My thoughts

This is silly, but I don't really know how to study. For so many years, I didn't really put an effort into studying....it was just something that came really easy to me. I couldn't understand how people found it difficult. I used to top my class without putting any effort at all. And now I seem to have lost that particular skill of mine. I have no idea how to study or remember things. It takes a lot of time and effort to even understand or remember simple things. I try my best, but it's not enough

I get really attached to people..... It's not something that happens quickly. It does take time, but once it does, it never goes away no matter what they do. They could hurt me so much and I'd still miss them. They could be the ones who make me question my existence, but I still go back to them when I'm feeling low. They could be the ones who make me hate myself and hate my life, but I'd still miss them if they weren't around. I don't know why that happens, especially when they do more harm than good. I know that being around them and talking to them is not something that's good for me, but I keep going back. I get hurt again, and after a while I miss them too much so I go back again. I need to stop but I don't know how.
I really miss someone who hurt me. I promise myself not to text her but I always do exactly that and get hurt again. And when I'm feeling kinda happy, I just read those messages that made me upset again and again because I kinda feel like I don't deserve to be happy.
I'm kinda having a hard time adjusting to being in the adult side. I do sometimes join in the community room, and I try my best to support the members, but I can't really open up again. I guess I got attached to the members on the teen side and I felt extremely comfortable with opening up to them. Doing that all over again is scary. The light hearted convos aren't exactly light hearted.... There are so many looking for an argument or a debate, and conflict isn't something I'm comfortable with. It makes me panic for some reason. They could not even be yelling at me... Even someone being rude to another person affects me too much... Idk why that happens.

I'm so damn tired of everything
im tired of feeling this way
I don't know what's wrong with me
I know people have gone through so much and they're still so strong
but nothing much has ever happened to me
yet I feel broken
i feel sad for no reason at all
and I'm awful at managing my emotions
I shouldn't cut but I like doing it
even if I feel guilty for doing it afterwards
its the only thing that helps me when things get a little too much to handle
I'm tired of hating myself so much
but that's the only thing I know how to do
I'm feeling extremely guilty
I feel like I'm not allowed to be sad
and I'm not allowed to feel this way
sometimes I feel like I'm faking it
i feel like I don't deserve to even be on this site
I know I deserve so much worse than this
I wish I could trade places with an orphan
they'd get a home and food and education and everything
i deserve to live on the streets
and they'd be grateful
they'd be happy with what they have
they probably would make my parents proud and happy
they probably wouldn't feel the way I do
i just want to feel okay
or atleast not empty
I want to find a reason that'll make me want to be here
something that'll give me a reason to live and enjoy life

I'm tired of trying
It's never gonna make a difference anyway
It just wears me out
I do get sudden bursts of energy and I try my best to keep it up
I try be be make plans and stick to doing a little bit every day
But after a while I can't do it anymore
I just give up
And this entire process has been going on for too long
Giving up is so easy
Giving in to the negative thoughts is easier
Maybe I should just give up and let life go on the way it will
The future would be awful then
But I guess I deserve that
I probably deserve to feel this way
I wonder if I'll ever be happy

Sometimes the self hatred gets a little bit overwhelming... Like right now

I guess I'm pretty messed up today.... Actually I'm terrified. I was affected by gb syndrome two years ago and it was awful... I still haven't fully recovered from it. And now the news said that the vaccine has caused an increase in gb syndrome cases... And my neurologist had commented in that article too. I'm terrified of it. I haven't been vaccinated yet, I'd have to ask my neurologist before I get vaccinated. I'm afraid I'll get gb syndrome again... I don't think I can deal with that again. I know he'd tell me that I should get vaccinated only if he's sure that I wouldn't get affected... But I'm still scared. What if it happens? What if it affects me again?

I guess I'm pretty messed up today.... Actually I'm terrified. I was affected by gb syndrome two years ago and it was awful... I still haven't fully recovered from it. And now the news said that the vaccine has caused an increase in gb syndrome cases... And my neurologist had commented in that article too. I'm terrified of it. I haven't been vaccinated yet, I'd have to ask my neurologist before I get vaccinated. I'm afraid I'll get gb syndrome again... I don't think I can deal with that again. I know he'd tell me that I should get vaccinated only if he's sure that I wouldn't get affected... But I'm still scared. What if it happens? What if it affects me again?

This week has been hard and the next two will be worse. I really hope I get through it. I know it's gonna be bad. Well, bad is an understatement. It's gonna be awful, probably the worst week I'll ever have. I have made a lot of mistakes and bad decisions and I'll finally be facing the consequences. I deserve it. I deserve to feel the worst I could possibly feel. It's too late to fix things now. I gotta deal with it and hopefully I'll be able to get past it and start feeling hopeful about things again. Hopefully it won't damage me permanently, but that's too much to hope for. This will always stay with me. I hope it gets easier with time. I don't have a choice, I can't hide away. It's time for me to face it, and I know I'll fail. But I've been waiting for too long, a part of me feels a little bit of relief, knowing that it'll be over soon. I can get through this alone. And I deserve every bad thing that's gonna happen. I'll suffer through it and I'll never make the same mistakes again. I won't ever let people down again.

Everything's gonna be okay. The storm won't last forever. You'll get another chance to prove yourself

I'm scared.... I haven't faced such a huge failure before. I know I'll learn from it, but I'm afraid of how it'll affect me. I don't want to lose myself again. But I promise myself, no matter what I get, I'll do everything u can to be the best at it. I need to figure out and know what's important, because people don't stay. I need to fix my life

I'm so tired today.... I don't want to continue but I have to. I don't have another choice. I wish I could take a break. I wish I could sleep without worrying about the bad thing that's gonna happen, I wish I could be happy. But I deserve this. I deserve all the bad things that could ever happen. Maybe I should be happy that I'm not feeling worse, because honestly I do deserve to feel much worse than this. I wish I could punish myself somehow.

I don't know why I'm trying when it's obvious that I'm gonna fail anyway.... maybe I should just give up and mentally prepare myself for it

I'm ashamed of myself
i don't think I can face anyone again

They all expect me to be the topper
but I don't think I can even pass

I'm not actually that afraid of failing myself.... I'm terrified of letting everyone down. They expect too much from me and sometimes I can't really do that well. Well, till now I guess I have done well.... Maybe not the best but certainly well enough. And this one time, I'll be a huge disappointment to everyone. I've made peace with my mistakes and I've learned so much... But I'm scared of facing the others. I'm ashamed of myself for the embarassment my parents would face.... They don't deserve that. I know what's gonna happen..... And I'm okay with it happening and I'm kinda proud of myself because the past two and a half years definitely haven't been easy.... But I'm scared of how it'll affect others. Maybe this will make people to stop expecting too much from me... Maybe this would be a good thing. But I'll always have this little bit of regret..? What if I had made different decisions? What if I'd actually not made those mistakes? My life would be very different maybe. But no one knows whether that life would be good, or would I make the mistakes I made later in life?

If I could change myself, I'd change every little thing about me

No matter what I do, I don't think I'll ever be enough
I don't think I'll ever be happy

I don't think I can go on any longer..... But it'll be over soon. Even if I try,or stop trying, it'll be over. Yes I will be sad, but it will get better. I won't have to deal with the anxiety that comes with it again. I won't have to worry about it again. And then, I can finally work on fixing myself. As much as I can anyway. I feel like there is some fundamental part of me that is wrong

So.... tomorrow's the day and I'm terrified. I don't think I have any hopes of it turning out to be good. It'll probably be the worst day ever and I don't think I've faced a day like this before....

I messed up
well, of course I did
I'm just a waste of space and I shouldn't be allowed to even be here
I'm sorry everyone
im so sorry
you all deserve so much better than this
I'm sorry
it's all my fault
and I absolutely hate myself more than ever

Sometimes support comes from unexpected places
I'm so grateful for the support I'm receiving now
it makes a lot of difference
and I feel like I can finally breathe