My Journal

@Sparky45 now I've read all the posts you have posted here. I responded earlier when I thought it was just one journal entry. I enjoyed reading them and again thank you for sharing.

12/14/20

Hi,

I’m Sparky!

This is my second time reaching out for support here. When I opened up previously, I started feeling better and thought I was better and was wasting everyone’s time.

I was doing fine and only having “episodes” rarely. When Covid hit I was doing well. Very few days I felt overwhelmed and I enjoyed my personal time away from work.This had been a rare thing because being alone at home is usually a bad time for me.

In August the episodes returned and got worse than before. I cannot afford health insurance (make too much for help and too little to pay myself), I have had to self diagnose. Last year when I started looking for help, my belief was I suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder. That may still be true, but the symptoms have gone more into a Depression realm. I know many times depression and anxiety go hand in hand, so I suspect I’m suffering from both.

A year ago my episodes would manifest themselves with increased tension, sweating, loss of appetite, more sweating, extreme difficulty focusing on tasks, and, of course, feelings of dread. As time went on (and now as the episodes have returned) it’s worse. Days when I have no hope. When I’m overwhelmed. It’s worse on the weekends. There are days I literally don’t get out of bed.

It’s time to get some help and to help myself…..So HI!

Sparky.

12-15-20

I decided the best way to help myself “getting it off my chest” was to go back to something that worked before. A journal. I also thought that sharing it here might benefit others (along with myself). If no one reads these posts, that’s fine. If no one comments on them, I’m cool with that too. But I’m pretty sure sharing will help me and maybe for someone else they will realize someone else has similar issues.

Today for me started good. No anxiety and looking forward to work. The day was moving along ok, until one of my toxic coworkers decided to have their weekly tantrums. Having to interact with someone who gives one word answers or shouts back to figure it out yourself (when it’s their job) just drained me.

The anxiety started and I started having trouble focusing. Muscles got tight. Sweat starts rolling. And I seriously started to consider going home. And of course, the thoughts start. “What is he mad about? Is it something I did?”

This turns to anger. “I’m sick of walking on eggshells around here. If he hates it so much, then he needs to stop threatening to quit and just do it.”

Then back to anxiety. “If he quits I’ll have to do both our jobs. I really don’t want to have to hire and train a new person.”

Even getting a Christmas bonus from my boss barely phased me.

Home….trying to relax (but still wound up) and hoping my son will text me just to say “Hi.”

And hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Sparky

12-16-20 (Today was an anxiety day)

Another day that started out good and then was ruined by the pissy attitude of my coworker. I was doing fine, feeling good, and then he got upset by something that another staff member failed to do. That started the “I’m out of here. I’m finding another job.” along with the apathetic work behavior for the rest of the day.

So, of course, my thoughts start to run away with me. The finding and training a new employee. The extra work load on me when I’m already at my capacity. Taking back tasks that I had delegated that I really don’t want to do. So of course, the tension comes along with the sweats (despite the office being cold) and the inability to focus. I start freaking out and just wanting to go home. I start thinking maybe I should quit and find a less stressful job. (Which isn’t realistic right now.)

I’m so tired of feeling this way and having others triggering my moods. Short term coping techniques just are cutting it anymore. That’s why I came back to 7cups for some support. Deep breathing, meditation, herbal teas….all the do is force the feeling down a bit, but that spectre is always there saying “As soon as you are done, I’m coming back!”

12-17-20 (Today was GOOD)

I mentioned that yesterday was a bad day. Toward midday I started feeling better and pulling out of my episode, but in the afternoon (and on the way home) it all came rushing back. I didn’t want to eat, just wanted to go to bed, and didn’t accomplish anything I wanted to accomplish at home. After a crappy fast food meal (because I was too depressed to cook) and some reading of an old book, I finally started to feel better about bedtime.

Fast forward to today and it was a whole different world. Work was great. My problematic coworker was in a great mood. We all laughed and talked and WORKED. A couple of times I felt my head get a bit tight with anxiety, but it went away quickly.

Something different I did today also was eat lunch. Usually I skip but today was a “healthy” salad. (Dinner wasn’t the best choice, but oh well. Baby steps.)

I spent the evening working on my nutrition and meal plan for next week. I’ve been focusing on my eating habits and lack of exercise to help me reduce the number of depression episodes I have. Lots of my research and reading are showing the way I eat (Fast food, processed garbage, too many sweets) can contribute to all the problems I’m having. SO THAT’S GOING TO CHANGE.

Thanks for being here. It’s nice to be able to share the good and the bad. I wish everyone the help and healing they need.

Sparky.

12-18-20 (2 good days in a row!)

Sometimes when you feel good, you tend to forget how bad the episodes can be. That’s when I have to really remember to enjoy the now and to stick to the routine that works. Weekends are usually the worst for me and when my worst anxiety/depression episodes kick in. So much planned yet I get overwhelmed by even the smallest thing and then go hide under the covers.

Here’s hoping not this weekend!

Perhaps it’s not having the structure and distraction of being at work or perhaps it’s the free time to think that triggers me. I’m not sure. One thing I have been doing lately is avoiding thinking about things that I KNOW can set me off. Sort of a mental “LALALALA - I can’t hear you!” I sing out-loud, I talk to myself, I recite the ABCs….anything to distract my mind from the “scary” overthinking.

I know it’s not super healthy to avoid those things, but it allows me to function. And being able to function means that some of the issues will get solved.

Maybe in my next entry I will cover some of my triggers and issues that bring on my depressive episodes. Maybe if I have a good Saturday.

So today is cleaning, relaxing (a bit), and then a mini-adventure this evening of grocery shopping.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Sparky

12-19-20 (I survived - but it could have been better)

One of the major triggers of depression and anxiety for me is the condition of my home. I’m not a hoarder, I'm just too “lazy” to clean. It’s always been this way but, now as the house has steadily gotten filthier and less taken care of I get overwhelmed.

I was having a decent day getting a bit of cleaning done in anticipation of my son coming to visit from college for 2 nights. He’s used to the mess, but I wanted to at least have a few things cleaner than he expected.

Then I discovered the washer leaking and saw that it must have been going on for awhile. So there went my anxiety through the roof! The washer’s broken and I must get a new one. (Even though I rent, I will buy it myself because I don’t want my landlord coming in.)

So now I’m stressing (but actually not having a freak out totally. I found a washer I can afford and mentally planned the logistics of getting it home.

The anxiety calmed, but that also killed my cleaning motivation. Around 1PM I just was in a funk and couldn’t pull out. I could feel one of my depression episodes coming one and decided to take a nap.

Woke up around 2PM not feeling super better, but also knowing it was mild enough to muscle through. I wasn’t feeling like making the soup I planned for dinner this week, but forced myself to do it while having some jazz Christmas music in the background.

I also went out for my Saturday night adventure. Go get gas, go to check mail and, this week, a trip to Trader Joe’s. I even made a trip to Walmart for exciting things like socks and a new dish drainer.

Thanks for listening….

Sparky

12-20-20 (I wish weekends were easier)

Sunday was ok until around 1230. I hadn’t heard from my son (who is in college and an adult) and started getting anxious and depressed. This is another one of my triggers I am trying to work through.

It’s not that I need a conversation, just if I don’t get a “good morning” or “hello” I start to freak out. Anxiety followed by extreme nervousness and then depression. It’s usually when I feel my worst. I’m usually not worrying about anything in particular about hime (I know he’s safe and has his own life.) It’s just that I am no longer seeing him and in control of what he does.

Three weeks ago I hit the lowest point I’ve ever been at. My college son hadn’t sent me a text for awhile, I was looking around being overwhelmed by my filthy house, and I just couldn’t do anything. I hid in bed and napped when I could, but was a wreck.

I forced myself to go out and get gas then something to eat. Or so I planned. After pumping the gas, my will just left me. I sat in the car and started to cry. About nothing. (My son not texting, filthy house, his breakup with his girlfriend, money….life.)

I skipped dinner and went home. At home I started to look up surefire and painless methods. I started planning what I needed to organize for after I was gone. And the crying continued.

I DON’T WANT TO YOU KNOW BUT I WANT THESE FEELINGS TO STOP. I want the old me back.

I got up and called my son. I know he’s an adult, but I needed to talk to him to calm down. I hate the fact that my peace revolves around him and know it’s not healthy. I also don’t want him to feel he has to be my savior. I’m trying to learn to let him lead his own life and not be so needy on my end.

Sparky

12-21-20 (A “Meh” day is better than a bad one.)

Work was fine. All day was ok, only one little anxiety increase and that was related to a customer issue that a “normal” person would have reacted the same way to.

Was a bit depressed and losing focus/motivation on the way home. So much to do, so overwhelming, and just unable to see a reason for being….but I forced through. My son will be home for 2 days for Christmas and I’m working on cleaning (a bit.)

I ate healthy, researched more on diet/exercise/losing weight in relation to depression and anxiety. Hoping it can help me since I won’t do medication and can’t afford therapy.

I guess my only other issue was frustration with 7cups itself. I was trying to make a post explaining a past depression episode. The algorithm (or whatever) kept saying “Are you in crisis?” and would not allow me to post. I understand the purpose and maybe erroring on the side of caution if good - but if I was actually in crisis then not being able to post might have been enough to push me further. (What do I know?)

Sparky

12/22/20 (Today was a roller coaster)

I usually write these entries the day after to allow myself to digest the events and feelings. Today is weird though. I’m feeling great. Energized, excited, and enjoying the moment. And yesterday sucked. Hard.

I had to reach out to a coworker on vacation because an estimate he did wasn’t complete, it was a BIG job, and the customer just approved the purchase if we could make a year end deadline. The coworker was a complete jerk and basically called me incompetant, started texting profanity because I bothered him and “couldn’t do my job”, and then went off the rails because (at the company owner’s instructions) I added a discount to get the work.

When I saw that the bid was wrong and did not include the extra the client wanted, I apologized to my coworker (even though it was his fault we weren’t meeting expectations) and that we could discuss and update everything on Monday. He then refused to back off and insisted that if I didn’t send him the info he would make sure the job didn’t get completed in time.

I was so shocked and angry - but I refused to respond to his negativity. But holding in those emotions ruined my day and all night I just wondered if I should quit instead of work in such a constantly hostile environment….and of course that set off a evening of anxiety and worthlessness.

Sparky.

12/23/20

(Overall - not terrible)

Today went fairly well. I cleaned some (which for me is a huge deal) and spoke to my former supervisor (who recently left for another company) about the behavior of my troublesome coworker. Felt OK to get it off my chest, even if his suggestion wasn’t to my liking.

I still spent part of the day upset about what happened at work the day before and it did taint my mood. Mostly it sapped my motivation to do physical work. I was able to meal plan and work on my new eating habits so that was positive.

This year I just can’t get into the Christmas Spirit and would much rather just let the day pass without notice. Unfortunately, family obligations force me to go out the next two days and pretend to be merry.

Even my son coming for a short visit isn’t really helping. Not getting at least a text from him once a day is usually one of my anxiety triggers, but him visiting just means he’s going to leave and that hurts worse. Add the face that he is only staying Christmas night out of obligation...well let’s just say I’m overthinking everything.

Sparky

12/24/20

(It was a GREAT day!)

I feel guilty writing about the day because it was so good, I felt so great, and I had no issues or episodes. Having my son with me and, truthfully, forcing myself not to think about the things that set me off (i.e. avoiding reality) gave me a day of peace and joy.

I am slightly apprehensive because the real world restarts on the 26th, but for now, I’m learning to mostly ignore thinking about it.

I don’t like not thinking about upcoming problems because it makes me feel as if I’m running away from them. I’ve always been the type to think and think about an issue to solve it. Unfortunately, many of those “thinking spells” now get out of control and send me into an anxiety episode or depression. So, for now, I’m trying this approach. Maybe it’s not right or adult. Maybe it is not healthy. But it sure beats being stuck in bed or unable to function.

Sparky

12/25/20

(Not bad...a little episode)

Mostly OK. A bit of an anxiety episode midday due to me overthinking being alone again tomorrow and having to go back to my normal life. Over fairly quickly as I started interacting with my son on a project.

Still a bit “worried” about what tomorrow will bring. But one day at a time….

Sparky

12/26/20

(Meh….here it comes again)

I write this because I hope it helps me. Maybe when I look back I can revisit my feelings and where my mind was. But it gets tougher. If I’m feeling great, it’s easy. When I’m feeling bad or having an episode of anxiety and/or depression it can be (sometimes) a release. But when I am feeling “blah” then it seems to be harder. Writing about how I’m feeling seems to make me even more down. (If writing about feeling good, then I get upset I’m not feeling good at the moment. If I wrote about feeling bad, then I get upset thinking about those emotions.) AGHHHH!

It was an “OK” day. Didn’t motivate myself much and did sit around too much under the pretense of “research” and “planning”. I did make my grocery store runs in the evening, but even the usual little enjoyment from that I usually get was fogged over.

My mind is starting to play with the idea that I no longer have a purpose. My son (who I raised alone since he was 2) is grown and living his own life. I have no “significant other”. My weight (which I am working on) and the condition of my home (which I pretend to work on but always get overwhelmed) means that even if I meet someone I can’t bring them home even for dinner.

This has gotten long enough. I’ll finish these thoughts tomorrow. (Trust me, they will still be here.)

Sparky

12/27/20

(Not a good day)

Just couldn’t get it together. Tense, anxious, and depressed. Felt hopeless. In bed much later than normal, no interest in anything. I did force myself to do some productive tasks, but it wasn’t much.

Took a nap that I didn’t need to hide from the feelings. Soothing tea. A warm bath. Nothing helped. Ate my meals, but only sort of on plan and wasn’t hungry at all.

Just want these bad feelings to end. It’s getting too much to deal with everyday. Sometimes it’s depression. Sometimes it’s anxiety. But it’s getting worse.

I know part of the problem is my lifestyle. But it’s so hard to change and living differently doesn’t seem like me. I have no friends. I get along with my two coworkers, but we don’t have the same interests. Before Covid I considered some “Meetup” events, but just never could get over my social awkwardness and nerves to go.

During Covid I even got my ham radio license. I studied and passed the tests, bought the radio and gear, and even reached out to speak with several people. But it was just so awkward. And then suddenly I gave up. It didn’t matter and it wasn’t fun anymore.

I did buy a couple of books that I’ve read good reviews on. Hopefully they will help. Days like this I am seriously losing it.

Sparky

12/28/20

The biggest thing I need to learn is to not freak out when my son doesn’t communicate with me. He’s an adult, he has to live his own life, and I must learn to deal with it.

Those are fine words, but so difficult to actually accomplish. I just want a “good morning” or “hello” text. Maybe a touch base during the day.

When I don’t hear from him, the anxiety ramps up and causes me to not be able to function on anything else. If I do successfully “not worry” I am numb to everything else I am doing because I am suppressing emotions.

I’m not sure what I am worried about. Intellectually, I know he loves me, I know he is alive, I know he is fine. But emotionally, I need the contact.

This is one of my two biggest triggers and one, I really want to learn to control and deal with because it stops me in my tracks. The anxiety turns into depression and then all I can do is cry and sleep….which sets off my other triggers.

I need to find a solution to this.

Sparky

@Sparky45 Good morning Sparky. I admire your courage in sharing these personal journal entries. I often feel very anxious and overwhelmed at work too. I am constantly reminding myself that I am the only thing in my environment that I can control. It has helped but I still have really hard days. Just yesterday I almost had a panic attack and was hyperventilating at work. I am new to 7 cups myself but just reading other people's stories and learning through the growth path has helped me a little. I hope that you feel better soon and that you feel proud of yourself for opening up and taking this difficult first step.

01/02/21

(What a week!)

Happy New Year!

I moved my journal to the diary forum because I just found out it existed! I also reposted all my old entries so I have them in one place.

What a week. IT’S BEEN GREAT! So much so that I stopped writing in my journal because I did not want to relive or think about bad emotions / depression / anxiety.

Tuesday (12/29/20) I was having a rough anxious morning. Nothing I couldn’t control, but it wasn’t nice. I usually call my mother on Tuesday while driving home but really just didn’t want to that day. I did because she looks forward to the calls. I’m so glad I did. We talked, laughed, and I shared what I was doing to improve my health (diet / exercise).

While on the call, my son sent me a text about something silly in his life. And between those two things, my gloom lifted. I made a terrible dinner (who cares, it was healthy) and enjoyed the evening.

Wednesday and Thursday were the same positive days. Friday I was off work and had a productive day around the house. I got some cleaning done (mostly superficial, but it’s a start) and didn’t even take my usual nap.

I did stay up a bit later than I should have so hopefully today won’t be too bad. It’s early and I’m starting to feel the anxiety coming on. Not sure if writing in the journal triggered it or if I’m worrying about not feeling good and that is making me not feel good. Either way, I’m fighting through it.

Sparky

Why did I stop added to this? Because I was finding that reliving and writing about how bad I was feeling was making me feel worse.

Based on a suggestion from a supporter, I've started a Gratitude Journal instead. A chance to look at the good things in my life. That doesn't mean ignore the bad, just deal with those things as they come, mindfully, instead of rumenating on them.