My Depression Diary

@Indigopineapple

Hello @Indigopineapple ,

I'm truly sorry to hear that you're going such an immensely tough time in life. And I'm glad that you joined the 7 cups community to share your story with us. Because just by doing this, I can see that you're not a human being that is void of value, but a perfectly able human being who bravely and honestly expressed your true emotions. Not all people could do this, believe me.

I really admire your determination and courage to explore and indulge in what you truly love in life instead of merely sticking to the job you dislike. And for 3 years, until now! You're awesome!! and I'm going to repeat that once more. YOU'RE AWESOME.

Although you say that you failed to obtain accreditation, and did not earn as much money as you could compared to your other job, I would like to ask you one question. One question which its important far exceeds the significant of materialistic aspects in life

DO YOU FEEL HAPPY?

Do you feel truly happy while doing photography? It dosen't matter if you failed to achieve greater heights or you earn less money than the other. What matters is does it keep you happy? Perhaps you might think that it would be naive to say that earning less money for a job you life does not matter, but I believe that it is not naive to say that because happiness itself is invaluable.

I do agree to some extent that money plays an important part in life. But, I hope you could understand that in life, there's a constant cycle of ups and downs. When you're feeling like you're almost achieving your dreams, everything comes tumbling down into the depths of despair. Thus, we can never truly do what we want in life without adapting to such ups and downs, and to put it simply, making compromises.

Moreover, although you say that you are bad at doing your main job, but the fact that you still earn money from it suggests that other people acknowledges your ability to at least do well in it. We as humans have eyes to see other people clearly and a mind to focus on things we need to do. but we can never always see how well we are doing in a situation. That's why such things as rewards exists. And perhaps your reward for doing well in the job you think you're doing bad in, is getting paid. :)

Thus, in life I truly believe that we all have to do what we like as much as what we don't like. As a student, I hate studying for exams as it restricts me to think a certain way, but at the same time I work hard to write stories as I aspire to become a novelist someday. Even though it seems like a dream that is unachievable, I do it because I like it. And this is compromising with the things the world expects me to do, but also the things I truly want to do myself.

Yet, you're already embarking on this journey of compromisation without realizing. This is why I really admire your courage in the very beginning. However, you falling down and facing challenges along the journey does not mean that you are worthless, nor a failure. There comes a point in everyone's life where we would need people there to help us get up again, and you doing that does not mean you're weak too. Your post right here proves that you're strong enough to ask for help, and that shows how worthy you are, as a human. And I believe that someday you will succeed in getting where you want to be, because everyone deserves to enjoy happiness and feel better in life. Especially you, and whoever is reading this post as well.

Yours sincerely,

Lynn

@Indigopineapple Hello, I'm Jan. I'm sorry you feel this way, I know there's no point in telling you otherwise because you wouldn't feel it, which I respect. Depression distorts like a hall of mirrors, but creativity and depression seem to walk hand in hand. And that's a good thing despite how dark a place it lives in. I often wonder if one can exist without the other, we're all shadows and light, pain and beauty. That's what you capture when you take photographs, time caught in that moment, a moment that will never be again, and you see it, you see things maybe other people miss, pass by. Photographs are like stories, and you're the storyteller. To not do that, to go to work where you have to silence that, is suffocating. I have no idea who or what or where you photograph. I do know how powerful and evocative photographs can be. They can inspire, make you wonder, make you laugh, make you cry, make you not want to look, make you want to look so hard your eyes burn. And you have all of that in your hands when you pick up a camera. So don't compare yourself to others. Only you can tell the story as you see it, because no one else will ever see it in quite the same way. Creative careers don't pay much at first, if ever, although the potential for success is huge. Either way, it's no reflection on you. If you have a passion, a love, a fire for what you do, that's success. I can appreciate your frustration with your current job, how it can take confidence. I've been in similar situations, and it's like losing yourself, or at least that's how I felt. I want to be a writer but to function in the real world, I've had to shut down, I spent years not writing, instead using skills that weren't real for me. Then I realised that I can make my own reality, so now I write. It's terrifyingly liberating, I may fail spectacularly but so what? Maybe I won't. So do what's right for you. There are many opportunities for photography, and even if it's hard for you to believe, you have a voice and a story that people want to listen to. I hope life brings some light to you. Here if ever you'd like to talk. Take care, Jan

Thanks...I don't know what to say, I guess I'm not happy. I work in the kind of environment, where as a long as you don't do anything that would be classed as criminal or gross negligence, then you can't be fired, but in my life a pattern has developed, and while I can't be fired, when I eventually leave a job, I'm told it was 'interesting' and maybe I'll find my true calling elsewhere.

I enjoy photography, but I'm really not a photographer, I don't deserve to call myself one, I'm just a hack, and I don't enjoy it as much when I can't find the time for it as I struggle to get work completed to the deadline I was set and I don't want to admit to customers I have a full time job.

Back in work today, and I don't know if I can do it. I've only been there for four months and I already feel like a line has been crossed, I'm ashamed at my lack of sticking power and in awe of how other people manage it. I had a pain in my back, like a knot. It's been there for a couple of weeks but it become distractingly bad last week and when I started losing feeling in my hands it made it difficult to work. I called in sick and made an appointment to see a doctor. He thought it sounded like a trapped nerve, I called in sick the following two days going into the weekend and the pain disappeared.

During this time I worked on my photography, but feel stressed about that too, I only have so much time and can't manage two jobs but I have no choice. The stress my main job creates leaves me little mental strength left to focus on photography. I can't concentrate on anything at all, the the time I have to put in to making it all work leaves me no time to relax. Everything is just killing me.

Within hours of being back at work, the pain was back. Only this time I can't admit it, I've already taken three days off sick and people are suspicious that a trapped nerve is really anything you can be so badly with that you can't go to work. As soon as I got in, I felt I got the third degree, and as I tried and failed to keep up with the workload and catch up on the work I'd missed I realised I was letting people down all over again. This is the line I refer to, I've known it before, where suddenly my position feels untenable, although I can't afford to quit I'm sure now everyone sees me as someone on their way out.

I'm scared of what my future holds, of how meaningless my life is of how little pleasure there is in living, of how many more mistakes I will make and of how nobody knows or cares about me. I really don't see any sense in continuing, I only do so because life forces me to endure more pain and more heartache, but I see no happy ending. Just year upon endless year of this, alone and unhappy and unloved.