear, well defined plan about their future and what they want in life. They know what they love doing and what they're talented in. They have a passion for something and it keeps them going. I can't seem to find anything like that. It feels like they're swimming, and I'm just trying my best to not drown. Thinking about the future fills me with dread. I have no idea what I wanna do, and it's a bit too late to start thinking about it. There's nothing I'm extremely passionate about. I can't think about a job I'll enjoy doing without worrying about my future. It should be easy, just choosing a major. But here I am, thinking about the job opportunities that goes with each major, and the salary, and if I'll be get a job in another country, if I'll ever have enough to move out and live on my own. Sometimes I think that maybe I won't ever have something I'd love to study, maybe I'll just have to choose the option that'll pay me well enough to move out. I am okay with that idea, but the difference between me and others is that I'm not passionate about it. If I'm doing something I love I'll give my best, but I don't think this will happen if I just randomly choose a career. I'm worried about moving out because I'll definitely miss my parents, but being around them is definitely not something that's gonna make me happy. I'm worried that they'll force me into doing something I don't wanna do.
(I'd appreciate it if no one replies to this)
I'm so tired today.... I don't want to continue but I have to. I don't have another choice. I wish I could take a break. I wish I could sleep without worrying about the bad thing that's gonna happen, I wish I could be happy. But I deserve this. I deserve all the bad things that could ever happen. Maybe I should be happy that I'm not feeling worse, because honestly I do deserve to feel much worse than this. I wish I could punish myself somehow.
I don't know why I'm trying when it's obvious that I'm gonna fail anyway.... maybe I should just give up and mentally prepare myself for it
I'm not actually that afraid of failing myself.... I'm terrified of letting everyone down. They expect too much from me and sometimes I can't really do that well. Well, till now I guess I have done well.... Maybe not the best but certainly well enough. And this one time, I'll be a huge disappointment to everyone. I've made peace with my mistakes and I've learned so much... But I'm scared of facing the others. I'm ashamed of myself for the embarassment my parents would face.... They don't deserve that. I know what's gonna happen..... And I'm okay with it happening and I'm kinda proud of myself because the past two and a half years definitely haven't been easy.... But I'm scared of how it'll affect others. Maybe this will make people to stop expecting too much from me... Maybe this would be a good thing. But I'll always have this little bit of regret..? What if I had made different decisions? What if I'd actually not made those mistakes? My life would be very different maybe. But no one knows whether that life would be good, or would I make the mistakes I made later in life?
I don't think I can go on any longer..... But it'll be over soon. Even if I try,or stop trying, it'll be over. Yes I will be sad, but it will get better. I won't have to deal with the anxiety that comes with it again. I won't have to worry about it again. And then, I can finally work on fixing myself. As much as I can anyway. I feel like there is some fundamental part of me that is wrong
So.... tomorrow's the day and I'm terrified. I don't think I have any hopes of it turning out to be good. It'll probably be the worst day ever and I don't think I've faced a day like this before....