My Mom is Toxic
So this rant has been a long time coming, because I can't vent to anyone else.
Ever since high school - my mom has become, I want to believe a bipolar, toxic gaslighter. Oh, can't forget the woman equivalent of a man-child.
God forbid anyone tells her she's wrong sometimes, I've never seen a women with so many anger issues and stubbornness at times.
Most days, my mom can be chill and collected - but as soon as ANYTHING doesn't go her way, she gets angry and throws a hissy-fit.
Family outings are ***, because if anything goes "wrong" or we make a decision SHE doesn't like - she, you guessed it - gets angry and throws a hissy-fit. She constantly blames me or my dad for problems she makes, because she's "never wrong".
From telling me to "stop my foolishness" whenever I try reminding her that it is 2024 and nobody cares if you wear pajamas in public (as long as they're appropriate), to me offering to teach her basic computer literacy and keyboard skills - her refusing, later complaining that I "never offered", and having no patience to LEARN when she does eventually agree.
Just because you are a "social butterfly", doesn't give you the right to force people around you to be.
She refuses to understand the concept of being "introverted" - and then pretends to be "embarrassed" by lifestyle choices that don't effect her in any way, shape or form.
Not to mention - she's the worst listener imaginable, treating all of my mental health problems as "episodes".
She acts this way and then wonders why I never talk to her, or try to connect with her - this is why.
It's gotten to the point where when I eventually move out, I'm gonna keep her out of my children's lives (when I eventually start a family) and cut her from mine.
@GnomedBinary
While i would agree this sounds like a lot to deal with and going no contact when you are out on your own may be the best thing,,,,
perhaps a mature approach may ask why is she like this? what did she endure was she treated as if she was NEVER right making being right important to her or maybe her parent(s) acted in a similar way?
many times when we are critical of our parents we do not see them as flawed or damaged people or see what they went through. I will tell you finding out later on is depressing as i found my mom's need to be wanted... to be listened to .......stemmed from her being terrified we would make bad choices she had and she sought too much involvement as she thought we would not need her.... if i knew her fears and issues maybe i could have saved our relationship before she passed away.
@toughTiger6481
No, we've always treated her (as best we can) as a normal human being - sure, we've had our heated moments (and will likely continue to).
She has a short temper, which leads to her toxic bouts - she starts 90% of our arguments.
To give an example, just the other night.. we- well, my mom and dad invited some of the neighbors over. Because I didn't feel like participating in whatever they were doing (because it was just between the neighbors and my folks), I just said hello to the guests briefly - said hello to their new dog they brought over and grabbed a plate of food and just went back down to my PC to just chill on my own.
Come the end of the day, my mom of course - gets mad because I decided I wanted to do my own thing (even though her plans didn't involve me to begin with).
@GnomedBinary
When entertaining she somehow expected you to participate (probably did not tell you of what she pictured) .... i think that is normal for most parents to think you would engage more then hi grab food and go to another room .
What I am saying is ANGER ......often comes from frustration or being unhappy etc .... defusing this behavior requires finding the real source .........People always say to the angry person ... "it would be better if you would get rid of your anger why do you snap so quickly etc "
Seldom do they sit down and ask what is behind or under the anger ...what can we do differently ? why are you upset? instead of jumping to accusations about the anger.
it is often NOT about the incident that happened.....but often about bad communication... she should have communicated that she expected or wanted you to be a part of her entertaining. learning better communication is always better then pointing fingers and blaming or labeling
for example when I asked partner to do something and yet they walk by it day after day ......and each time I am told " I forgot" .... then I say "Why not DO IT now ......instead of i will get around to it". they expect me to do things they ask in a timely fashion. When if it is important to them......... they do ASAP ......when it is something for me....... it can wait until i am so *** and do it myself OR they do it and then think or say "there quit being angry..... what a B"
It was not about the item left in middle of things / it is not about prolonged procrastination / it IS about RESPECT for my feelings and wishes.
If you were to speak to my partner they will say "she gets so mad cause i forgot this or that .... how crazy is it for her to be angry so it was a mess for a bit did not bother me " is that what really happened OR do you see the difference in perspective?
Have you had a deep conversation with your mom? could you ask ..." you seem very unhappy or frustrated lately " ( as opposed to all the time ) "what can i do to help ? " ... ....
do not expect something to change IF you think it is about the small things that set it off
