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Just one entry

mikenaiwc April 21st, 2021

I dont really know where to write, what to write.

I used to.

Don't feel like i should be writing at my original thread, blog, phone, mind, whatever.

But I will still keep a copy in my phone.

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I feel totally trapped. Not wanting to wake up.

Everything's so hard.

Balancing everything.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I know, life is a journey.

Everything, Everyday, whatever is a experience. A brand new one it is.

But I can't accept it.

I can't face it.

I am exhausted.

Trying to figure out, trying to fix, trying to ask, trying to seek.

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I already lost so many things.

I don't really mind losing them. Since I have lost so many.

I even lost myself, I never want to exist anymore.

But its such a struggle to not want to exist.

Because the mind kept playing internal pros and cons warfare game.

This is just pure torment.

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I hurt so many people.

It is tough to see them in pain.

I kept so long within myself not letting go, being afraid of hurting others.

But never I knew that actually, how much it meant to others.

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What about myself.

Should I really help myself, or should I continue to hurt/damage myself further.

It is already in a battered state.

Might as well right?

I know, never stop trying, but its just difficult.

It is already so tiring to keep up.

I duno.

Honest. I don't.

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Forget it, I'm tired.

3
barncat April 26th, 2021

@mikenai22 - Handing you a soft pillow to rest your head, and a warm blanket to cover your tired body.

1 reply
mikenaiwc OP April 26th, 2021

@barncat

Thank you for the warm soothing comfort barncat. Needed it quite much.

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mikenaiwc OP May 18th, 2021

Sorry. Been floating around, unable to think things clearly.

I don't really know what is going on anymore.

Everyday now seems to the same.

Continously self-hurting till no meaning anymore.

I wonder how will I be able to break through.

No matter how hard I try, it is just so difficult.

Nevermind, my mind is totally blank now.

Perhaps I'm just exhausted, too exhausted from this life.

Maybe its over. (Note : I'm not asking for consolation, just blurting out the noise in my head.)