@LoverOfTheOcean personal space
Hello everyone!!
I want to create a space for myself so I can vent and deal with my emotions and such. I don't always feel like talking to people f2f about what's going on and picking up a pen to write is sometimes harder than typing it out.
So I thought I'd use this space as a personal diary. Support and advice is always welcome.
Right now I'm dealing with mixed feelings about my ex. As in we decided we'd still be friends, but I find it hard to navigate this friendship, since I still have feelings for him. There's part of me that wants to get back but knows I should move forward and it's the hardest thing I've ever been through so far. It's like I'm constantly fighting off this fantasy I created in my head and I can't seem to shake it off just yet. My mind keeps drifting off to what could have been. But I also have thoughts where I'm like, I'm so done with this I'm going to move forward now. It's exhausting.
I'll be focusing on myself for the rest of the day. I made a planning and I'm gonna stick to it for once. To whoever reads this I wish you a lovely day filled with joy!
That's all for today, probably.
@LoverOfTheOcean
Yay for creating a personal space to share your thoughts and feelings. Sending love your way! ❤
You know those days where you feel okayish when you get up, and you get to doing things and all. Than out of nowhere your mood just, shifts?
Like today I had made some plans for myself, like cleaning some stuff, grocery shopping, journalling and whatever. Right before I was having lunch my mood shifted from okay to meh with this numb but heavy feeling. I don't know where it came from or what triggered it. Maybe I was up in my head too much, I tend to think a lot. Like a lot a lot. So I kinda forced myself to have lunch outside in the sun and journal some more. But the feeling is still sort of there. I'm not really feeling satisfied like I usually do after journalling. It's just meh with tiredness now. I don't know how else to explain it. It's annoying though, because I'm not done doing things. I want to do more things. Or maybe I'll take a small break or nap and do some more tonight. Because my body does feel exhausted. Yeah, I'm gonna take a break for a bit.
If anyone is reading this, I hope you're having a good day. And if that's too much, than have a day.
I don't even know how to deal with this anymore. We broke up last November, we'd still be friends though we we're still physical. My hopes were up high still, even though you told me not to. Than like a month ago you were all like, we should stop being physical. But still friends. And now you already have a new girlfriend even though you told me in the past months over again you weren't ready for a relationship. I guess it was me you weren't ready for. Now I'm left in tears again, in pain. It's like we broke up 3x since November. Or so it feels like to me.
Why is this so hard? Why is loving someone so hard? Why does it hurt so bad? Why does it hurt even more now he's found someone else? Anyone reading this please, tell me how I can ease the pain. All I can do is non stop crying now and it's exhausting. I don't want to cry about this anymore. I want to move forward.
It's been really hard to put on a smile lately. I have no motivation. Can't really get much fun out of work like I used to. Can't seem to focus much on stuff anymore. All I do is cry and think about everything I did wrong. And wish I was better and didn't make mistakes. And if there's a moment where I can put on a smile, it's like I'm not even there. I've been feeling slightly nauseous the entire day, and well, most of the past days as well. Since monday. I feel sick. Heartbroken. And I don't know how to fix it. And everyone tells me it will get better and if they can help me with anything than I should tell them. But the thing is, I don't know what I need at the moment. I just don't know anymore. All I want is for this feeling to pass. I don't want to feel hurt anymore. I'm so tired.
Just went for a walk with my mom, to sort of clear my mind. It's gotten less, the crying stopped. But I still feel like someone's squeezing my throat shut. Still so tired. Grateful for the last sunrays before the sun sets though, was nice and warm.
Ugh today was not my day either. Went to work, saw my grandmother cause she needed some stuff. When she asked how I was, I broke down. Luckily my boss is very nice and let me go home. I feel exhausted, heavy, empty. It's like I'm in a cloud of sadness the entire time.
I hate knowing that he's with her. I hate knowing that he doesn't want me anymore. I hate that I wasn't able to actually tell him how I feel. About all of this and about everything that has happened. The pain he's caused, the sadness. And yet I still daydream about us ever getting back together. Even if part if me doesn't want to. I hate having so much hope. I hate it.
Woke up around 3:30 this morning, did fall asleep again like 2 hours later. So wouldn't say I've had a good night's sleep, but I actually feel alright now.
I've got a high tea later this day and am excited to go. Also excited to wear my new shoes today. 😊
I shouldn't have looked her up. I shouldn't have, now I feel bad and made false conclusions. I feel stupid. For not thinking before talking. For having to know what she looks like. If she's better looking than me. Just so I could hurt myself. I feek so stupid.
Today was exhausting. Talked to my ex to tell him how I felt about what happened and the things I never told him in the first place. Long story short I told him that I needed to focus on myself for awhile and can't be friends atm. And that whenever I'm ready, I'll contact him. I cried a lot but I think it is a good dicision. Than had therapy, talked about that as well. Cried a lot more. My therapist also told me to write whatever I'm feeling, like putting everything into words and than label it as the emotion. Since I don't always recognize what I'm actually feeling. Like I found out that the way my ex treated me over the past months made me feel both sad and angry. I might not write it all out on here, but in my journal probably. But my therapist did make me realise that I don't have to carry all the guilt that I've put on my shoulders for thinking our breakup was my fault. Because it wasn't all my fault.
And than at volleyball practice I felt very tired emotionally, nothing really went the way I wanted it to go. Was frustrating. I guess that's anger. Also was sort of afraid that anyone would start a conversation about how I'm feeling and about therapy, since I don't remember sharing going to therapy with them before. Fear.
And than coming home I read the news that Sum41 are breaking up and that made me feel well sad, really. Few years ago I was supposed to see them at this three day festival (though I had a day ticket, for the day they were supposedly gonna play). And than a few weeks before, I believe, they changed days. Which made me feel sad as well.
You ever had a dream that was so good, that when you wake up you're disappointed it wasn't real? It sucks. I hugged one of my favorite band's leadsinger only to wake up realizing it didn't happen. It was a good dream though.
Is disappointment part of sadness? I think so.
