My Mood Journal
For the past few days, I've been keeping a sort of journal of my mood and thoughts. I start cognitive behavioural therapy for the third time in my life next week and felt that having something written down could help. I tend to have a hard time getting what is inside of me, out... especially in therapy; for a couple of reasons. Firstly I have no great trauma to talk about, I suffer from depression but sometimes feel like it's just self-indulgent moaning on my part and am embarrased to share.
Secondly my mood varies a lot, and often when I visit a therapist I'm not as low as I have been. Going to see someone feels like a positive step which can brighten my mood a little, and also I tend to feel more positive in the afternoon, when the therapy sessions typically are (and low in the evening and early morning). I struggle to empathise with the version of myself I was when I was low and will give the impression that I'm doing better than I really am. I feel I will need help bringing this out, even with my journal, and feel that sharing here may help me.
So I got a small notepad, which I can put in my pocket and take everywhere with me, to make short notes as and when I have something to say. The plan is to reserve the journal for moments of clarity, when I actually have something important to say about what I'm feeling and more importantly why. It isn't to keep a constant log of my many ups and downs and I may go days without writing something if I have nothing I feel I can add to it. Also, it isn't for idle speculation, as I do this a lot and could easily fill it with ramblings about 'why I suffer from depression'. I want to focus on the here and now with this journal.
So I'll post each entry here in a new post. I started it a couple weeks ago so I'll post some older stuff first. Comments, especially empathy is welcome. I imagine I might just post everything in my journal into posts on here, but there may be stuff I don't feel it worth putting up.
Thanks for your help if you're reading this.
25/6/15 17:30 - Cafe, My Home Town
I feel alone and trapped, and also a bit panicky. It's like being trapped at the bottom of a deep well hearing distant voices on the surface and knowing my chances of ever getting out are diminishing. I don't even know how to start thinking how to escape.
I feel as though I am at a good time in my life and the future holds many positive moments, and change is now a good thing.
18:05 (where I don't include the date or location isn't because it is the same as the last post)
My mood throughout a typical day.
I drew a graph here, which I can't reproduce in this forum, but basically it shows hopeless to hopeful on the y-axis (I comment that hopeful doesn't necessarily mean happy) and waking to going to sleep in the x-axis.
The graph starts lowish and after I do some exercise (I annotated parts of the day along the graph) it rises, through lunch until a peak in early/mid afternoon as I'm working, up until the point where I usually head out (to a cafe normally). At that point it drops fairly rapidly, through teatime and the evening which is just labelled (stuck inside) until it bottoms out in a place marked insomnia, though rises very slightly just before the end where I finally fall asleep.
18:48
Cafe about to close, don't know where to go. Don't want to go home. Not even that happy here, but home feels like giving up.
19:08 Outside, by the harbour
I can't understand why anyone would choose to live in [my home town]. I'm walking around and it isn't even late and town is dead. Not a soul. I have nothing against the town, it's a nice place; to visit but there are so few people. I'm not judging people who choose to live here, I don't need it explained to me why they like it here, I'm just pointing out that my not wanting to live here is so fundamental, I can't even empathise with wanting to live somewhere so isolated and with so few other people.
TRIGGER WARNING (SUICIDE)
19:43 Home
Why am I not suicidal? I'm definitely not! Definitely, definitely. But I can certainly identify with the feelings that make people suicidal. Everything is hopeless, there is no joy in life. Life being suffering, 'not worth living'. I even almost gave that a score in my [local mental health trust] questionnaire. The only thing I can think of is the teeny bit of home that one day things might improve keeps me going. I always feel, 'what if...' even if often that is just the longing that after years of pain and nothing, something might briefly make me happy. I don't want to miss out on that.
19:48
I live with my Mum. Sometimes I feel even lonelier at home than I do walking around a deserted town centre. Or is it the other way around? My depression feels like the elephant in the room when I'm at home. I feel ashamed of it, and my anxiety makes her anxious.
21:36 Walking to the garage / shop
I asked if there was anything we were out of, because getting out and having a small task is better than sat at home doing nothing. My Mum seems irritated by my irrationality. I just get feelings from time to time that doing 'X' will make me slightly happier.
26/6/15 18:08 Outside cafe, the next town over
Sometimes I just get this feeling that I want to do a particular thing or go to a particular place. It doesn't always make sense, I struggle to explain why I want this in the face of other people's logic and they can become irritated. Today I just wanted to go to [next town] instead of [home town]. Fortunately on this occasion my decision doesn't make people question me, but sometimes they do. The closest I can come to an explanation is that I tend to go to places associated with a memory or feeling that I want back... and I quickly get bored of going to the same places all the time.
Just got given free sandwiches at the end of the day which was nice, also there was a pretty barista who I at least half-smiled at, the weather is OK, no-one has looked at me funny and I did some sketching. I'm almost happy.
