My Journal
12/14/20
Hi,
I’m Sparky!
This is my second time reaching out for support here. When I opened up previously, I started feeling better and thought I was better and was wasting everyone’s time.
I was doing fine and only having “episodes” rarely. When Covid hit I was doing well. Very few days I felt overwhelmed and I enjoyed my personal time away from work.This had been a rare thing because being alone at home is usually a bad time for me.
In August the episodes returned and got worse than before. I cannot afford health insurance (make too much for help and too little to pay myself), I have had to self diagnose. Last year when I started looking for help, my belief was I suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder. That may still be true, but the symptoms have gone more into a Depression realm. I know many times depression and anxiety go hand in hand, so I suspect I’m suffering from both.
A year ago my episodes would manifest themselves with increased tension, sweating, loss of appetite, more sweating, extreme difficulty focusing on tasks, and, of course, feelings of dread. As time went on (and now as the episodes have returned) it’s worse. Days when I have no hope. When I’m overwhelmed. It’s worse on the weekends. There are days I literally don’t get out of bed.
It’s time to get some help and to help myself…..So HI!
Sparky.
12-15-20
I decided the best way to help myself “getting it off my chest” was to go back to something that worked before. A journal. I also thought that sharing it here might benefit others (along with myself). If no one reads these posts, that’s fine. If no one comments on them, I’m cool with that too. But I’m pretty sure sharing will help me and maybe for someone else they will realize someone else has similar issues.
Today for me started good. No anxiety and looking forward to work. The day was moving along ok, until one of my toxic coworkers decided to have their weekly tantrums. Having to interact with someone who gives one word answers or shouts back to figure it out yourself (when it’s their job) just drained me.
The anxiety started and I started having trouble focusing. Muscles got tight. Sweat starts rolling. And I seriously started to consider going home. And of course, the thoughts start. “What is he mad about? Is it something I did?”
This turns to anger. “I’m sick of walking on eggshells around here. If he hates it so much, then he needs to stop threatening to quit and just do it.”
Then back to anxiety. “If he quits I’ll have to do both our jobs. I really don’t want to have to hire and train a new person.”
Even getting a Christmas bonus from my boss barely phased me.
Home….trying to relax (but still wound up) and hoping my son will text me just to say “Hi.”
And hoping for a better day tomorrow.
Sparky
12-16-20 (Today was an anxiety day)
Another day that started out good and then was ruined by the pissy attitude of my coworker. I was doing fine, feeling good, and then he got upset by something that another staff member failed to do. That started the “I’m out of here. I’m finding another job.” along with the apathetic work behavior for the rest of the day.
So, of course, my thoughts start to run away with me. The finding and training a new employee. The extra work load on me when I’m already at my capacity. Taking back tasks that I had delegated that I really don’t want to do. So of course, the tension comes along with the sweats (despite the office being cold) and the inability to focus. I start freaking out and just wanting to go home. I start thinking maybe I should quit and find a less stressful job. (Which isn’t realistic right now.)
I’m so tired of feeling this way and having others triggering my moods. Short term coping techniques just are cutting it anymore. That’s why I came back to 7cups for some support. Deep breathing, meditation, herbal teas….all the do is force the feeling down a bit, but that spectre is always there saying “As soon as you are done, I’m coming back!”
12-17-20 (Today was GOOD)
I mentioned that yesterday was a bad day. Toward midday I started feeling better and pulling out of my episode, but in the afternoon (and on the way home) it all came rushing back. I didn’t want to eat, just wanted to go to bed, and didn’t accomplish anything I wanted to accomplish at home. After a crappy fast food meal (because I was too depressed to cook) and some reading of an old book, I finally started to feel better about bedtime.
Fast forward to today and it was a whole different world. Work was great. My problematic coworker was in a great mood. We all laughed and talked and WORKED. A couple of times I felt my head get a bit tight with anxiety, but it went away quickly.
Something different I did today also was eat lunch. Usually I skip but today was a “healthy” salad. (Dinner wasn’t the best choice, but oh well. Baby steps.)
I spent the evening working on my nutrition and meal plan for next week. I’ve been focusing on my eating habits and lack of exercise to help me reduce the number of depression episodes I have. Lots of my research and reading are showing the way I eat (Fast food, processed garbage, too many sweets) can contribute to all the problems I’m having. SO THAT’S GOING TO CHANGE.
Thanks for being here. It’s nice to be able to share the good and the bad. I wish everyone the help and healing they need.
Sparky.
12-18-20 (2 good days in a row!)
Sometimes when you feel good, you tend to forget how bad the episodes can be. That’s when I have to really remember to enjoy the now and to stick to the routine that works. Weekends are usually the worst for me and when my worst anxiety/depression episodes kick in. So much planned yet I get overwhelmed by even the smallest thing and then go hide under the covers.
Here’s hoping not this weekend!
Perhaps it’s not having the structure and distraction of being at work or perhaps it’s the free time to think that triggers me. I’m not sure. One thing I have been doing lately is avoiding thinking about things that I KNOW can set me off. Sort of a mental “LALALALA - I can’t hear you!” I sing out-loud, I talk to myself, I recite the ABCs….anything to distract my mind from the “scary” overthinking.
I know it’s not super healthy to avoid those things, but it allows me to function. And being able to function means that some of the issues will get solved.
Maybe in my next entry I will cover some of my triggers and issues that bring on my depressive episodes. Maybe if I have a good Saturday.
So today is cleaning, relaxing (a bit), and then a mini-adventure this evening of grocery shopping.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Sparky
@Sparky45 Good morning Sparky. I admire your courage in sharing these personal journal entries. I often feel very anxious and overwhelmed at work too. I am constantly reminding myself that I am the only thing in my environment that I can control. It has helped but I still have really hard days. Just yesterday I almost had a panic attack and was hyperventilating at work. I am new to 7 cups myself but just reading other people's stories and learning through the growth path has helped me a little. I hope that you feel better soon and that you feel proud of yourself for opening up and taking this difficult first step.
01/02/21
(What a week!)
Happy New Year!
I moved my journal to the diary forum because I just found out it existed! I also reposted all my old entries so I have them in one place.
What a week. IT’S BEEN GREAT! So much so that I stopped writing in my journal because I did not want to relive or think about bad emotions / depression / anxiety.
Tuesday (12/29/20) I was having a rough anxious morning. Nothing I couldn’t control, but it wasn’t nice. I usually call my mother on Tuesday while driving home but really just didn’t want to that day. I did because she looks forward to the calls. I’m so glad I did. We talked, laughed, and I shared what I was doing to improve my health (diet / exercise).
While on the call, my son sent me a text about something silly in his life. And between those two things, my gloom lifted. I made a terrible dinner (who cares, it was healthy) and enjoyed the evening.
Wednesday and Thursday were the same positive days. Friday I was off work and had a productive day around the house. I got some cleaning done (mostly superficial, but it’s a start) and didn’t even take my usual nap.
I did stay up a bit later than I should have so hopefully today won’t be too bad. It’s early and I’m starting to feel the anxiety coming on. Not sure if writing in the journal triggered it or if I’m worrying about not feeling good and that is making me not feel good. Either way, I’m fighting through it.
Sparky
Why did I stop added to this? Because I was finding that reliving and writing about how bad I was feeling was making me feel worse.
Based on a suggestion from a supporter, I've started a Gratitude Journal instead. A chance to look at the good things in my life. That doesn't mean ignore the bad, just deal with those things as they come, mindfully, instead of rumenating on them.