Mack’s Garden 🌱🌻
This is pretty much just gonna be my own little space to complain and vent and try to update people on anything that comes up since my life is an unpredictable adventure ✨ I will probably also use it as my own appreciation corner for others and some TED Talks may take place here 😀 Ignore if you want, or don’t. I can’t promise it will be all that interesting.
Tagging some people that may potentially care to see what I have to say when I post here- @ALeXaNdEr0712 @Amymir6 @MelodyoftheOcean @Astraeuss @CalmCoral (and because you said you would subscribe to this thread if I ever created it 😀- @CommunityModKay)
This isn’t gonna be so happy or lighthearted. Anyone who is about to read it feel free to skip over it.
I don’t know what i’m doing anymore. I wake up, I exist, I do a bunch of things I don’t even enjoy doing to pass the time and then I go to sleep and wake up and do it all over again. It’s never ending. Im not even doing anything significant but it’s so god damn exhausting. And what’s any of it even for? There’s no reward, no positive outcome. All that happens at the end of the day is I feel like a worthless nobody who can’t make something of their pathetic waste of a life. It so tiring, and it hurts. everything hurts so *** bad. Always. I breathe and it hurts, I try to smile and it hurts, I talk and it hurts, I can’t even *** think anymore without feeling hurt. This isn’t how life is supposed to be, is it? What’s the point of it if it just hurts relentlessly? It’s supposed to be better than this right? Other people are happy. And maybe I’m the problem. I just can’t get over ***. But I don’t know how to. And now I’ve once again managed to push away almost everyone I care about. Jesus *** christ what in the actual *** is wrong with me? I don’t want to be like this anymore, I don’t want to be me anymore. I want to be someone else, anyone else. Just for one day. I don’t care if their life is worse or better than mine, either way maybe it would help ya know? If their life is ”better” than mine I could work towards that, and know what it is I’m working towards. If it’s “worse” than mine maybe I could be a bit more grateful for the things I do have. But I need something that isn’t this, I need a break. And I know it’s not possible but I can’t *** do this anymore..
That’s all, if anyone actually read that I apologize now for what you just had to deal with.
@Mack Hi Mack 💙 I'm sorry that everything feels this way right now. I want you to know that everything you are feeling is valid and you don't have to feel like you have to change it right now. It's okay to sit in your feelings, but don't linger in them for too long. I understand these feelings and life can feel like we're in a stalemate sometimes, but things do move on eventually! I promise you that you are not alone, even if it feels like it. A lot of people are in similar situations, but they don't openly share it. Try to find the comfort in that, if you can. You are doing amazing at your job and each day is a day closer to achieving all your goals! Things take time. Listen, I've applied to graduate school 3 times now and sometimes I feel like I'm the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. My field only takes 8 applicants at each school per year and it's so hard reading that rejection letter each year, but I know that I'll get there eventually. It's hard seeing all my friends move on with their lives while I'm still living at home, but I try to just enjoy the moment! Being in a rut is tough and I'm not saying you aren't alone to be in one, but it's about trying to find the little things that you enjoy and that bring that light to your life everyday. You have so many people supporting you here and we are always on your side! Try to hang in there ❤️
@Mack
I know it's real exhausting to deal with life when it feels no matter what u do it all keeps going wrong and u getting nowhere and just stuck, u ain't a nobody Mack u being here alive and with us is real good and I'm real proud of u and real glad that u keep pushing through stuff and trying and facing it all even when it all feels like a lot and impossible. I know u hurting and life is painful and unfair and just a bunch of crap after crap and u need a break and help and peace and it's real bad when u can't have it and it's harder when u can't find a reason that's worth all this, yea life ain't supposed to be like this
U ain't a bad person and u ain't ur parents, u are much better than that, we mess up? Yea a lot and I know it's hard when we know we hurt people and we don't react or deal with stuff well, it's hard but ain't ur fault, u didn't have the tools or the right people around u to teach u, even when all u had was *** up people who hurt u, u still try to do better and be better and that makes u better than them. U deserve forgiveness and understanding and compassion and kindness above all, its hard to see good things n urself but u have a lot of good yk, we make mistakes and u struggling doesn't make u a bad person and u shouldn't be alone or judged or rejected for having struggles when u doing best u can to figure out how to live and do good, u trying and I know people don't realize how hard it is to do all that when u are alone.
I ain't the best and I know I don't deal with stuff right and tend to isolate myself and leave and reject help and stuff but I do care about u a lot and u still have me here with u no matter what and I'm sorry if it seems like I don't care sometimes but I do think about u and hope u are ok and appreciate u a lot, u have always been real understanding and kind and patient and caring with me, u have so much good to give and I'm sorry if people don't give all that to u cause u deserve to not be left alone when u struggling most.
Keep hanging in there for what is worth u still have someone rooting for u
@CommunityModKay
omg wtf
@Mack
life can be really hard, so always remember the stuffies are with you 🧸🧸🧸
back with another breakdown/vent 😀 as always, feel free to ignore
(TW for some parts)
I don’t even know what’s wrong with me at this point. I’m just so exhausted. Mentally and physically. Nothing even has to happen but I still manage to have breakdowns over the most random things. I feel like I am always on one of the two extreme sides of the spectrum- completely closed off and refusing to acknowledge anything is wrong or having a complete breakdown and saying just everything. I hate it so much. I feel so defected. Why can’t I just be normal and be able to appropriately express my emotions. It’s honestly so frustrating.
Aside from that, this week has been complete ***. I got sick, I ended up stranded on the side of the road, and the best of all- I basically came to the realization that something I brushed off and labeled as a “miscommunication” turned out to be SA. Honestly I cant stop thinking about it. It hurts more than it should. It’s not like it’s the first time someone has taken advantage of me like that, but the situation was so weird and I spend two months acting like it was nothing and then one 5 minute conversation changed all of it. I’ve found a new level of hate for myself because of it too.
I’m so tired of being nothing but a body. An object. *I* will never be good enough, but my body always will be. And maybe part of it is my fault. I let things happen to me and I put myself in had situations. But I’ve been trying so hard to work on not acting on the impulsive thoughts and have been doing so well. But ever since realizing what happened a couple months ago wasn’t just a miscommunication but instead he knew exactly what he was doing, the self hate and self destruction is worse than ever. It’s like I’m unlovable. I as a person am completely unlovable and unworthy. Like my body is the only thing that gives me any amount of value because even though I’m unlovable, I’m still ***- and that’s the only thing I am good for. It kinda hurts because I want to be wanted for me, not my body. I want people to see *me* and not my body. But that’s not how it is, that’s not how it will ever be. And I just don’t get it.
Life feels so pointless right now. I don’t want to unalive, but I’m so tired of existing. If that even makes sense. Like I just need a change, I need just one good day. Something to remind me life can be okay sometimes. Because right now it feels like it’s just some twisted game. I’m tired of hearing “it will get better” because I’ve been waiting for it to get better and it hasn’t. I’m tired of hearing “It’s a bad day, not a bad life” because this bad day has lasted 17 years. Maybe I sound pessimistic but I can’t believe it til I see it. I try to have hope that someday things will turn around, will get better. But it’s getting really hard. Especially hard now that I have nobody to go to in the hard moments and I need support. Nobody to go to when I’m excited and want to tell someone. It hurts to always be alone. I know it’s my fault, I know I’m the one who ruined things with everyone. I always do, I don’t know why I do but I can’t get myself to stop. But it is what it is I guess.
*** happens and you just have to get up, move on and keep going. But I just want to be able to crumble right now. To fall apart and have someone by my side when I need help picking myself back up. I know it’s probably selfish to want that, and I know I can’t expect that from anyone. But I can’t help wanting that. It’s exhausting to always have to pick yourself up, push everything down and pretend everything is fine. I’m tired, but because I have nobody else to go to I can’t rest because I have to constantly pick myself and push myself to keep going, even when I want to give up. And to step back from that would be to give up on life and that’s just not an option because I’m here. Even when I don’t wanna be I am. And I just have to deal with that.
That’s all for now, I’m tired of typing 😀. In the off chance anyone read thru all of that, I’m sorry. And thank you I guess.
I don’t even really know what I’m doing here atp lol. Anyways, in the small chance anyone even reads this, here I go~
I don’t really know how to say what I want to say. It’s so messy in my mind, everything in my mind is a mess really. But today I was kinda just evaluating myself. Someone said some stuff that sort of set me off. And then I thought about the way certain things hurt me. And realized that the things that hurt me are things I tend to do to others when I’m having an episode. Maybe the difference is I don’t have the intention of hurting others, at least usually I don’t. I know I get to a point where I stop caring at times but mostly I do care, even about people I don’t like. But that doesn’t change the fact that I say/do these things. And I guess it just started to make me feel like I’m a bad person. The more I thought about it the more confirmation I got from myself that I am. I know we are always our own worst enemies but I tried to put the self hate aside for a moment to figure it out. Even if I didn’t hate myself I genuinely don’t think it would change that I feel as if I’m a bad person.
I just think about what I’ve done in the past, the way I may have hurt others…maybe I have my reasons but they aren’t excuses. There’s no justification for causing harm to someone else (obviously aside from self defense). I don’t intend to hurt people but that doesn’t mean I haven’t and it doesn’t make the fact that I have any better. My biggest fear has always been becoming like my parents. I try so hard everyday to be better than them. Use them as examples of who not to be. And even though the severity of what I do isn’t as great, I’m still hurting people. And that in itself makes me no better than them. I guess when people say hurt people hurt people they aren’t lying, but it’s such an impossible situation.
When I’m really angry and don’t have an outlet I go off on people, and it’s really hard when the only outlet that helps is getting it out by talking to someone. Ultimately I will be taking it out on someone and that could hurt them. But once I realize I hurt them I feel so sad and guilty and angry with myself that I just end up hurting myself as a way to I guess make it right. Like a punishment. But even then, it doesn’t make it better because I still hurt someone and I can’t u do that.
I guess it’s good that I can recognize these things, but that doesn’t really make it better. I can explain it but I can’t excuse it. And I don’t know how to change it. And I feel like that makes me a bad person, which also really hurts because I want to be good. I want to do good and make people feel good and I want to just be good but i’m just not…I’m nothing good and everything bad. And I really just don’t know what to do anymore…
@Mack
it’s important to remember that we are still kids, and although you’ll be 18 soon I’m sure youve heard people say that your still a kid when your 18 car into your mid 20’s. When a kid like you or me or anyone in a not great house really grows up around those things with no way to emotionally regulate this big and bold emotions constantly around use it’s hard. We tend to hide these emotions, lash out, even hurt ourselves.
We don’t particularly learn how to deal with the big things, but as we get older we realize we don’t know how to deal with little things either, and that can come out in all the ways above. It’s hard to learn how to regulate things.
To add on as a kid we are often the ones to blame for all bad, or we can’t blame these people we hope or want to believe that love us so we do ourselves as little kids. And even when we realize they are bad, we still blame ourselves for things.
bad and good person is all in the eyes you veiw it is. We all veiw it diffrent. To me bad is with the intention of hurting another. But to you it may not be, but even if you say your a bad person, to some extent you still know your not on that same level. Your hurting mack, and that’s okay. We don’t need to be good, or even perfect, we are still learning and coping like a little kid would because we never had that time, yet with these big issues. Some even more then a lot of others our age.
And as we grow up we also take our parents as examples of how to deal with things and they get ingrained, honestly no abused kids is ever really a great person at first, or even for a few years, or much longer. It’s all a journey.
I know you’ve probably hard this all before, but either way I wanted to send you this
hey mack it's naomi obviously but its been awhile since we've talked so i just wanna check on you and see how you're doing.
How are you mack?
@Nomifordays
Awe you’re a sweetheart. Im existing rn but that’s about it.I hope you’re doing okay 💕
@Mack
thanks
As always, anyone who may end up seeing this, feel free to ignore.
It’s not fair, the way everything hurts. Feeling suffocated and isolated day after day after day. Struggling to wake up but knowing I have to. Watching life happen around me. It all feels so surreal, like I’m in a dream- or nightmare. I exist but I’m not there. It all feels so distant as if I’m staring at a TV screen. Observing the world around me but not being part of it. Passing by hundreds of people everyday. I pay attention to them, so they pay attention to me too? Take note of how my hands are on the steering wheel as they pass me? Focus in on the shoes I’m wearing as they walk by me? Take notice of the makeup I spent an hour doing earlier that day? Pay attention to what my shirt looks like, the colors and patterns. Because I do. I see it, I absorb the world around me. Give so much attention to the small details of people I don’t know. Always think to myself “I hope they are doing okay” and wonder if I should tell them something nice, wave to them, smile at them. Just in case they are having a really bad day, because maybe doing that would make it just a little better for them. But I usually don’t. I usually don’t because I don’t feel there. I try to place myself in the moment but it feels so far away, feels like something I’m just watching happen. I don’t identify with myself. I can’t connect my mind and body. I feel like a stranger to myself day after day, and it hurts. Waking up hurts, existing hurts, going to sleep hurts, and every day to day activity in between- it all hurts so bad. I feel crazy. In a constant state of confusion. It’s so isolating and anxiety inducing. It’s getting so hard to breathe. I feel like I am drowning, and nobody’s there to pull me out of the water. I silently scream for help and nobody hears me. I need to speak up, be louder. But I don’t know how to. How to use my voice. Crazy right? Mack not being able to use their voice, who would have guessed? I can speak up for everyone but myself, advocate for everyone but me. If I try to speak up for myself my words get stuck in my throat. I forget how to breathe and I freeze up. And then I feel guilty, so damn guilty for just /thinking/ about advocating for myself. I need help, I know I do. I’m trying to ask for it but it’s so *** hard. I need someone to save me because I can’t save myself. I am losing to my own mind and I don’t know what to do anymore.
