Just adding a page to the book, here.
5/1/20
I think I am at a stage in my life where I want CONNECTIONS. I am 30 years old and I want to connect with people and feel like I belong.
Don't get me wrong. I have people that I talk to everyday, and I am a social person. But I would prefer now to connect with people on a deeper level rather than a surface level.
On the flip side of being social, I am introverted and it is very hard for me to let people in due to my past and being hurt by people. At this point I am ready to ignore that side and let people in who share the same interests and can have wonderful conversations.
I don't need anyone trying to f*** me, or trying to get to know me under false pretenses or to feed their own needs. I just want to know there are people out there who are maybe experiencing the same thing I am or have ever been through this before.
7/16/20
I need to ventilate.
If I say "I let things go, but there is one thing I can't let go." It is because I am confident in my emotions and confident what I'm doing.
I am listening to my insides and I'm doing what's good for me. I don't need advice from someone who hasn't BEGUN to let the things that recently happen to them go (or admit that they played a part in what happened to them).
I don't want to say these things to be nasty, but sometimes people underestimate what you're saying because it doesn't make sense TO THEM. And it doesn't HAVE to make sense to TO THEM. It makes sense to me and it's apart of my healing process.
I know what I'm doing. And I think I will let it go when I am 100% free from my abuser. (To date there has been no incidents, I am safe and not in danger.)
I think it speaks to that whole thing too of "sometimes people speak just to hear themselves". It also I believe because this person has overwhelming hurt that they have not begun to unpack and release.
Currently dealing with the last 7 months of my life: I'm okay.
Part II:
To sum it up, don't chop down my process to preach. I can tell you whatever in this conversation because it is HOW I FEEL. IT IS MY PROCESS. NOT YOURS.
I broke DOWN. I broke down. I broke down like a car on the side of a road.
I cried. I yelled and I carried on and I raised my voice as loud as I could to have God hear me and head my prayers and my cries for help.
I am not one to get over emotional over the sight of a spatula and a frying pan (I mean who does unless they really enjoy cooking) but today, that very same frying pan was a catalyst to me pouring my pain out on my bedroom floor.
I asked God to please take this person away from me. Take me away from this person. I don't care what is happening, just give me relief. Free me from all my pain.
I'm in more pain than I actually thought. Not even physical. My soul is hurting. And that is so deep.
